James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

(Cut to A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony, James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to a black screen that says in white text “Four Months Ago” before cutting to James, Paulo, Brenda, Nick & Rebecca in the Office Kitchen enjoying a bite to eat.)

TLOTA: You guys check out that Power Rangers Movie Trailer?

Paulo Fonseca: Yeah, it didn’t feel like the show we watched when we were younger.

Rebecca Yaun: And what about those suits?

Nick Yaun: Looked like Marks of Iron Man that even Tony Stark would’ve rejected.

Brenda Fonseca: Well, from what I heard they got some good casting choices. I mean Bryan “Heisenberg” Cranston as Zordon, Elizabeth Banks as Rita Repulsa and from what I’ve heard Bill Hader is Alpha 5. Plus, they are going to use Bryan Tyler for the music and they got Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz to write and the Director from Project Almanac to direct this one.

TLOTA: Well, I would like to try to see it. I mean I’m not so stuck in the past that I’m not willing to see a part of my childhood in a new light. I saw the 2016 Ghostbusters and I liked it fine and it didn’t take away my childhood love of the Movies and the cartoons I saw then and besides it’s not like Power Rangers isn’t due for an update. Who knows, it might be better than we give it credit for.

Paulo Fonseca: You sure have a lot of faith in this movie.

TLOTA: I’ve got to, it’s not like the Power Rangers attempts for the big screen can get worse than “Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie”. Not saying it was a bad movie but as a pilot for Power Rangers Turbo it could’ve been worse. So, here’s hoping that the new Power Rangers movie puts the Rangers right where they belong, on the top echelon of Superheroes alongside the DC & Marvel Universe.

Rebecca Yaun: We hear ya! (Everyone in the office kitchen raises their drinks to cheer each other before fading to black and in white text are the words “Present Day” as it cuts to James as he enters to the main hall way where he’s intercepted by Olivia Horvath, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller with John and Mike Santos as they hold James at gunpoint before cutting to James looking as if he’s going to soil himself.)

TLOTA: Didn’t Rebecca pay you before she went to Texas with her husband, her brother, her sister in law, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion to give ORAC to help the Ninja Cats find Rowdy? (Cut to Olivia Horvath, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, John and Mike Santos)

Eric Kurtzke: We heard you went to see the Power Rangers movie. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I just came back from watching it! (Cut to Olivia Horvath, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, John and Mike Santos)

Olivia Horvath: You do realize that there are people who hate this movie because it betrays everything done in the near quarter century Power Rangers have been about!

John Santos: That’s what’s pissing you off! We’re pissed that it is an insult to the loyalty of the history of Power Rangers! So much so we tweeted, facebooked, snapchatted and Instagramed you as the Anti-Christ you are! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I think with everything going cuckoo for cocoa puffs I HIGHLY DOUBT ANYONE IS GONNA GO ON THE ATTACK ABOUT THE POWER RANGERS! (Cut to a building exterior with the words “Department of Social Justice” before cutting to an office where three social justice Champions played by Ed Champion, Rebecca Yaun & Andrew Beach are doing their daily trolling.)

Dax (Played by Andrew Beach): So, Kat, Troy anything new that we should be aware of?

Troy (Played by Ed Champion): More rioting, protests and extremist actions by the Anti-Trump movement including attacks on NYSEG!

Dax: Pass!

Kat (Played by Rebecca Yaun): More Political scandals!

Dax: Double Pass!

Troy: Someone thinking of reviewing the new Power Rangers movie… (The eyes of the three bug out of their head.)

Troy, Kat & Dax (In Unison): Someone thinking of reviewing the new Power Rangers movie! AVANTI!

(Cut to the outside of a church and the words “Holy Land Of Wasted Lives” as Gregorian chants are heard before cutting to a priest played by Nick Yaun chanting in Latin and tossing in names of actors, seasons and characters of Power Rangers tossed into the mix, and as The priest says “Heil Zordon” a nun played by Brenda Fonseca runs into frame.)

Sister Kimberly (Played by Brenda Fonseca): Forgive me Father Bulkmeier, but a friend of yours is here with disturbing news. Rabbi Skullovitch, if you’d please! (Rabbi Skullovitch played by Paulo Fonseca comes in with a smart phone in one hand.)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Thank you Sister Kimberly, Father Bulkmeier, if you would read the message on my phone and maybe we can deal with the Schmendrick, put him back in his place maybe? (Father Bulkmeier looks at what’s on the Smart Phone)

Father Bulkmeier: OY GEVALT! If the congregation will excuse us, we have matters to attend to! (Gregorian chant is sped up as the three pray in their own way and shuffle off stage right before cutting back to James’ office.)

TLOTA: Now if you guys will excuse…ME! I’ve got a review to do!

Dax(Off-Screen): I THINK NOT! (Cut to Dax, Troy & Kat blocking the backdoor before cutting to James as Olivia Horvath, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, John and Mike Santos are in the background.)

TLOTA: Let me guess, Social Justice Champions? (The Social Justice Champions come face to face with James.)

Kat, Troy & Dax (In Unison): JAWOHL! CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN NAZI SCUM!

Dax: And we are here to shut you down!

Kat: We will NOT let you review the new Power Rangers movie!

Troy: All because you will hate it, you’re an internet reviewer. It is your job to dislike everything.

TLOTA: I didn’t dislike the 2016 Ghostbusters movie. Besides I’m open to new interpretations of Power Rangers, why do you think I’m watching Ninja Steel and why do you think I watched the new movie?

Father Bulkmeier (Off-Screen): BLASHPHEMER!

Sister Kimberly (Off-Screen): HERETIC!

Rabbi Skullovitch (Off-Screen): GOYIM MENSCH MESHUGGENAH SCHMUCK HITLER BASTARD! (Cut to Father Bulkmeier, Sister Kimberly & Rabbi Skullovitch coming to James and everyone else.)

TLOTA: OH GOODIE! Father Bulkmeier and Sister Kimberly from St. Zordon’s Basilica and Rabbi Skullovitch of the Temple Beth-Eltar! (Olivia and Eric jump to the religious sect)

Olivia Horvath: And they shall help you see the light. (Cut to James)

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): For they shall set you straight for those who go against the word of the “Power Rangers” with the power of Shame!

TLOTA: Good freakin’ Grief! (Cut to The Religious Sect)

Olivia & Eric (In Unison): SHAME!

Father Bulkmeier, Rabbi Skullovitch, Sister Kimberly, Olivia & Eric (In Unison): SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! (Cut to James caught between the two sides as they look to collide)

TLOTA: EVERYONE HERE HAS GONE FRIGGIN’ NUTS! (James pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver) DELTA LEVEL DEFENSE! (A pulse of electricity hits everyone as James runs for his office.)

TLOTA: Initiate Alpha lockdown, Level Five! Authorization: Madison, Mallory, Vivian Lee! (Cut to John trying to get the door open with his Sonic Screwdriver but to no effect)

Troy: So, it appears he has locked himself in!

Father Bulkmeier: GOOD! Then let us partake in the real war!

Kat: Oh Yes, The REAL war!

Olivia Horvath: Let the two online extremes collide in the ultimate battle!

John Santos: YES! The ULLLLLLLLLTIMATE BATTLE! (Cut to everyone on their tablets/smartphones texting and typing away!)

Sister Kimberly: I’ve sent you a nasty tweet!

Mike Santos: Here comes one nasty pic of your ugly backside in an Instagram!

Eric Kurtzke: Well, I’ll see your Instagram and raise you a Snapchat!

Dax: Here comes a Meme that’s a whopper!

Rabbi Skullovitch: Well here comes a tumblr & reddit that’ll send you back into your place! (Cut to James as he gets into frame in his office with his desk and laptop computer on one side and on the other side “The Letter”)

TLOTA: Well it seems I’ve come upon yet ANOTHER movie where everyone is so divided!

Caught between two differing factors, Can James finish his review of the 2017 Power Rangers Movie? Find out here

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted “Doctor Who” series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words “Reality Checkout” while the theme from “Welcome Freshmen” plays in the background before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: Believe it or not, I was once a wrestling fan but then came bad choices left and right like when WWE bought out WCW, then came the first attempt at the brand split between Raw & Smackdown! The straw that broke my back as a WWE fan was giving John Laurinitis control of both shows and after that came me being a fan of TNA or as they’re calling themselves now Impact Wrestling. The less said about that company and Dixie Carter’s ability to run the company the better because they forced me into being a retired Pro Wrestling Fan. I’ll watch if there’s nothing else except for Lucha Underground or WCPW they seem to be giving me effort in their promotions though I will check out the occasional WWE Royal Rumble and or WrestleMania but the only reason I don’t watch is for one red headed reason! (Cut to an image of Becky Lynch and James shouts “NO! Rowdy likes her and I’m okay with her!” before cutting to James physically) I’m talking about a red headed headache that (Audio of Eva Marie’s intro plays as James rubs his head to try to alleviate his headache.) GOD TAKE ME NOW!

Will “Everything All Red” drive James “All Mad”? Find out here

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James moving his table to the backroom & lighting fixtures and Camera elsewhere)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): James? (Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca: Why are you moving out of your work office? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: My Work Office?! MY WORK OFFICE?! (James laughs psychotically) THAT PLACE IS NO LONGER MY WORK OFFICE! THAT IS MY MAIL ROOM! I’VE GOT TO MOVIE EVERYTHING THAT’S ESSENTIAL FROM WHERE I USED TO WORK INTO MY PERSONAL OFFICE TO MAKE IT BOTH MY PERSONAL AND WORK OFFICE!

(Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun: You’re just being silly. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I wish I were, just come to the door to my mail room. (James opens the door before cutting to everyone else as a gigantic shadow engulfs the others as a flood of letters come crashing out of there before cutting to Olivia, Eliza and Traci as packages smack them around, Eric, John & Mike Santos are buried alive in a tsunami of letters, Renee Miller, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun try to shield one another as an avalanche of mail surround them as 04:12-05:08 of the William Tell Overture plays in the foreground. Before cutting to everyone’s heads popping out of the mound of mail)

Nick & Rebecca Yaun, John and Mike Santos (In unison): Let’s go again! Let’s go again!

Paulo Fonseca: Can I take a guess and say most of these are bills?

Traci Hines: Most of what I’m hearing is ticking! That’s not a good thing, is it?

Eliza Dushku: I’m sitting on something and I heard a click, something tells me that if I get up, we ALL GO BOOM!

Olivia Horvath: Well I’m hearing beeps so stay as far away from me as possible.

Eric Kurtzke: Tweets from Donald Trump saying you’re not funny and drop dead, Oh look, Fan mail. “Dear James” Ugh!

TLOTA: Let me guess, A steaming pile of Poop?

Eric Kurtzke: Bingo!

Renee Miller: Third notice on the electric bill! Fifth notice on the heating! Mafioso men who cannot be convicted are coming to kill you if you don’t pay for the water?! James where’s our mail?

TLOTA: Well fortunately I’ve set up another room for your mail. (A burst of air send everyone flying in different directions as Felix Twitch played by Nicholas Markin stands up in the middle of the maelstrom as “Getting Jiggy With It” audio sound-alike is heard before cutting to the others as they get their bearings)

TLOTA: WHO IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE ARE YOU?

Who is the guy who is trying to help James in the love department? Find out here

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well by the time this is posted it’ll be sometime before Valentine’s Day and it’ll be AFTER that by the time the preview is going to be on Rowdyc.com. But this is for single people like me to get through the nightmare of February 14th. These are the movies and specials that I watch to get me through possibly the worst day to be single. Now before I get even MORE hate e-mail than I did with my Fifty Shades Of Grey Editorial, I want to state that YES there are Romantic movies in this but that maybe just be I’m a few shy a full load and I AM GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THE SPOILERS TO THE LEAST AMOUNT I CAN MUSTER. With that said, let’s start with something romantic but ends on a semi-realistic note. As much as a semi-realistic note can be when you decide to get into a relationship with The Dark Knight!

Which movies help guys like me get through the worst day in Human Holiday History? Find Out Here.

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to team TLOTA standing in the main lobby of the office and everyone walking in unity to the driveway)

TLOTA (Singing): You know I thought we had

Everyone (Singing): BAD LUCK!

TLOTA (Singing): To Be watching

Everyone (Singing): TOTAL SCHLOCK!

TLOTA (Singing): Then I saw her and I knew

Everyone (Singing): WE’RE STUCK! CAUSE NOW ALL IT IS, IS BAD SCHLOCK! (James shouts “HEY!”)

Everyone (Singing): NOW THERE’S HELL TO PAY! SO YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THE WAY! THIS MOVIE IS A CROCK!

TLOTA (Singing): Hey look up there it’s…

Everyone (Singing): THE ROCK! WHAT?! (Cut to the sky as it closes in on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as he is hanging on as a helicopter before it comes into range of James’ office driveway and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson takes a flying leap and lands in the driveway right in front of James and team TLOTA.)

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (rapping): HOLD IT! HOLD UP! LET ME SAY IT NOW JABRONIS! THIS IS! THIS IS SOMETHING AWESOME IT’S NOT A BAD MOVIE! (Cut to “Valentine’s Day” as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson continues to rap)

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (rapping voiceover): TAY-TAY! MY GAL! TAY-TAY IS AWESOME IN THIS FARACI! SAY THE WRONG THING AND I’LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEDNESDAY! (Cut to Team TLOTA as they go Ooh!)

Eliza Dushku (Singing): This one is so bad!

TLOTA (Singing): It makes me mad! Taylor’s got to learn that everybody must BUUUUUUURN!

Everyone (Singing): Cause now we’re stuck with BAD SCHLOCK!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): You don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout.

Everyone (Singing): We can’t stand it! It’s a Crock!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): It’s Taylor Swift! Give her a break!

Everyone (Singing): Well when we saw her we knew we were stuck!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): Gary Marshall gave her a break!

Everyone (Singing): OH, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ROCK! (James shouts “HEY” loud enough to toss Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson off screen and he says “Ow!” before cutting to the Title Card of the Movie “Valentine’s Day” then cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yep folks for those of you who think the Bottom of The Barrel is too lofty a perch for you then obviously, this movie is for you. There’s so much saccharine sugar coated schmaltz it’d give the healthiest person a diabetic coma! The acting is so ungodly awful there are no words to describe how ungodly awful it is and everything is just an ass-fest! And what happens in an ass-fest? You get the same thing, CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But let’s not wait any longer as I take on the movie that made me realize the divide between me and Hollywood and people who criticize movies professionally is about as big it could get between here in Sullivan County New York to the other side of the sun ten times! This is the worst movie humanity has brought upon itself “Valentine’s Day”. Pray for your salvation humanity!

Look out, the rage will flow like water when it comes to the worst Romantic Comedy ever made! Check out what happens here

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. We’re all aware of the Fifty Shades Of Grey books and the first movie that happened two years ago and the next movie coming out in a few weeks and next year the finale of this movie series that are a step below Z-Grade Soft Core Adult Movies. (Cut to clips of the first movie based on these books and clips from the “Fifty Shades Darker” trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And yes, I WHOLLY AGREE with The Nostalgia Kid and every Internet reviewer who despise these as the Soft Core Schlock. But as I checked out the books and the clips from the first movie, I noticed certain themes, motifs and even certain truths that are prevalent in our society. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So before I see even ONE angry mob listen to why I ask this question Is “The Fifty Shades Of Grey” series secretly smarter than we give it credit for?

Hear me out before I see one angry mob! Please!

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James sitting in his office looking at the audience with an look of “Why Me?” on his face.)

TLOTA: Excuse me for a moment. (James walks to the main lobby)

TLOTA: Hey Guys, I’ve got to ask something. Is there a sign over my head saying “I’ve done something wrong and I deserve this punishment!” or “I’m a sadist’s submissive please torture me!” or anything that says I enjoy being tortured?

(Cut to everyone either saying No or nodding as to say no before cutting to James looking at the audience)

TLOTA: SO WHY THE HELL AM I DEALING WITH THIS CRAP FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS?! (Cut to Clips of Romantic Comedies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): OH…MY…GOD! I am going to be dealing with a genre of movies that I already said should die or at least needs someone to give the genre a huge dose of intelligence and when I mean a huge dose of intelligence I mean enough intelligence to rival Carl Sagan, Steven Hawkins & Albert Einstein combined. I am of course talking about the Romantic Comedy Genre. A Genre that might be the bane of the existence of everyone with an I.Q. larger than the height of the Himalayas and Kilimanjaro, Matterhorn, Mont Blanc and the Rest of the ALPS! (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: But maybe if I start off with something not as bad then maybe the next two months after this one maybe just maaaaaay be tolerable. With that said, let’s start this madness parade with something I can tolerate, barely.

How much pain will I be in? Find out here

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well, the best description of 2016 is Bipolar and that’s being nice! But this time around before we get to the Top 10 believe it not we’ve got some honorable mentions before we get started. So let’s get to them! (Cut to clips of review and other moments that happened as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

The Rowdy and Friends Fantasy League Sketch) Meant to parody one of the biggest online league player trading scandals I was proud to be a part of this sketch just for the fact I could get to be onscreen and me getting to be onscreen even for a moment.

Tipsy Gentlemen: Passion Of The Christ 2, Bibleman Animated Series and Nostalgia Christian/Say Goodnight Kevin) Being honest as I could I wanted to share my thoughts on certain things and express myself onto a different forum and do so intelligently and I want thank Chris T. Ian for allowing me to be intelligent about my beliefs.

The Kick-Ass Review) Honestly this was meant to be done in November of 2015 but the timing I had at the time was bad as was the fact I hadn’t done another “Different Cuts” in a while meant something had to be postponed this review had to be it but it did lead to a lot of great silly moments and started the “Mystery Of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans” storyline.

The Top 10 Good Things to come from Michael Bay’s Transformers) Going in I knew these movies were not going to be Shakespeare and finding those ten moments were a freaking chore for me. But I got the Job done and it helped lead into something that made the top 10 list.

The Top 13 Buffy & Angel Episodes) To be honest not my best list but there were some great moments like when I did a “Bar Rescue” Sketch and was a great lead into..

The Tribute To The Magic Of David Copperfield) Something I felt I had to do for one of the first things I religiously tuned into as a kid and remembered and remains with me to remind me of how much of a kid at heart I still am!

The Disney Descendants April Fools Review) Having seen my friend’s review on the DCOM. Doing this review straight would’ve driven me to drink! But I think having Nick play a Raoul Duke Esque character in order to do and say the things I didn’t want to or could say without coming off like a knock off of The Rowdy Reviewer’s version of the review.

The Five Things I disliked and liked about “Superman V Batman Dawn Of Justice”) I had to break character to be honest with myself and with everyone I know who had seen this movie and I needed to say it the way I needed to talk about it!

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And seeing as how I broke character to talk about “Superman V Batman Dawn Of Justice” (James pulls out the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and unlocks the latch to the door that holds James’ card and powers down and becomes James Faraci)

James Faraci: I got the five moments everyone else liked and I’ve got my five. It’s time for the Top 10 Moments of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in 2016!

Which moments were the best in 2016 for The Last Of The Americans? Find out here

TLOTA: GUYS! STAY RIGHT THERE! (James stands a foot away and says the “Apache Chief Growing cry” as he grows to be the size of a 300 story Skyscraper as the Others look up and shout “WHAT THE….?” before multiples continual zooms to James face)
TLOTA: CHRISSSSSSSSSSSSSSTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! (Cut to Angry Joe in his satellite as James’ echo violently wakes him up and he says Ow! before cutting to James Shrinking back to normal as everyone save for Olivia is shocked)
Olivia Horvath: Do you usually do something this extreme to say how much your excitement Christmas?!
TLOTA: Well, let’s say after last year’s Nostalgia Critic’s first Christmas review intro nearly wiped everyone off the face of the earth though Chicago. I scaled back!
Olivia Horvath: And you guys are not surprised when he does something like this?!

Renee Miller: Last year when he did the intro he was yo-yoing in the center of a green and red hypnowheel!

Olivia Horvath: Well with as loud as you got I’m certain by the end of 2017 we’re going to be making first contact!

TLOTA: Well, I can’t help it! (Cut to well known Christmas Specials as an electric guitar covers “The 12 Days Of Christmas” and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It’s incredible to describe, it’s the one time everyone reverts to being a kid and we get to watch our favorite animated and live action Specials. But yet for every “Frosty The Snowman” there’s a “Cricket On The Hearth”. For every “Charlie Brown Christmas Special” there’s a “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and that is kind of sad to know that people don’t know about at least HALF of the countless Christmas Specials that don’t get shown as much as they should. (Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA: Well guess what Santa James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is gonna give 12 specials the recognition they deserve! Why 12? (James grabs a Santa hat off screen and puts it on his head) HO! HO! HO! These are the Top 12 Little known Christmas Specials!

Which are some of the best of the lesser known Christmas specials? Find out here

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to clips of the Charlie Brown Specials as “Linus & Lucy” play in the foreground and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh How many of us wished Charlie Brown kicked that elusive football that Lucy pulled away every single time. How many of us wished we had a beagle like Snoopy. How many of us had those feelings we could relate to Chuck or Linus. And yes, my associate The Rowdy Reviewer has done reviews on the Specials and made mention to movies based on the Peanuts Comic Strip. That’s right, there are movies based on the beloved characters created by Charles M. Schulz and every one of them are amazingly incredible. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And guess what I’m reviewing all of them. The qualifications is that they HAD to have been theatrically released and it HAD to be made specifically for a theatrical run AND I WILL TRY to keep the Spoilers down to the most bare minimum!

Hear my thoughts on all of the movies done with Charlie Brown here

TLOTA: ORAC! Give me an analysis from the readings. (ORAC hums for a few seconds before cutting to everyone)

TLOTA (Off-Screen): Well ORAC let me know he’s been here since Mid-July and he’ll be awake soon so… (James walks in.)

TLOTA: What’s going on?

Paulo Fonseca: We were just wondering who he is or was?

TLOTA: That’s Spoony and he’ll be awake soon!

Eliza Dushku: That’s Spoony?

TLOTA: That’s Spoony.

Eliza Dushku: And what did he say to Jacob Chapman who was formally known as Hope Chapman also formally known as JesuOtaku? (James whispers what Spoony said to JesuOtaku) Well, I know how I can help revive him! (Eliza pulls out a switchblade knife as everyone else goes “Whoa!” and tries to stop her as Spoony wakes up and sees the knife.)

Spoony: So, what’s happening? We having cake? (Cut to Everyone else)

Eliza Dushku: Damn it, he’s an idiot to boot. (Eliza picks up Spoony) Now you listen and listen good. Say one thing out of line and I will gut you, you trout mouthed prick and play twister with your vitals! (Pulls out the switchblade knife again) Got it? (Spoony nods yes in fear of her as she walks away from Spoony and everyone else save for James walks with her leaving James and Spoony in the same room.)

Spoony: So, I take it you had to tell her? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Yep! So, do you realize how long you’ve been in there? (Cut to Spoony)

Spoony: A couple of hours? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: It’s mid-November. (Cut to Spoony)

Spoony: AW DAMN IT! and I had “Highlander II” to riff on for the party (Two copies of Highlander II drop out of Spoony’s right hand as James picks them up.)

TLOTA: Well this is gonna be as mentally disturbing as seeing “Turning Japanese” as performed by Kirsten Dunst.

Spoony (Audio only): What watching “Highlander II”? I could’ve told you that!

TLOTA: No! I’m talking about watching The Different Cuts of “Highlander II”

Which cut of “Highlander II” will be the one? Find out here

(Open with The Logo of “The Last Of The Last Of The Americans” on the slab of Titanium before cutting to corresponding clips as James does an intro voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Last Time on “James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”! Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Boreanaz, The Boogeyman, The Top 13 Best episodes of Buffy and Angel, And legendary magician David Copperfield…. You can put two and two together from there.

Will The Magic Of David Copperfield give me a new life? Find out here