James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

(Scene starts as James straps on snowboarding gear and snowboarding down a mountain before cutting to John Santos, Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke as they do curling Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion as they hit the ice in Team USA Hockey gear before seeing Renee Miller and Rebecca Yaun in a two-person Bobsled careening through the course before seeing Olivia Horvath and Brenda Fonseca team up in pair of choreographed ice skating as they do a matching flying triple salchow and land next to everyone on top of the Olympic Podium as they all raise their Gold Medals before the raising of the American flag is seen and as the flag waves the words “Live To Win-Ter” is seen as 2:20-3:09 of “Live To Win” by Paul Stanley plays in the foreground before cutting to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. With the Winter Olympics around the bend I figured it’d be a good thing to toss my hand into the Olympic Arena and talk about some Olympic Sports movies. (Cut to clips of different Olympic Sports Movies as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
You know those movies with the tales of either Underdogs facing insurmountable odds or the champions trying to regain one last glimpse of glory at the grandest sports event of the Winter every four years which is half way through the Presidential term so for those fearing how much longer Trump will be in office just another two years everyone! But I digress, For the next three months I will be talking about some stories featuring characters winning or coming close to winning the Gold and most of these movies though based on real life events that happened at the Winter Olympics will be judged as movies NOT as how the stories went in real life.

How do I start off my salute to the Winter Olympics? With this Miracle here

TLOTA:
Op! No time to stay this angry because… (The background changes to outer space as James begins to Sing): You look at the Stars! And you see him, With his bright eyes of marble, he’ll make you believe, he cuts through deceit! He has some awards, No Oscars! He’s been here for so long, since the eighties, and with one “Whoa” I’m sure that you know, that he goes a little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control, yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu! You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu! (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike play as James disintegrates into stars and reforms into a constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo that zooms as it cuts to James cleaning the dust out of his office.)

TLOTA:
You’ll have to forgive me, I have to clean an entire studio, months of dust and well… enough complaining, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and (Sneezes) Some of yours. Let’s talk about Keanu Reeves! (Cut to clips of different Keanu Reeves as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to be fair, he’s had a run of critical and commercial highs and lows whether he’s had indie successes that brought audiences in or critically successful movies that couldn’t draw an audience or vice versa, Keanu has had one hell of a career starting in the mid-1980s with tv and smaller roles in movies before gaining success in movies like “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventures” and “My Private Idaho”, he’s gone on to be a dependable character actor and has become an icon in acting naturally no matter what the role is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Even if the role is that of a Plainclothes Sergeant officer in the debut of the director whose previous works in Cinematography in movies like “Die Hard” “The Hunt For Red October”, “Basic Instinct”, “Lethal Weapon 3”, “Flatliners”, & “Black Rain” and whose later direction works include (Show posters of “Twister”, “Speed 2: Cruise Control”, the 1999 “The Haunting” remake & “Laura Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life. Cut to James physically as he awkwardly smiles.)

Is “Speed” truly Cool like Keanu? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Phew, 2017 a year that defies descriptive words! (Cut to certain clips from different reviews as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Having moved away from Rowdyc.com to Manic-Expression.com was a good move on my part. Not that I’m ungrateful to those from Rowdyc.com, they gave me my first big break. I did an entire Summer Retrospective Series. I made some pretty good reviews and I thank everyone at Manic-Expression for welcoming me and my reviews with open arms. I’ve made some new friends and I’ve got to take them to a con however the trip nearly ended in disaster. We’ve been afraid that any second North Korea would wipe us off the face of the earth. We’ve seen mighty names fall from grace. But through it all we survived this…year! And for me that’s a miracle in itself! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to celebrate that miracle… (James pulls out his morpher and reverts back to being James Faraci)

James Faraci:
Let’s remember the good that happened by counting down five of your favorites and five of mine with The Top Ten Moments of 2017 from James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

Which were the best moments from 2017 for The Last Of The Americans? Find out here

TLOTA:
But one special on my list surprised people because they had barely heard of the people in the special. (Cut to clips of the Shows starring and Music Videos of S Club 7 as James does a voiceover and “S Club Party” plays in the foreground)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
For the 95% of the people here in the states who missed the music of the late 1990’s and Early 2000’s there was a flood of pop music and one band that were underdogs who clawed tooth and nail to be as recognized as equals was a pop group known as the S Club 7. Their music was catchy and looking back they deserved to top the charts when Backstreet, Britney and NSYNC were topping the Billboard Charts plus the members had talent. There was Tina Barrett the best dancer and in my opinion, was one of the best vocalists in the band. Next up Hannah Spearitt she was the little spunky one that had boys becoming men and men fighting for her. Then there was Rachel Stevens the fashion plate and the second most used female vocalist in the band. Finally, the most used vocalist in the female equation of the band Jo O’Meara. She was the one who was tough as nails if you got on her bad side but there were moments where her sillier nature shined through. On the male side of the equation we have Bradley McIntosh basically the goofball and lovable lunkhead of the group and he was the primary male vocalist for the band. Next on the male side is Paul Cattermole he’s the guy that the ladies flocked to get away from but he’s a decent singer and his footwork is fine and the final member of the group Jon Lee he’s the guy that you think would attract the ladies and the guys if he didn’t act so stupid at times, though after the band split he came out and that’s fine all hope and positive power to him. While internationally they were successful musically, State side they couldn’t catch a break even if they had cut proof gloves to grab the shards. While the TV Series they did lasted four seasons the albums sold about as much as Brian Austin Green’s album. In 2003 the S Club 7 called it quits. But not before reaching number 10 on the Pop Singles charts here in a Pre-9/11 Stateside with “Never Had A Dream Come True”. Why am I giving you all this backstory? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that way you’ll have a better understanding why their Christmas Special wound up in the number four spot in my list of 12 little known Christmas Specials

Is this as bad as that Star Wars Holiday Special or is it much better than we give it credit for? Find out here

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Deep inhaling sigh) So, it has come to this. We have become so desperate for another Thanksgiving classic that we are adding a movie with Pauly Shore. Am I on something I don’t know about or are we as a collective planet getting dumber? (“Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen plays before cutting to the title of “Son In Law” then cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
What the literal definition of hell is this? “Son In Law” is a Thanksgiving classic up on par with the likes of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and “Planes Trains & Automobiles”? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! IT’S LIKE THE NEW YORK JETS WINNING THE SUPER BOWL! WE ALL KNOW IT’LL BE THE DAY THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS GOES ICE SKATING ON THE RIVER STYX WHEN THAT HAPPENS! BUT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Am I wrong in not liking what many people think as a Thanksgiving Classic with Pauly Shore? Find out here

(A Hand pulls out a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony, James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Steve Kidd, Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James as he cleans up the studio and whistles “Frolic” by Luciano Michelini as he puts the floor buffer up he passes by Steve Kidd writing in a notebook)
TLOTA:
Hey Steve.
Steve Kidd:
Hey James. (James continues to whistle as he goes into the kitchen to make a cup of Warm Spiced Apple Cider for a few more seconds before James walks back to Steve)
TLOTA:
Steve, what are you doing here?
Steve Kidd:
Oh, nothing much just writing down ideas Warner Brothers I know will eventually do. (James looks over Steve’s shoulder)
TLOTA:
“Tom & Jerry in Rocky”, “Tom & Jerry in Blazing Saddles”, “Tom & Jerry in Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice”, “Tom & Jerry in Kickassia”, “Tom & Jerry in Suburban Knights”, “Tom & Jerry in To Boldly Flee”, “Tom & Jerry in Blade Runner”, “Tom & Jerry in The Room”, “Tom & Jerry In The Lord Of The Rings”, “Tom & Jerry In Harry Potter”, “Tom & Jerry In The Wicker Man”? Jeez dude, how many “Tom & Jerry” Crossovers are in this.
Steve:
About as much as those schmucks at Warner Brothers can make. (Cut to clips of “Tom & Jerry: Wizard Of Oz”, “Tom & Jerry: Sherlock Holmes”, “Tom & Jerry: Robin Hood” & “Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory” as Steve does a voiceover)
Steve (Voiceover):
And haven’t they done enough with the two in these situations? I mean come on Wizard of Oz, Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood all of them have been getting Tom & Jerry Shoehorned in and 95 % of the time they distract from the actual movie that we should be watching. That’s not a good thing. If I want to watch The Wizard of Oz. I DON’T want to see Tom & Jerry being the reason the water bucket nearly didn’t make it to Dorothy. I want to see Basil Rathbone’s portrayal of Sherlock Holmes solve the crime. NOT Tom & Jerry slip the clue that Moriarty did it to Sherlock Holmes. I want to see the Errol Flynn version of Robin Hood save the day. NOT see Tom and Jerry do something to distract Robin from his mission! And guess what, if I want to see the Gene Wilder classic version “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory” Guess what, I don’t want to see. TOM AND FREAKING JERRY! (Cut to James and Steve.)
TLOTA:
I see what you did. You’re gonna regret how you set me up for this.

Join Steve Kidd and I as we see if this is worse than Tim Burton’s “Charlie And The Chocolate Factory”

(The Stranger Things intro plays as Different letters outlined in Red are shown as the letters outlined in red come together to form “The Last Of The Americans” before fading away to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to images of Stephen King as James Does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I’ve been waiting to talk about Stephen King for a while but I can no longer hold back. This year alone he has quite a few of his works adapted to the big screen and one reimagined one that has done very well for itself at the box office. But what people remember primarily from these adaptations are the clichés, the silliness of the nature of these adaptations and of course The Characters and today whether they be Psychic or Psychotic, Normal or Neurotic and just so you’re aware not all of Stephen King’s works were scary so I’m going to give the characters that weren’t in the horror section of King’s works a fair shake as well. With that in mind I am counting down the top 13 Interesting Characters of the works of Stephen King. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Why 13? Because the Psychic felt that fourteen would be too many! These are the top 13 interesting Characters from the one and only Stephen King!

Which Psychos and Psychics are on this list? Find out here

(The Stranger Things intro plays as Different letters outlined in Red are shown and the names “James Faraci”, “Rebecca Yaun”, “Nick Yaun”, “Paulo Fonseca”, “Brenda Fonseca”, “Olivia Horvath”, “Ed Champion”, “Renee Miller”, “John Ross Santos”, “Mike Santos”, “Andrew Beach” are shown in White as the letters outlined in red come together to form “The Last Of The Americans” before fading away to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and Welcome to another edition of “The Different Cuts” (Cut to The entire team as they are armed with Chainsaws and Double Barreled 12 Gauge Shotguns as Hordes of Zombies come their way and everyone on Team “TLOTA” hack and slash their way through them all with different body parts and blood spelling out “The Different Cuts” as the final Chorus from “Don’t Stop Me Now” covered by Darren Criss plays in the background before cutting to clips from the first “Halloween” movie play as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The original 1978 Halloween movie directed by John Carpenter started the slasher film craze of the 1980’s and 1990’s and while Halloween II was as good as the first it should’ve ended there but sadly it didn’t. While the third movie tried to turn the franchise into an anthology series audience backlash forced producers to bring Michael Myers back and sadly the quality of the sequels kept going downhill so by the time the sixth one came out in 1995 the franchise was on its last legs! Having gone through hell the Original Producers Cut which was very dark and controversial and never got a theatrical release. The one we got was possibly one of the dumbest, unoriginal and yet somehow underrated movies in the entirety of the “Halloween” movies. Not even Rob Zombie’s reimagining of the original and the sequel that suceeded it can claim it is that damn good. But eventually in 2014 the original Producer’s Cut got a Blu-Ray release and Hoo boy are we in for it now! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I never thought I’d say this but I’m keeping the biggest spoiler OUT of this one when we talk about this movie and find out if the Theatrical or Producers’ version is the better cut of Halloween 6.

Will leaving out the biggest twist in one of the worst Halloween movies ever made make either one better? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. What else can I say but… The Muppets! (Cut to clips of The Muppets throughout the years as “The Muppet Show” theme song plays in the background and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Mixing old school Marionette style movement with hand puppetry Jim Henson who we lost far too early in 1990 gave us a legacy that stands the test of time! While TV was the Muppets was bread & butter for me they shined when they had the time to expand on the voodoo they do so well in the movies.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So for Muppet Wish Day I am going to go through ALL the Muppet movies in one shot! (Cut to clips of The movies starring The Muppets as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now there are some ground rules I need to lay down. One, The movies have to be about The Muppets and they have to be made for the big screen! No made for TV movies or specials and Kermit’s Swamp Years are not going to be reviewed. Two, None of the other Jim Henson based productions that were made for the cinema are not going to be reviewed. So movies like “Follow That Bird”, “The Dark Crystal”, “Labyrinth” and the Live Action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies from the 1990’s are going to be passed over and finally I will try to keep the Spoilers to the barest minimum I can for the few of you who have not seen. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s start off with our first foray for Kermit and the gang.

What will I think of these classics? Find out here

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And to be honest shows like this RARELY work. Sometimes it’s either just too unknown to newer audiences, it can’t escape the legacy of the original or sometimes everything that worked in the original misses the mark with newer audiences or the show themselves shoot themselves in the foot by insulting and attacking what made the original series work in the first place. But when these sequels series, spin off Series or reboots fail, let’s just say I sometimes wait for online reviewers to go after these shows to remind me what I liked about the original series. But with Hollywood and TV becoming more and more desperate to stay relevant, they are willing to reboot ANY show they can to revive the Nostalgia of shows from yesteryears! But back when I was younger, some series didn’t even wait for the first series was over and left to stay in Syndication Purgatory for networks to reboot series. (Cut to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
Case in point, “Saved By The Bell”!

Before this recent reiteration of the series find out how Saved By The Bell was being milked for all it was worth back in the day

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. When you look into the faces of say Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone,Jet Li, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jackie Chan, Danny Trejo, Bruce Lee and of course Chuck Norris (Cut to a fireworks display as an image of Chuck Norris is shown in front of it as a Chorus sings “A CHUCK NORRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!” before cutting to James physically) Okay that was weird but regardless when you look at them you know one thing. (Cut to clips of them blowing everything up and being bad ass heroes as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): These people are gonna kick ass blow everything up around them and save the day! When they see their own blood, they’re like “PFFFFT, Whatever, I’ve got a few hundred necks to snap, a bomb to waste the bad guys with and a town of people to adore over me as I go on a rampage that Real Law officials would NOT approve of and have me arrested for.” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But you know what? If I were to show you a few images of people who aren’t as Bad Ass as those guys I’m willing to bet you would say the following (Show images of Rory Williams from “Doctor Who”, Bob Ross, Lieutenant Olivia Benson from “Law & Order SVU”, Carter Grayson from “Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue”, Katara from “Avatar The Last Airbender” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): “Pfft, look at these white bread, boring, dull, lifeless Mary Sues and Gary Stews they’re dumbasses in distress and they’re gonna need the bad asses to save their sorry backsides.” (Cut to “Superman Returns” clip of Lex Luthor shouting “WRONG!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Well Put “Superman Returns” Clip! These guys are the real bad asses! (Cut to clips of some unexpected bad assery done by these unsuspecting bad asses as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If I was in a dark alleyway and I saw Rory Williams coming my way, I’d head back in the opposite direction in tears crying for my mommy! If Carter Grayson were to kick my sorry backside I knew I’d have it coming! If Katara got her hands on me, I’d be a friggin pretzel!

So to salute them I’m counting down the top ten Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters in TV and in Films. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Grab a first aid kit, make out your will and pray these people never find you these are the Top Ten Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters!

Which Characters are secretly more bad ass than the credit we give them? Find out here

TLOTA (Audio only): THE THREE STOOGES! (Dramatic sting plays again as it cuts to the main lobby of James’ studio as Rebecca Yaun, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller, Eric Kurtzke, John and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion search High & Low) THE THREE STOOGES! I CONFESS I KILLED THEM!

Olivia Horvath: Any sign of him?

TLOTA (Audio Only): I KILLED THEM ALL! I KILLED TED HEALY! I KILLED LARRY! I KILLED SHEMP! I KILLED CURLY! I KILLED MOE! I KILLED JOE! I KILLED CURLY-JOE! THEY ALL DIED AT MY HANDS!

Rebecca Yaun: I hope that Felicia hasn’t broken him, if she has, I’ll rip her into oblivion!

Eric Kurtzke: WILL YOU STOP THINKING FELICIA IS GONNA BREAK HIM OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL RIP YOU INTO OBLIVION!

Renee Miller: He’s not in the Mail room!

John & Mike Santos (In Unison): He’s not behind the couch!

Andrew Beach: Let’s think about this logically! (James groans a ghastly groan!)

Ed Champion: Where else would he be after watching a movie?

What movie drove me to such madness? Find out here