@jbfny428
Reality Checkout: The Kardashians
October 24, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to a rebooted idea I had toyed around in my first run. Now when I say it’s “a rebooted idea I toyed around in my first run” I mean I talked about the subject of Reality Television stars and how much I hate them as much as my associate has his disdain for the Genre altogether in which I agree as to why he does hate it. But this rebooted idea I now have a structure and a title for it so welcome to a segment I now officially call “Reality Checkout” (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted “Doctor Who” series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words “Reality Checkout” while the theme from “Welcome Freshmen” plays in the background before cutting back to James.)
TLOTA: In my first run I had talked about some pretty bad customers in this realm like The Gosselins and the Teutuls of Orange County Choppers and I’ll revisit them in a later time but right now if I’m going to reboot the idea for knocking reality television stars back down to earth, I figured I’d talk about some of the biggest ones in the bottom of the pile of human excrement that is Reality Television: The Kardashians.
How can I knock down the supposedly highest family in Reality Royalty? Find out here
A second anniversary that’s less than “Full Throttle”
October 23, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and IT’S MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! (Everyone pops out with party favors and confetti as “Ode To Joy” plays) And you know what? Someone guessed that I’d be reviewing something I’d never thought of reviewing at all because of one moment at the end of my first episode of “The Different Cuts” (Show clip of James saying “I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this year we’re going FULL THROTTLE!” before cutting to see everyone have calmed down.) That’s right, someone thought I was going to review this! (Cut to title card of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the remix of Charlie’s Angels by Apollo 440 plays in the background and James does a voiceover over the clips of the movie)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of surprising but understandable. “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” isn’t a good movie nor is it inferior to the first movie which in fact is a continuation of the series that ran from the 1970’s through the 1980’s and by today’s standards it is schlocky but for me the series is a fun schlock and is still seen as better than at least half of what’s on TV nowadays but this movie wasn’t in my sights but someone kept sending me e-mails saying that they thought this was going to be my second anniversary review.
How did one statement cause a chain reaction to have me review this movie? Find out here
The top 10 funniest fights in Entertainment
October 22, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Great entertainment definitely needs the following. Great performances, Great writing, direction, scenery and everything else but sometimes ya gotta slug it out! (Cut to clips of the TGWTG.com Anniversary Brawl while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And sometimes those slugfest slobber knockers can get silly and for this list I’m counting down which of these left me gasping for air in laughter in a pool of my own urine and I’m including fights from TV, Movies, Internet Videos they’re all there! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So get ready to rumble until you laugh your backside off, these are the top 10 funniest fights in Entertainment.
LLLLETT’S GET READY TO RUMMMMMBLLLLLLE AND LOOOOOOOOOL right here!
Rowdy, The Last Of The Americans and a bunch of “Fox Kids” Co-Written by Chris Lee Moore “The Rowdy Reviewer
October 21, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John & Mike Santos and The Rowdy Reviewer on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the front door of the office)
TLOTA (Audio as he zooms past the Camera): HO BOY! HO BOY! HO JOY! (Cut to James tossing his backpack off his shoulder and over the couch)
TLOTA (excited beyond reproach and looking like he did in the 1990’s): YES! YES! YES! DON’T LET IT START YET! DON’T LET IT START YET! DON’T LET IT START YET!
Rebecca (Audio): James, Just so you are aware you are Uno Loco Bastarda! (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke standing at the front door looking like they did in the 1990’s)
Rebecca: We look freaking ridiculous!
Eric: I never wore clothes like this, it is totally illogical for me to dress like this!
Renee: Yeah James, I will do certain things for you but looking this freaking ridiculous is where I draw the line!
John Santos: I don’t know, I kind of like this!
Mike Santos: You would!
Paulo: Besides even I think this stuff is stupid. (Cut to James on the couch sliding over to his right)
TLOTA: You guys don’t understand it is all part of the experience. We all act like we got home, Put our belongings down, grab a bite to eat and get ready to relax in front of the TV.
(Rowdy, wearing a t-shirt that says “Ballpark in Arlington’s First Opening Day: April 11, 1994,” pops in on to the couch from out of nowhere via Jeannie blink)
Rowdy: OK, I’m here. What’s this about “Nostalgia Block Party – Bring your 90s cred?”
In Defense of “Muppets From Space”
October 20, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of “In Defense Of…” (Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words “In Defense Of…” appear to the left of James then cutting to clips of The Muppets in various projects from “The Muppet Show” to “The Great Muppet Caper” to “Muppets Most Wanted”)
TLOTA (Voice over): Recently, there have been rumors that The Muppets were coming back to the small screen with a re-boot of “The Muppet Show” under Bill Prady who had worked in the past with The Muppets on a few projects but he has a big set of shoes to fill. Whose shoes you may ask, well Jim Henson’s of course but after Jim Henson’s passing things weren’t easy but there were decent projects including “Muppet Christmas Carol” & a kind of a Reboot of “The Muppet Show” called “Muppets Tonight” which while it didn’t last long was pretty good. (Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA: But there was one project that didn’t seem to make an impact and did more to knock The Muppets out of prominence and nearly sent them to obscurity. I am of course talking about “Muppets From Space” (Cut to clips of “Muppets From Space” while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): And to be honest, it is not as bad as everyone says it was. So this time I will defend probably what many Muppets fans like myself consider a REAL low point.
The “Willow” in the winds
October 19, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo on his right and Rebecca on his left doing the same pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Let’s talk about George Lucas. (Cut to pictures of George Lucas and the movies he made while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voice over): Yes he has made probably enough money to buy ALL OF ASIA and retire there from both The “Indiana Jones” & “Star Wars” franchises but believe it or not he has produced other movies outside of “Star Wars” & “Indiana Jones” like the recent “Red Tails”, the Jim Henson directed classic “Labyrinth”, “American Graffiti” “The Land Before Time” and of course (Show poster of “Howard The Duck”) Let’s pretend this movie never happened. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: But the movie I want to talk about is one of my all time, without a shadow of a doubt, Grade A, Sword and Sorcery adventure. I am talking about, Of Course, “Willow”
Does the force flow through this sword and sorcery classic? Find out here
How to survive in a Horror Movie
October 18, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and quarantined and Halloween is still happening and that’s the most unbelievable part of 2020! (Cut to different horror movies as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I get why Halloween is still going on, that even though the world is no longer the way it once was we should have enjoy the scary slasher, spooky monster, bizarre type of movie that we need to see these type of stereotypes of people going through these types of fake horrors and I like them as escapist entertainment during these hard times. But the stereotypes seem to have become a punchline especially in advertising (Show GEICO Horror Movie Stereotypes ad. Cut to James as he facepalms himself.)
TLOTA:
Yeah, this type of thing has been in there since Time immemorial with the Horror Flick as well as most horror movies but ask yourself this, If you were in the same situation, would you survive? Actually the question is If you were in a Horror movie, How would you survive?
Five of Kevin Smith’s Finest
October 17, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours. It goes without saying that I freaking adore the works of Kevin Smith. (Cut to clips of Kevin Smith while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): And for good reason. He has made movies that are considered stories that are a great slice of life, as a matter of fact five of his movies are five of my all time favorite movies and I’m going to do five rapid fire reviews on them.
Five Rapid Fire Reviews of some of Kevin Smith’s finest movies! Check them out here
The Different Cuts of Affleck the “Daredevil”
October 16, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and with the end of my three month look on Ben Affleck I’ve decided to introduce a new review segment I like to call “The Different Cuts” (Show James, Paulo & Rebecca dressed as butchers grabbing the same reel of film and a diagram of the reel of film. James Paulo & Rebecca look at both the three go to a meat slicer, all three slice different thicknesses with Paulo’s cut saying “The” James’s cut saying “Different” and Rebecca’s cut saying “Cuts” before cutting back to James) This is where I look at the same movie and see where the cuts differentiate from one another.
(Cut to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca at the doorway into James’ office.)
Paulo: Doesn’t that guy you talk about have something similar?
Rebecca: New versus Old, I think it’s called. (Cut to James inside his office.)
TLOTA: The guy you’re thinking of is The Nostalgia Critic and the segment he does is called “Old versus New” but I’m not doing that it’s literally the same movie just different cuts and I see which one is the better either cut. (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca at the doorway into James’ office.)
Paulo: Oh okay, we’ll be outside if you need us. (Cut to James inside his office)
TLOTA: Well now that I’ve gotten that explanation of what this new review segment is about, I’ve heard of dumber reasons why Ben Affleck shouldn’t be a member of either “The Avengers” or “Justice League”. (Cut to Daredevil opening credit while “Right Before Your Eyes” from Hoobastank plays in the background then cut to clips of “Daredevil” play while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voice over): Daredevil, based on the Marvel character, is technically not a bad movie nor is it a good movie. I’ll explain. When I saw it in the theaters and I enjoyed it but as I’ve seen it on TV I’ve seen more of the flaws in it. Partly having discovered that 20th Century Fox had meddled with the movie without discussing it with the writer & director Mark Steven Johnson (Cut to a photo of Mark Steven Johnson with James saying “YES the same one who worked on the Elektra movie, Ghost Rider movie and Jack Frost but regardless…” before cutting back to James doing a voice over clips of “Daredevil”)
TLOTA (Voice over): Mark Steven Johnson decided to correct what 20th Century Fox with a Director’s cut that fills in some of the plot holes but it also takes away some of what made the theatrical cut good. (Cut to James Physically)
Affleck and The Worst Movie Ever Made!
October 16, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
Hey guys James here, I wanted to let everyone know that the humor this time around isn’t for those under the age of eighteen. I get very disturbingly out there and trust me when I say that viewers discretion is highly, HIGHLY advised!
(James fades to black as Scene cuts to James in the Kitchen and trying to turn on the Keurig hot water device with a Hot Cocoa single serve packet in the device and James looking disheveled and missing the button to turn on the device missing as Paulo Fonseca walks in.)
Paulo: Hey James how are you doing today? Lea called she is concerned about you and wants to know the plans you and her have on the fourteenth? (James turns and growls like Wolverine and slams Paulo onto the fridge and James has Paulo by the throat.)
TLOTA (Sounding like he’s foaming at the mouth): DON’T MENTION THAT DAY! BESIDES I’VE SEEN THE WORST THING I’VE EVER HAD TO SEE! IT WAS SO BAD THAT I HAVE YET TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF IT AND I’M ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!
Paulo (Off-Screen): James? (James turns to see Paulo & Rebecca looking in the doorway looking at James in the Kitchen.)
Rebecca: Are you okay? (Cut to James having his hands cupped on the door of the refrigerator with his eyes shifting to the doorway and back to in front of him three times.)
TLOTA: You wouldn’t happen to have a tranquilizer that could take down thirty ton Rhino would ya?
UH-OH! Will he snap even further? Find out as he takes on one of the worst movies ever made here!
In Defense of Michael Bay’s “Armageddon”
October 15, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of “In Defense Of…” (Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words “In Defense Of…” appear to the left of James then cutting back to James)
TLOTA: Remember in my “Top thirteen vampire films better than “The Twilight Saga” list” that “The Lost Boys” is proof positive that a Blind hunting dog with a missing leg can get it’s quarry and get a mate for Joel Schumacher. Well for me personally I’ve found the movie that is the Blind hunting dog with a missing leg can get it’s quarry and get a mate for someone who must never, EVER have anything to do with filmmaking. I am of course talking about Michael Bay.
Which of Michael Bay’s movies is the only one I can stomach? Find out here
Affleck & The “Mallrats”
October 14, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen) I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets slightly angry and says quickly I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours as Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets up walks off to the right comes back holding 12 gauge semi-auto shotgun and fires three shots and an eight bit duck from “Duck Hunt” falls from the sky and the dog & duck from “Duck Hunt” comes up only for James to shoot the dog with a load of bird shot to the back of the dog’s head.) I guess I know who I’m going to be talking about for the next three months. (Cut to pics and clips of Ben Affleck while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice Over): Because what can be said that hasn’t been said about Ben Affleck. He became a Paparazzi magnet and a double Academy Award winner. He can flourish in movies and can write, direct & act in them and he’s been in so many clunkers it’s a surprise Hollywood hasn’t sent him back to Boston to flip Whoppers at Burger King. He’s beloved and hated by so many and me personally, I’ve got nothing against him but since the advent of the internet a certain motif in his method of acting and I think I’ve got it down to the following: 5% saying his lines with snark and a smile, 5% trying to be charming 20% screaming like Shia LaBeouf when he has a bad day, 30% talking with his jaw jutted down and a whopping 40% being so close to his teeth you feel he’s more likely to eat you with a side of the scenery. But despite that there is nothing like a Ben Affleck performance to make people smile. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA: And where do some people start their taste for Affleck? Why with his first movie that became a cult classic, I am a course talking about “Mallrats”
See the review of the movie that introduced me to Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck here
