James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and hopefully some of yours and Merry Christmas. And yeah, I decided to tone down the Christmas intro because after all the crazy events that has happened so far with every Christmas intro, I find myself causing a bigger mess and that’s not right. So this year, I’m going to take it down a few notches and do something my Reviewing ancestors did! (Cut to clips of “Siskel & Ebert” and “Siskel & Ebert’s Holiday Guide as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It goes without saying that Gene Siskel and his friend Roger Ebert remain the greatest movie critics of all time. Everyone remembers their reviews, their arguments, and the laughs. But for a while both Gene and Roger would step away from the Balcony and check out gift ideas for the holidays and today to honor their memories and the holiday gift guides I’m doing my own Holiday gift guide. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now before I begin I want to lay out some guidelines, the gifts are going to be rather inexpensive because some of the stuff Siskel & Ebert were recommending were pricey as all get out and I know some people aren’t able to afford such luxuries, the highest I’d go is roughly $100.00, though admittedly there will be gifts that are a little more pricey which will be mentioned but I will not recommend. I’ll also be suggesting movies thanks to help from my friends. Now with an hour and a half before the Christmas party, let’s get into “The Last Of The American’s Holiday Gift guide”!

What are some of the best gifts for Christmas? Find out here

TLOTA (Voiceover):
In 1991, with Mystery Science Theater 3000 gaining in Popularity with the newly minted Comedy Central. The network came up with the idea to run a marathon of the show which included their bad movies or “Turkeys” as they’re more commonly known on Thanksgiving day and it proved to be a success. The Tradition survived throughout the Comedy Central Era and when it went to what is now SYFY they did it once and then never again. It was thankfully revived in it’s current iteration and I am so glad because it allows those who haven’t seen the series to dive head first into the franchise and get first hand knowledge of the show. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
And today, I’m counting down ten of my favorite moments of The MST3K Turkey Day Marathon. While Spoilers aren’t necessary for me to give out, it’s a Countdown on a series of Marathons. So get yourself a slice of Turkey with all the trimmings and a copy of the MST3K episode of “Attack Of The Eye Creatures”. These are the Top 10 MST3K Turkey Day Marathons

Which Turkey Day Marathons are the best from the Satellite Of Love? Find out here

(A Bolt of lightning strikes as the date “October 13, 2019” is seen. Cut to when Vincent Van Ghoul as played by Steve Kidd is uncomfortably close to James)

Vincent Van Ghoul:
Oh thank the moon and stars, I have spared you from the curse.

TLOTA:
What curse?

Vincent Van Ghoul:
The Curse of this bad movie, every copy that is out there I put into the chest of demons because they are made from different pieces of the 13th ghost. This piece if unleashed will find the others and the curse will be unleashed.

TLOTA:
Okay, but what happens if all the pieces were brought together? Wouldn’t that make the 13th ghost and bring it to life as well and unleash his curse?

Vincent Van Ghoul:
You know, I never thought about that! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in with two mugs of Warm, Spiced, Apple Cider)

Julia Alexa Miller:
About what? (Vincent turns around and James accidentally opens up the case as the scary/dramatic music used in the 1980’s Scooby Doo series is played before slamming to black and James says “OH, POOPIE!” Cut to a DVD Case seen from above at a slight angle slowly rising to reveal the cover of the DVD of “Scooby Doo And The Curse Of The 13th Ghost as the opening music of “The 13 Ghosts Of Scooby-Doo” Plays)

Vincent Van Ghoul (Voiceover):
This is a warning to all living Scooby Doo fans, that whomsoever opens up this DVD case shall unleash the 13th and final curse upon the face of the earth! (Cut to James as he grabs the DVD Case, it explodes and James does a Wilhelm Scream. Spirits and evil beings are unleashed as James, Olivia, Rebecca, Nick and Julia Alexa Miller run away from them. Show, John, Mike, Andrew, Ed, Renee, Paulo & Brenda run from another demon as two ghosts named “Michaud” and “DougnRob” stand as a demonic steamroller comes barreling towards them!)

Michaud (Played by Johnny Berchtold):
Let’s get ’em DougnRob!

DougnRob (Played by Nick Slimmer):
I’m with you Michaud! (The demonic steamroller flattens them as they scream. Cut to a black screen as a Crystal ball comes up with an image of Vincent Van Ghoul on it and everyone at Team TLOTA looks)

Vincent Van Ghoul:
Only YOU can return the curse to the case! (Spark cut to James and Team TLOTA as James holds a Sonic Screwdriver and shouts “WHY ME?!” and Vincent replies “Because you let it out!”. Cut to demons as they surround the team. Cut to Team TLOTA as they gasp in fear. Cut to more demons as James jumps up and screams in fear as a shadow covers everything. Cut to the darkness being stuffed back into the DVD Case and James sighs an “Oy”. The DVD Case glows as Vincent Laughs Cut to a black background with and blood spelling “The 13th Curse Of The Last Of The Americans” and Vincent saying The Thirteenth Curse Of The Last Of The Americans. Fade to black Cut to still photo of James getting blasted by a mystical beam as the music from the title card of “The 13 Ghosts Of Scooby-Doo” is heard and the words “The 13th Curse Of The Last Of The Americans” written by James Faraci. Cut to James as one second after the DVD case is open as James forces it closed!)

TLOTA:
Whew, Ave Maria! What just happened? ORAC, scan for any unusual energy signatures.

ORAC (Audio only):
According to the past several seconds a large energy pulse has come from the DVD Case you’re holding.

TLOTA:
Enough to say bring the parts of a demon back together?

ORAC (Audio only):
Fortunately no, but enough of a pulse to summon followers of the demon enough to grab the Chest Right now. (James hits an alarm as the scene cuts to outside as a cult of people take possession of the chest. James shouts “HEY!” off screen as Team TLOTA take an action pose)

TLOTA:
Get out of the yard! (Cut to the Cultists and Team TLOTA as they collide. Cut to Team TLOTA as they look like they’ve gotten their collective backsides handed to them and James has an ice pack on his junk)

TLOTA:
Nice try guys and I mean it, you did your best.

Vincent Van Ghoul:
And if that was your best then it was putrid! They took the chest, they took your DVD, and even worse they have your lady friend, Alex I think is her name. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Well do your voodoo that you do so well to find out where the Chest and Alex are and I’ll do my voodoo! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours! (Cut to the different incarnations of “Scooby-Doo” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“Scooby-Doo” is as far as I’m concerned an animated legend. His popularity has never wavered and he always seemed to be in the right place at the right time to put masked criminals away with his friends Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, Fred Jones, Daphne Blake and Velma Dinkley. This also set a template for Saturday Morning cartoons in the 1970’s. A group of teens and their pet would see something supernatural, discover the mystery behind it and unveil the mastermind behind it. The multiple series starring the series by the mid 1970’s the people in charge of the series felt the series needed something fresh so they added a new character. A nephew of Scooby’s named Scrappy-Doo (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now before I get a ton of messages and comments, Yes, I hated how they bastardized Scrappy in the first live action movie and yes I liked Scrappy up until then. I also wanted to say that yes I know I just defended Scrappy Doo. I await the worst from you. (Cut to the opening of “The 13 Ghosts Of Scooby Doo, then to clips of “The 13 Ghosts Of Scooby Doo” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
By the mid 1980’s the series was going to get a new twist with “The 13 Ghosts Of Scooby Doo”. The series had new characters in “Flim-Flam” and Vincent Van Ghoul played by the awesome Vincent Price. The plot was simple after accidentally opening up the legendary “Chest Of Demons” Scooby and Shaggy, Daphne, Flim-Flam, Scrappy must find a way to put the demons back where they came from. And for my money there’s a reason that both the show is in my must watch on Halloween list and that the show is underrated, while it got a DVD release a few years ago, it never got a proper finale. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for the record what I just saw… I’m still waiting!

Will this movie be tossed into the Chest Of Demons? Find out here

Shannon Doherty:
Uh, do we have the right place?

Rose McGowan:
A man is here, he needs to DIE!

Holly Marie Combs:
Shannon, don’t try to talk to her, she’s determined to kill every guy who even thought about her and Alyssa, remember we placate her enough until we get her in the nut… (Thunderous boom is heard as lightning cracks the sky which sends the Cauldron flying through the sky)

Alyssa Milano:
Okay, obviously this is not normal! (Cut to James in his Halloween shirt as he holds the Sword of Caliverti up and lightning striking it and chanting in an unknown tongue as electricity engulfs James Faraci. Cut to Rose McGowan as she tries to attack James screaming “DIE MALE SCUM DIE!” repeatedly until a wayward bolt knocks her out. Cut to Shannon Doherty, Alyssa Milano and Holly Marie Combs as they look and see James)

Holly Marie Combs:
That is not the target I think Rose had in mind! HEY YOU! (Cut to James as he puts the sword down and the lightning no longer engulfs him and James acts normally)

TLOTA:
Yes! (Cut to Shannon, Alyssa, Holly and a recently revived Rose.)

Rose McGowan:
Why are we not killing him?

Alyssa Milano:
Maybe it’s not the target we’re after.

Rose McGowan:
He’s a man! HE MUST DIE! He sent me a message.

Alyssa Milano:
Wait, everyone check for this guy’s e-mail address. What is it? (James Hands the ladies his E-Mail Address and the four look for his E-Mail Address) “A Countdown”? (Cut to Shannon Doherty)

Shannon Doherty:
“Top 13”

Rose McGowan:
“Because The Power of three added to ten gives the list a little extra power”

Holly Marie Combs:
“Spoilers will happen and I will be mentioning Obscurus Lupa a lot in the list”? Who’s Obscurus Lupa (A voice mocking Holly Marie Combs’s voice repeats what she just said. Cut to James)

TLOTA:
That would be Lupa! (Cut to Obscurus Lupa as she comes from out of nowhere)

Obscurus Lupa:
And you four have been nothing if not a gigantic pain in my ass outside of a bald headed prick that needs to get his ass kicked. (Cut to Rose McGowan)

Rose McGowan:
Give me ten minutes and where he is and I can make it look like a justifiable homicide! (Cut to Obscurus Lupa has a look on the face with the thought of “Maybe I should let her know where he is.” James says “Lupa!”)

Obscurus Lupa:
It was a thought. (Cut to Alyssa Milano)

Alyssa Milano:
Okay, we’re so off track right now. So let’s try to see what you were asking about. You wanted to talk about the Top 13 Episodes of “Charmed” (Cut to James and Lupa)

TLOTA:
That’s right. (Cut to Shannon Doherty)

Shannon Doherty:
And half of the list will be from my tenure. (Cut to Rose McGowan)

Rose McGowan:
And Half from my tenure? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yes and Yes there will be spoilers. All I need was your consent to do it. The rational person would either say yes or no! Not set up a coven to wipe me off the face of the earth! I mean yeah I’ve had bad experiences doing these types of countdowns. I had the Power Rangers go after me when I dealt with their series and last year Chai Romruen-Hansen went after me I think, not only for a retrospective I did in the summer of 2017 but also for a “What I wanted to see in the H2O/Mako Mermaids Movie” editorial last year! So do you say, can I do my countdown? (Cut to Shannon Doherty, Alyssa Milano and Rose McGowan)

Shannon Doherty:
Can we talk it over amongst ourselves. HOLLY! (Cut to Holly Marie Combs as she speaks and Lupa repeats her mocking Holly’s voice until finally Holly decides to mock Lupa’s voice leading to Lupa mocking Holly Marie Combs’ voice mocking her own voice! Shannon, Alyssa and Rose shout “STOP FEEDING INTO HER AND GET OVER HERE!” Holly Marie Combs walks away as the four talk in a huddled up position. Cut to James and Obscurus Lupa)

TLOTA:
Lupa, Why do you always rile your prey?

Obscurus Lupa:
What do you mean?

TLOTA:
You basically goaded Holly Marie Combs into mocking your voice and then you made yourself sound dumb and that’s the last thing you are.

Obscurus Lupa:
Well thanks James-Bama for thinking so highly of me! Say if I ever do a “Movie Nights” what movies would you like me to check out?

TLOTA:
Well there are quite a few. I wrote them down in a list.

Obscurus Lupa:
Thank you oh wait, I think they’ve come to a decision. (Cut to the four as Rose McGowan walks to James)

Rose McGowan:
Okay, were it up to me I would only say “Yes” if I were to beat you to death and cover myself in your blood and other fluids! But since the others have as much say as I do, we all agree, You can do your funny little “Top 13” but know that if you do something stupid ever again, you…are…DEAD! (Rose McGowan walks away James turns towards his studio, Sighs then Rose McGowan runs up and tries to beat the living man-crap out of him!)

Getting their permission was the easy part, the hard part? Doing this Top 13

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to the Opening Credit scene of “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” then clips of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” play as the “Law & Order: SVU” theme song plays in the foreground James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As of this post, Law & Order: Special Victims is gearing up for it’s 21st season. The series has come a LONG way from the first Spin Off of “Law & Order”. This series has become a cultural landmark, having made a household name out of Mariska Hargitay, changed how rape and abuse is looked upon in the media and has become the longest running drama in the history of Television. But how has it earned that distinction? What has kept the show going after tumultuous cast departures, an episode that will never see the light of day and everything else that would’ve ended a series like this only a few years in? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well this will definitely not be your usual Mini-Review/Editorial, I will be talking about subjects I naturally try to avoid when it comes my work because I don’t want to alienate ANYONE by going into subjects that divide people like Politics and my views on certain subjects so bear in mind if I say something that may contradict certain things mentioned as to how certain people say and or how they would do things in the real world. So let’s get into the whats, the hows and whys as we find the secret that has made “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” the longest running Primetime Drama in TV History.

Check out my history with the longest primetime drama that’s still running right here.

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Born from one of the abandoned plot ideas from “Superman III”, Directed by the man that brought us “Jaws 2” and starring actors and actresses who are WAY better than this, “Supergirl” is a cheese filled…

KiraKennedy (Voiceover):
Wait a second… (Cut to James and KiraKennedy physically)

KiraKennedy:
This movie started out as an abandoned plot of “Superman III”? The one that had Richard Pryor in his comedic worst?

TLOTA:
Yeah, let’s just go through this. 1978, “Superman: The Movie” was released and began a renaissance in Superman after fifteen years of being a punchline or at best dumping grounds for Fire Island/ San Francisco Jokes on “Superfriends” were it not for network sensors. “Superman II” was re-filmed because Richard Donner got the boot and “Superman III” had about at least fifty ideas that Warner Brothers rejected and one of them was that Supergirl was to be introduced as was Brainiac and there was going to be a love triangle between them.

KiraKennedy:
Uh who was the guy who came up with that idea?

Can KiraKennedy and I find out where this Super Turkey came from? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and welcome to another edition of”Connect The Plots” (Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of “Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers” & “Halloween: H20”, All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the “Wolverine” & “Deadpool” movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings “Connect The Plots La-La-La!” before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words “Connect The Plots” before cutting to every single movie, cartoon and TV Series and every bit of minutia featuring “Batman” as the Danny Elfman “Batman Theme” plays in the foreground and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Batman while I consider an Anti-Hero, has been a huge Icon for DC Comics though honestly he should be No. 2 in comparison to Superman but that’s me. But then again after “Endgame” DC Comics should for “Dead in the freezing Cold water Comics” because the only way they can ever gain ground and be No.1 again is if everything Marvel touches turns to bigger piles of poop than DC have been doing but that’s unlikely. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay I went off track and I apologize for it. The point is Batman like Superman has had multiple incarnations and while a lot of them were in animated form the only true live action form was the Adam West incarnation. Other incarnations went to the animated route but if they ever try the live action route it always has the notion of how to make a Batman Series with out the Bat? They’ve tried it before twice

Which two shows in Batman’s franchise did I find a connection in? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And Welcome back to another edition of “The Different Cuts” (Whistling version “The Lumberjack Song” is heard as Team TLOTA dressed as Lumberjacks see a gigantic piece of film celluloid and James chops it down and the other members cut it to different lengths and on the ends sticking out of the back of the truck the words “The Different Cuts” are seen in differing syllables. Cut to “X-Men Dark Phoenix” Trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
With “X-Men: Dark Phoenix” having put the final nail in 20th Century Fox’s rights with the X-Men Franchise and the production company and as of this moment 20th Century Fox now being just another soulless subsidiary of the Mouse eared Empire and that is a shame to see a once mighty juggernaut fall to ruin. But what led us to this point? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, some say it all went downhill after one of the more particularly good X-Men Movies (Show Opening Title card of “X-Men: Days Of Future Past”, Cut to Clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“X-Men: Days Of Future Past” is actually one of the better X-Men movies in recent history. It rewrites certain movies out of continuity, tells the tale from the comic in its own way and was the second half of a necessary evil in Rebooting the venerated franchise. However, from what has been discovered Anna Paquin was supposed to be in the movie, reprising her role as “Rogue”. But for one reason or another Anna was forcibly cut from the movie. Leaving people stunned, however Bryan Singer wasn’t about to let what Anna did lie on the cutting room floor so the same year “Days Of Future Past” came out in theaters “The Rogue Cut” was released on Blu-Ray and DVD and Digital Download giving us the version that was meant to be seen. But does it mean it’s better? (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Let’s find out as we look at both versions of “X-Men: Days Of Future Past” and figure out what the best version of the retelling of the Comic Book Classic.

Join me to see which one is the better version of The Days Of Future Past” and go through to the end to see an announcement to set up for something awesome

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Napoleon Bonaparte said it best when he said “History is a myth that men agree to believe.” Something tells me Hollywood says something similar to itself when making Bio-Pics “History Schmistory!” (Cut to clips of Bio-Pics as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
With a recent wave of movies like “Bohemian Rhapsody”telling the tales of Iconic musicians Freddie Mercury and the band he fronted “Queen” & “Rocketman” telling the story on how young Reginald Kenneth Dwight became Sir Elton John people have been going to them with everyone saying “This is a good movie but it is not the real history behind Elton John or Freddie Mercury and his relationship with his bandmates Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor. And as I saw them and other movies about real people I saw things that didn’t make much sense when I did research, I realized that the production companies behind them were as guilty as the filmmakers who did these movies. They obviously do somethings that for the sake of either time restraints or to either glorify or demonize certain people because they want to tell a story about someone. But should they?

Discover the reason why filmmakers try to shorten a man’s life down to a couple of hours here

(Scene begins with James opening the door to his new studio as he enters, he has a smile on his face.)

TLOTA:
Good morning ORAC!

ORAC (Audio only):
You’re certainly in a rather good mood.
TLOTA:
Why not, the studio warming party is in a few hours, Alex is in a good mood and I’m going to watch and review the movie “Spice World”. (Record scratches)

ORAC (Audio only):
I now must ask the obvious, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSE OF SANITY?

TLOTA:
Long time ago ORAC! But I’m still going to watch and review the movie “Spice World”

UH-OH! People get ready to call the wacky shack! Why would I deliberately review this one? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. If my attire and my intro hasn’t it made it clear, I enjoyed the series “American Gladiators”. (Cut to clips of the original “American Gladiators” series and original “American Gladiators” theme song is playing as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
American Gladiators was a game show that ran for several seasons with Mike Adamle and a few different co-hosts including Joe Theismann, Todd Christensen, Lisa Malosky, even former American Gladiator Dan “Nitro” Clark. But the longest partnership and the one pairing that was the longest and the one that worked the best in my mind was the one with former Miami Dolphin Larry Csonka. The series was a competition tournament featuring male and female Weekend Warriors taking on larger than life muscle men and women with names like “Gemini”, “Lace”, “Zap”, “Blaze”, “Turbo”, “Tower”, “Laser”, “Gold”, “Sabre” & “Diamond” just to name a few of the Gladiators in grueling challenges and the best of the winners and the few of highest scoring competitors in the losing bracket were brought back in a tournament to see who would be “American Gladiators” Champion. However by the mid 1990’s people’s tastes in Weekend Warrior competition was changing and the series was starting to suffer from the effects of trying to keep up with the times and by 1996 the series was on it’s last legs but the people in charge of the show thought of a way to revive interest. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was to make a spin off for the kiddies, which featured The Gladiators in more of a coaching position and educational capacity and putting a ton more educational material as well as modifying the courses from the parent show. (James looks around) Wait… whut?

The American Gladiators in an Kid Friendly Educational Spin-Off, This will not end well! Find out here

(Scene starts in the shadows of flames as soundalike of “Arabian Nights” plays in the foreground and the smoke spells out “The Last Of The Americans’ Sixth Anniversary Special” before it disappears then spells “Aladdin” before the sands blow over and it cuts to a dessert as a man on a camel travels from left to right)

The Man on the Camel (Singing):
Oh I come to a land to a faraway place where crazy happens every hour of more! Where enchantment runs wild and the magic is free, it’s not normal but hey it’s home! When the winds of the east and the sun is in the west and sand in glass is right, come on down stop on by hop on a horse and come by to an amazing Arabian night! Arabian Niiiiiights, like Arabian daaaaays are more often than not so hotter than hot in so many ways! Arabian Niiiiiiights like Arabian Moons, the fool off his guard can fall off so hard and be one with the dunes! (The Man on the Camel played by Chris Lee Moore comes off)

The Man on The Camel (Played by Chris Lee Moore):
Ah Salaam and welcome please come close! (The Camera comes mere fractions of an inch before stopping) Good point to stop there. Welcome to Aragrabah! City of mystery, of enchantment and the finest wares to be on sale this side of the Dead Sea on sale right now! Combination Hookah and Coffee maker and cannot break (The Man On The Camel taps it with his hand and it breaks on impact.) Well I’ll be a flaming goats’ patoot, It broke! (The Camera walks away.) Wait don’t go! I was hoping to wait until I was desperate, but this lamp and this key may look common but these two changed the lives of so many including a hero who thinks he is not! This tale begins on a dark night where a dark man waits in the desert with a dark purpose.

Join me and the woman I love as we tour the city of Aragrabah and help discover why the 1992 Animated movie is better than the live action movie here