James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted “Doctor Who” series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words “Reality Checkout” while the theme from “Welcome Freshmen” plays in the background before cutting back to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
So a lot of people have been asking me since I have been doing “Reality Checkout” about believe it or not, Cooking shows and they have asked me whether or not they actually are considered Reality TV! To which I have to say… Yes and No!

Hear me out before you roast me at 350 Degrees!

DukeCT:
Your movie caused a migraine so you deserve to get chewed out! Romano, You cannot tell me that you thought this was a good idea! This movie was a trainwreck!(Cut to clips of the movie as DukeCT does a voiceover)

DukeCT (Voiceover):
LOOK AT IT! THIS ISN’T THE WORK OF FANS! THIS IS THE WORK OF JACKASSES! THIS MOVIE IS THE FECES THAT IS PRODUCED WHEN STUPIDITY OVERDOSES ON IDIOCY! THIS MOVIE MADE ME ENVY THE DEAF, DUMB AND BLIND! (Cut to DukeCT as James comes in)

DukeCT:
GRAPPLING HOOK! CRYING! DUMB! BAD! (DukeCT collapses onto James from the pain of the migrane. Cut to Christy and Brendan as they survey the damage.)

Christy Romano:
So Doc, do ya think we’ve done enough internet reviewers to tear this movie apart?

Brendan Rooney:
Well…. (Christy Romano and Brendan Rooney pull on their faces revealing that they are in fact Dr. Drakken played by Steve Kidd and Shego played by Rebecca Yaun!)

Dr. Drakken:
I have to say so, now to show the footage of this on the internet and…

Shego:
I hate to break the news to you but… I think someone’s coming.

Who is coming to help me and DukeCT? Will this DCOM be SO worth the aggravation? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after three months of sitting through American Pie, I can say honestly, it’ll be a cold day in HELL before I touch another Gross Out movie. But after watching all of them, I think I have a good reason why this sort of comedy has in some regards a level of legitimacy in comedy! (Cut to clips of gross out comedies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now I’m not going to say that I’m an expert on the subject on comedy, if anything a lot of things that has happened to me recently has made an expert in some moments that were meant to happen years down the line. But after three months of sitting through and wading through such viscera and filth and slime I actually discovered something interesting. A formulae as it were. Something that makes gross out humor work. It’s not perfect but in some weird way works.

Discover the formula for what makes Gross out humor work here?

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. When I think of great comedic Duos of the past thirty years, one of my favorites are Jay and Silent Bob (Cut to stills of “Jay and Silent Bob” from the different Kevin Smith movies with them in it as James does a Voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And for me seeing them let me know I was getting into some great and interesting storytelling from Kevin Smith. While initially Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith didn’t think the characters were going to become as iconic, they soon became a staple in what was known as The View Askewniverse, sort of what Samuel L Jackson’s Nick Fury would be in most of the entries in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And often enough they’d pop up in some interesting places like in “Scream 3” and “DeGrassi: The Next Generation”. More recently Jay and Silent Bob returned with “Jay & Silent Bob Reboot” and for me as soon as it’s on Blu-Ray and or Digital, I’m going to check it out. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And personally, I’m glad to see them because I’ve been missing them since 2006! Why that long? Because that was when they were last seen.

Find out what left Jay & Silent Bob out of the cold until The Reboot? Find out here

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and now we’ve come to the final slice of pie and believe me I wish it was good.

Will this final slice of “Pie” be the stale one? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well with Three cinematic successes of American Pie under Universal’s belt, how could they keep the success going? By taking the franchise into the realm of Straight to DVD territory. (Show title cards of the straight to DVD “American Pie” movies. Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These four movies try to continue where the first three movies left off in telling teen hijinks with sexual mishaps. Would they be able to continue and enhance the legacy of the movies that came before them? Well given the history of Universal’s Straight To DVD material, I’m not looking forward to quality work. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
And before we begin, Spoilers, they’re going to flow like the fluids that have essentially kept this franchise going on so many levels. I will also be doing these in rapid fire succession!

How much “Pie” will it take for me before I blow my chunks? Find out here

(Cut to James physically as he looks disturbed to the point of total disgust, takes off his glasses and then the sound of “The Crying Game” plays as James runs out of the room, Julia Alexa Miller sees it, shouts “Oh Mein Gott!” and follows James. As The song plays James and Julia collectively toss their cookies, Brush their teeth with violent vigor, Stick clean plungers on their faces, toss their cookies then toss their clothes and every single “American Pie” movie in a barrel filled with a flammable liquid then console themselves in a fetal embrace in the same bathtub as both shout and cry “NO! NO!”.)

UH-OH! Will this slice of “Pie” be too disgusting for my taste? Find out here

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after the success of the first movie, Universal saw dollar signs in that there pie and decided to take a second slice!

Will the second slice of “Pie” be as tasty? Find out here

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. In 1999, apparently there was a list of movies that were meant to be a good substitute for watching “Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace” and near the top of the list was a little known movie called “American Pie” (Cut to the title card of “American Pie” then clips from the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This movie somehow became the biggest sleeper hit 1999. But how did that happen and how did it become a successful enough franchise to have so many movies. Well from starting now until March we’re going to look at all of them.

Will this first slice of “Pie” still taste as good as it did when it was baked? Find Out Here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours, I’ve seen movies that have had their fair share of good and bad moments and always I found something enjoyable about them. What I just saw had me having this reaction. (Cut to James with a blank background as he screams into a backpack for thirty seconds! Cut to James in his office.) Yeah people, this one as much as I tried to give it a fair shake always somehow, it did everything in its power to throw it away!

Will Alex DeCourville’s movie blind me with Science? Find out here

The one in the cloak:
Now as I was trying to say, I am “The Guardian”! I am here to help you on your journey. Through this castle, I will guide you through so you may return. (Cut to a close up of James)

TLOTA:
Return to what? I died, I stabbed myself through the chest my lungs are gone, my heart ripped out as it has been like that for eight years now and I think that… (Cut to James as he looks around The Guardian as The Guardian walks away and James runs up to The Guardian and follows The Guardian as the two of them walk in the clockwork castle.) As I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted when you walked away, I think that I deserve to be at peace after everything I been through. I think I am entitled to… (A ghostly figure appears in front of the two as “The Guardian” starts to do something as James confesses a horrible secret about him which sends him reeling backward and the castle moves forward in the clockwork.)

“The Guardian”:
What did you do?

TLOTA:
I don’t know, I guess it feeds off confessions.

“The Guardian”:
Perhaps you’re more well-knowledgeable about this place.

TLOTA:
No, but I am a quick study!

“The Guardian”:
Come with me!

Trapped in a place where I must fight for my life, is it time that I “Face The Music”? Find Out Here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. You know something 2019 was trying to kill me, in more ways than one! (Cut to clips of certain clips from reviews from “The Last Of The Americans” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Between having to escape from my old studio after a mob of John Cena fans surrounded the studio wanting my backside, then being forced out by the landlord because raised my rent and I can honestly say I wasn’t surprised after all I’ve done there, I nearly died in a foreign city in the past, Not to mention all the delays which nearly cost me dearly and not to mention time and space nearly being destroyed. I barely made my quota as an Internet Reviewer, However, I did have something good happen which may affect next year lord willing and the crick don’t rise! While everything came together quickly, everything was delayed to well personal reasons. Mainly the fact I’ve been having family issues as my brother having suffered a stroke a few months into this year and didn’t make it to the end of the year. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

But even though they have slowed me down, I still did this year’s work and got it in by some grace of god, I’ve got my five and five from my viewers. (James pulls out his morpher and De-Morphs back to James Faraci)

James Faraci:
So here we go The Top 10 TLOTA Moments of 2019

See the best moments of 2019 for James Faraci The Last of The Americans here