@jbfny428
The “Spider”‘s first bite
September 16, 2020 in Blogs
(Title card reads on a Black background New Year’s Eve and the clock is counting to midnight from 11:59 starting with ten counting back to one then a crowd shouts “Happy New Year” and Auld Lange Syne is heard in the Background as scene fades to James stumbling into his room after ingesting ten bottles of Martinelli’s Sparkling Non Alcoholic Apple Cider and one partly full bottle in hand with Lea Michele behind him)
TLOTA (Plastered): You know something, I’m glad Ed brought you to me and you know what else I hope Christy & Brandon have a miserable married existence for the next fifty years. (Proceeds to laugh uncontrollably drunk while Lea is looking at James as if she doesn’t want to be there) Say Lea, am I still standing.
Lea Michele: Yes but barely.
TLOTA (Plastered): Okay that’s good (James falls down, bumps his head on the bed and floor as Lea quietly shouts for help. Title Card reads two weeks later as it appears James is coming back into his room)
TLOTA: Whew, that man is barely tolerable, I don’t know how James does it. (James looks at his watch double taps the crystal on it to reveal it’s the Rowdy Reviewer.)
Rowdy: So Lea, any changes? (Cut to Lea using a medical tri-corder trying to use it.)
Lea Michele: Nothing, according to this thing he’s still alive but he’s not comatose.
Rowdy: So what the frack are we to do? (Snaps fingers) Wait a second ORAC! (Rowdy grabs and activates the Sonic Screwdriver next to James’s closet door revealing ORAC)
Lea Michele: Is that ORAC? It’s about the size of a Microwave oven.
Rowdy: This is the main part, James keeps the activation remote card next to… Ah here we are. (Finds activation remote card next to James’ keys to his vault and puts the card into ORAC.) ORAC see if you can use the findings in the Tri-corder to see what’s up with James.
ORAC: According to the data obtained James should be awake in 3, 2, 1. (James groans as the two turn to see James wake up.)
Rowdy: Thank goodness you’re all right James welcome back from the great beyond. (Lea Michele smacks Rowdy in the arm and thinks and quietly apologizes saying “Sorry I forgot”)
TLOTA: I feel like I got hit by the north end of a south bound burro and got kicked in the head by the south end.
Rowdy: Well as long as you’re awake, you’ll be right as rain soon enough.
TLOTA: I appreciate the encouragement but I’ve got a few questions. First off what year is this?
Lea Michele: 2014
TLOTA: 2014?
Rowdy: Yeah and you are a contributor to my site rowdyc.com.
TLOTA: Well, that at least helps so the only other question I have now is, who are you guys? (Rowdy and Lea look at each other and say “Oh Boy!”)
With no memory of anything that has happened, how can James come back? The Journey starts here
Survival of “The Shootist”
September 15, 2020 in The Last of the Americans
This review and the remaining reviews I do from this moment forward is dedicated in Loving memoriam of
Robert N. Faraci Sr.
1943-2020
(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room sitting in contemplation as to whether to continue or not as echoes of Chad Narducci’s voice chewing James out with Vitriolic Hate ring in James’ head. James sighs and is looking at a blank screen on his Microsoft Word Program.)
TLOTA:
What am I going to do? All I do is get chewed out by the people I need the most and the people I want to be with me, don’t want anything to do with me. Further complicating things… (James looks up from his Computer to see a photo of him and his father as the two of them and his older brothers are coming off a fishing trip with their fish. Cut to James as he begins to cry and say “Dad”)
TLOTA (Crying):
Dad, Rob I wish you guys were with me. (James continues to cry for 30 Seconds, sits and sighs)
TLOTA:
What am I going to do? James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, What can I do? Do I even continue?(James sighs as he looks on Amazon Prime and sees “The Shootist” on there. Cut to James looking at the screen and sighs.) The Shootist, the last great western of any generation, the last great John Wayne movie, the last movie of a bygone era, maybe this will be the movie will be the last roundup for me! Maybe it’s apropos for what might be my final one. (James hits the play button as John Wayne played by James appears in the same room as James. Cut to James!)
TLOTA:
Well, I think the fact that I am seeing John Wayne here is just proof that the last drop of sanity has evaporated. (Cut to John Wayne as he grabs the chair next to James)
John Wayne:
You know something James, just because I’m sitting here don’t mean you’ve fallen off the horse. It’s you just working through your problems, but you shouldn’t be doing it alone.
With John Wayne on my side, will I be able to continue on or is this the end?
Why do we still watch Christmas Specials?
September 13, 2020 in Blogs
Oh Hey, I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Since it is December, Duh, we’re getting our fair share of Christmas Specials and the networks play the ever-living daylights out of them. (Deck The Halls played by Michael Schiciano) But for me that’s no surprise, the real surprise is how many adults who don’t have kids watch them. I have nieces so technically I shouldn’t count myself but I do and so I ask as an adult Why do we still watch Christmas specials?
Why watch something that we’ve seen every year again and again?
“Yogi” is this a great Christmas Special or what?
September 12, 2020 in Blogs
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are CHRISTMAS! ( Scene speeds up but audio stays at normal speed as James says Christmas repeatedly as fast as he can as he decorates his place before getting back into his seat and shout Christmas one last time.) I love this time of year it’s when guys like us give back something to you without snark, sarcasm or anything to be harsh. (Scene cuts to photo montage of Christmas Specials as “We wish you a Merry Christmas” played by Michael Schiciano play in the background) It’s time to watch those Christmas classics like Rudolph, Frosty, Santa Claus is coming to town, Muppets Christmas specials and of course the special I’m going to review today “Yogi’s First Christmas”.
Will Yogi take this special just like a Pic-a-nic basket? Find out here!
Can we get more Thanksgiving specials?
September 11, 2020 in Blogs
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. So I’m at the supermarket with my mom getting thanksgiving fixings. (Turkey in the straw plays in the background) You know what I’m talking about, the turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, pie crust, green beans, pumpkin in a can, apples, the usual foods we associate with the holiday. But when I got home after putting away all the food, having prepared the menu for cooking and I want to sit down and watch a special on Thanksgiving, I’m inundated with more Christmas ads then I was at the store when they were playing Christmas carols! But that’s not to say I hate Christmas, I love Christmas but not while I’m getting the thanksgiving turkey and having said that I’ve got two little requests. One) Can we please, please, PLEASE wait at least a few days AFTER thanksgiving to promote Christmas and Two) Can we get more Thanksgiving specials?
Will the bird get a chance to shine again? Find out here
A “Hornet” gets stung
September 10, 2020 in Blogs, The Last of the Americans
(Scene begins with TMZ intro and TMZ announcer shouts)
TMZ announcer: IT’S TMZ! YOU WATCH IT, WE’RE COOL AS HARVEY LEVIN AND OUR TEAM OF REPORTERS GIVE ALL THE NEWS TO YOU!
(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who oddly looks like Matthew Morrison comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)
Harvey Levin: Okay, what do you have for us have, C.J.?
(Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from C.J.’s face and C.J. looks like Mark Salling oddly)
C.J.: I’ve got Kim Kardashian, Kanye West & Baby North at the pediatrician’s office! (Camera cuts back to Harvey)
Harvey Levin: They’re being good parents? Bigger than the discovery of fire! Run it as the main headline! (Scene cuts to TMZ cutaway and announcer)
TMZ announcer: TMZ! WE’RE EDGY AND THAT MAKES US COOL! (Scene cuts back to Harvey)
Harvey Levin: Kim, Kit what do you got for me? (Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from Kit’s face who looks oddly like Dianna Agron)
Kit: I’ve got Tom Cruise throwing a Molotov cocktail at a church ranting how their alien ways won’t save them from his lord L. Ron Hubbard!
(Camera zooms back to Harvey)
Harvey Levin: Oh that wacky Tommy, He’s so silly!
(Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from Kim’s Face who oddly looks like Heather Morris)
Kim: Apparently Lea Michele has found a new man but he calls himself, “The Last Of The Americans”. So much for what’s his name right!?(Everyone in the bullpen laughs uproariously)
Harvey Levin: “The Last Of The Americans”? Seriously?! How much attention are you looking for yourself to call yourself that? (Everyone laughs uproariously again.) Okay, Uh? How do you pronounce your name? (Camera zooms to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans ignoring everyone listening to music until Harvey tossed his shoe at James to get his attention.)
TLOTA: I’m sorry, what were you saying? (Camera cuts to Harvey)
Harvey Levin: How do we pronounce your name? (Camera cuts back to James)
TLOTA: Say DaVinci. (Camera cuts to everyone else)
Everyone else: DaVinci! (Camera back to James)
TLOTA: Now spell it. (Camera cuts away to Ralph who looks like Darren Criss)
Ralph: I know, I have the Tom Hanks movie DaVinci!
TLOTA: Good for you Ralphie! Now instead of Da & Vin. Put in Far and an A that makes an Ah sound to the ci that sounds like Chi and that’s how you say my name. (Camera cuts back to Harvey)
Harvey Levin: Cool, why are you ignoring us when we have to do this. (Camera cuts to James)
TLOTA: I don’t mean to ignore you guys but this drowns out the screams of “Oh Satan! Please get your cock out of my ass!” (Camera cuts to everyone else as crickets chirp then cuts to C.J.)
C.J.: Who is saying that? (Camera cuts to James)
TLOTA: Edward R. Murrow!
Why am I trapped in a level of hell that Dante forgot about? Find out here
Are today’s horror movies really that scary?
September 9, 2020 in Blogs
(“Alfred Hitchcock Presents” intro music plays as a minimal line silhouette of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans from the side and the words in Army Text “The Last Of The Americans” and the word “Editorial” appear under for two seconds then disappear as James’ shadow walks up to the silhouette as the intro ends camera zooms over to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA(Doing an impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock): Good evening, I am James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I am about to express are that from my own opinions and some from your opinions (Snickers and then laughs breaking character)
TLOTA(Normal): Okay, I’m not going to do that for awhile, but you guys know what time it is. (John Carpenter’s theme from “Halloween” plays.) It’s the time for kids to dress up like their favorite characters and ask their neighbors for candy, it’s time for us adults to go dress up a like a little more mature version of the characters with some anatomically correct pieces & some which are bit more politically incorrect than others and also we get our glut of movies that are meant to scare the ever living daylights out of people with monsters, serial killers, the un-dead, aliens and all sort of creatures that make everybody soil their underwear. But with so many terrors in the real world the question that persists in my head “Are today’s horror movies really that scary?”
Would the master of suspense find today’s horror movies any good? Find out here
Have you ever danced by the Pale “Moonlight” with The Maven Of The Eventide?
September 8, 2020 in Blogs
ORAC: I’ve set everything up. (Monster Mash intro plays as James begins to dress up as Dr. Insano and as the Drum beat kicks in James laughs insanely)
TLOTA (Sounding like Dr. Insano): I was working in the lab late one night. When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. For my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my… (TLOTA turns on the TV to see The Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: SURPRISE!
TLOTA: DWAH!(Crashing and banging noises for about half a minute that ends with a hubcap going around while Maven Of The Eventide looks)
Maven Of The Eventide: I’m not a doctor, but that HAD to smart!
What does The Maven Of The Eventide have in store for me? Find out here
Is the Sumer Blockbuster Dead?
September 7, 2020 in Blogs
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. With summer unofficially over on labor day. I went to my local theater and asked if people liked what they saw over the summer and the answer was not really. I mean yes financially it was a good year for the film industry but there was no real big Summer Blockbuster that people really cared to see over & over again. So the question I ask now is not for personal reasons but for reasons as a fan of cinema. Is the Summer Blockbuster dead?
Top Ten Funniest Power Rangers moments
September 6, 2020 in Blogs
(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Okay confession time believe it or not this is NOT my first run online. As an internet personality I first had a good run on myspace with specials during the holidays, reviews of “Kickassia”, A top ten list reasoning why I loathe Shia LaBeouf, “Suburban Knights” “Alki David’s Fish Tales” more or less talking about what’s wrong with the movie and “To Boldly Flee” but most of the stuff I did was out of character like lists of what I thought were the worst movies of the year, reviews of movies I remember seeing when I was younger or movies I had seen just recently. However due to reasons beyond my control Myspace reformatted it’s site and all my early work is gone. But the highlight of the year for me when I did my work on myspace was on the first of December listing moments of Power Rangers and believe it or not, I FREAKING LOVE POWER RANGERS. In fact the reason I like Power Rangers and still watch it to this day is because it’s action packed, the writing for the most part is solid, the acting for the most part has been awesome and some of the actors had a career after their run in the series ended and the fact it’s been on Twenty years on longer than most critics who hated and believed it wouldn’t have lasted that long are now eating their words with a side of Crow. But as a devoted fan of the Power Rangers I have seen my fair share of silly moments that got a chuckle out of me and for Power Rangers fans all over. And it’s with that in mind…(James looks to the left to see a dork looking like The Rowdy Reviewer on his computer breathing through his teeth, James looks forward to see a female geek that looks like Lea Michele with a retainer in her mouth and magnifier glasses, James looks to the right to see Nerdlinger on his laptop) I count down what I think are THE top ten funniest moments in Power Rangers.
What moments were so silly that made Zordon laugh? Find out here
“Death” of a “Hulk”-ing franchise
September 5, 2020 in Blogs
(James walks away from the conversation and out the front door to see Nash from Radio Dead Air looking bizarre.)
TLOTA: Nash? What are you doing here?
Nash: Let me have it, I want it, you’ve got it, let me have it god damn it!
TLOTA: Nash, You’re creeping me out dude!
Nash: GIVE IT TO ME! (Repeated 5Xs before James punches his lights out.)
(Cut to James in the Shower humming to himself when from out of the shadows Linkara pops up to scare the bejesus out of James screaming where is it multiple times before James knocks him out too and drags him over to Nash.)
TLOTA: Man things go from weird to crazy in Nano seconds around here who or what’s gonna happen next? (Matthew “Film Brain” Buck comes out of nowhere babbling incoherently and James swiftly knocks him out. )
What does Nash from RDA, Linkara and Film Brain have in store for me? Find out here
Are The Muppets still relevant?
September 4, 2020 in Blogs
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Now, I’m going to come out of character a little bit to reveal that I am an uncle of Three Nieces as of this blog Twin ten year olds and their baby sister who is seven months old as of this blog. I was over where they live one day and I brought over a movie starring The Muppets and while my intentions were good, my nieces weren’t interested namely because the baby probably wouldn’t have been able to process it and her older sisters thought The Muppets were lame which made me feel as if I had failed as an uncle and had me asking several questions. One) Did I miss the boat in showing my Twin nieces what the Muppets were all about? Two) Would their baby sister share the same fate? But for me the big one was “Are The Muppets still relevant?”
Does Kermit and his gang still relevant now a days? Find out here
