James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

TLOTA:
“SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL” YOU’RE SICK! YOU’RE A SICK MOVIE “SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL” YOU’RE SICK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to water, intercut with James babbling incoherently about Brody and his fate. Cut to James.) YOU’RE SICK, MOVIE YOU! ARE! SICK!

How can the family film called “Scales: Mermaids Are Real” be considered sick? Find out here

TLOTA:
Hi Alex, How have you been? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Between listening to S Club 7 as you clean, the thudding of your feet, and having to hear Chad complaining about you breathing, let alone living, I can barely get any work done! It is pissing me off! (Cut to James as he jumps over the couch.)

TLOTA:
I’m sorry, look, I’ve been trying to crack through that hard head but he and I have that in common, however, I think he has more pleasure in tormenting me than he does, whatever he does in the office next to mine. Seriously it took me three times longer to get my Top ten on the “Fast and Furious” because I had to hear him banging and making so much noise. Why did you give him the office next to mine? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
It was the only way to placate him. I just think the rest of the team needs to return to balance out both your alpha male egos. Look, try to relax, watch and enjoy something. (Julia Alexa Miller kisses James on the cheek. Cut to James as he gets ready to pop in “Seeing Double” in his player and James hits the play button as Static appears and Mathew “Film Brain” Buck pops in and says “Hi James!” Cut to James as he just sat down on the couch.)

TLOTA:
Mathew. (Cut to Mathew “Film Brain” Buck)

Mathew “Film Brain” Buck:
Oh come on, can’t you just stick with what I came up with? (Mathew pulls out the script) “James pops in “Seeing Double” the movie from the S Club.” (A movie I knew got a theatrical release but never saw) “Mathew (That’s me) comes in ready to torment James for not being able to review the god awful movie “Fishtales” starring Billy Zane with James and having been unable to stop James from reviewing “Spice World” The Movie”. (Mathew puts script down) It’s not that hard to follow an idea I came up with. (Cut to James on the couch)

TLOTA:
Mathew, I’m busy. Why don’t you pester Allison or Linkara or anyone else? (Static appears as it cuts to Todd In The Shadows at his electronic keyboard)

Todd In The Shadows:
DAMN IT MATHEW! YOU HAD ONE JOB! ONE GOD DAMNED JOB! (Cut to James)

What do Mathew “Film Brain” Buck and Todd In The Shadows have in store for me? Find Out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours, is it wrong of me to think that “The Fast And The Furious” movies are not that bad? (Cut to clips of “The Fast And The Furious” movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Created by Gary Scott Thompson, this franchise has eight movies, nine if you count the “Hobbs & Shaw” Spin-off and a new one coming soon as well as an animated spin-off featuring a fictitious nephew called “Spy Racers”, “The Fast And The Furious” has become one of the longest and most successful movie franchises. Having earned over five BILLION dollars even though Critical reaction has been mixed at best. But to me, every one of these movies has their awesome moments and their moments that you look at and think “NO! NO! NO! That is just TOO dumb! Even by most movie-making standards” But today we’re looking at ten of the ridiculous moments, the moments that would either be a chuckle or a scream of laughter as you cry “WHY?”, either way, it should be funny. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So get ready to crank the Nitrous, shift these cars into the turbo, and live your life every quarter mile, these are the Top 10 most Ridiculous moments of “The Fast And The Furious” movies!

Ten ridiculous moments from the craziest movie franchise ever made? Find them out here

Julia Alexa Miller:
What possessed you to pack everything I had up?

TLOTA (Offscreen):
Alex, I thought you were gone for good and I was into making some changes both personally and professionally. (Cut to James as enters Julia Alexa Miller’s Office as he shows his clean-shaven face to Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Speaking of changes, What do ya think? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
You look great! (Cut to James as a voice screams “ALEX, ARE YOU HERE?”)

TLOTA:
We’re up here! (Cut to Chad Narducci as he walks up and shoves James away)

Chad Narducci:
Oh thank god you’re here and packing up! That’s awesome! Well, thank you James for making sure Alex is okay and this is awesome, you’re packing up and getting ready to go. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she is putting everything back)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I was remodeling the office so I can return. (Cut to James as he walks back to Chad)

Chad Narducci:
Okay Faraci, Whatever you did to her, I am telling you to reverse it.

TLOTA:
I didn’t do a damn thing. Look, it’s obvious we all need to walk down to the last office in the hall!

Chad Narducci:
Why? Are we going to go at it like animals?

TLOTA:
No, he’s a therapist that I legally sublet an office so he can help out the rest of the team when they can come back safely and can help with us when we have Psychological problems and we’ll meet him AFTER the intro!

(Scene cuts away to a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to an office door with the words “Dr. Denny Psychiatric Professional”. Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
So now what do we do?

Who’s the shrink to fix this movie’s problems? Find out here

TLOTA:

I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and even though I’m still stuck in Quarantine Lockdown, guess what, it’s time once again for “The Different Cuts” (Whistling version “The Lumberjack Song” is heard as Team TLOTA dressed as Lumberjacks see a gigantic piece of film celluloid and James chops it down and the other members cut it to different lengths and on the ends sticking out of the back of the truck the words “The Different Cuts” are seen in differing syllables. Cut to “The Lord Of The Rings” trilogy as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
For me as much as the original Star Wars Trilogy was and remains a cinematic masterpiece, for my money Peter Jackson’s “Lord Of The Rings” trilogy has better storytelling, better acting, better action, better music (mutters “John Williams forgive me!”), more inspirational themes, and overall has a better grasp on themes that Star Wars missed out on. Based on the J.R.R. Tolkien series of books this tale of a Ring forged in the heart of Mordor and a journey to destroy the one ring once and for all went through a lot to get to the big screen and Director Peter Jackson took the Lord Of The Rings to the Academy Promised Land as all three movies won Academy Awards in the technical departments and the third and final one won the best Director and best Movie among the other awards the trilogy earned. However Peter Jackson thought that as much as the theatrical cuts were great, he decided to give all three movies an extended edition which he hoped would be great enhancements to what was and is some of the finest works in cinema! But which version is the better version? Well today for funsies we’re going to see which version is the better version.

Which cut of “The Lord Of The Rings” is the one true cut? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and yeah even after my mental meltdown earlier this month, I’m still going just like a great white shark. Speaking of them, Have I ever said anything about the JAWS movies? (Cut to clips from all four of the “JAWS” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And really there is a bit to like about all of them whether it’s the original which had Roy Scheider as Chief Brody, Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper and Robert Shaw as Quint taking on a gigantic Great White Shark that would dwarf the longest dock in the fictional Amity Island, the first sequel that had the burned shark and Chief Brody dealing with PTSD from the firstshark attack, The laughable Three Dimensional effects, story and of course Dennis Quaid in JAWS 3D, then of course there is the ridiculously hilarious melodrama and of course Michael Caine in JAWS: The Revenge. All four sprung from the story by Peter Benchley about a great white shark that decides to territorialize itself to the fictional Amity Island where it is up to local Fisherman Quint, Police Chief Brody and Marine Biologist Hooper to stop the shark and today I’m going to count down ten of the dumbest moments from all four of these movies! There will be spoilers, laughs and other moments that’ll leave you wondering what they were thinking when it came to the fate of poor Bruce! (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
So let’s put the man in the cage, put the cage in the water, put the man in the water because the shark is in the water! Our shark and enjoy the top ten Dumbest moments from The JAWS movies

Which ten moments didn’t just jump the shark, they blew up? Find out here

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house and he is in tears and continues to cry as he holds up the case for “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn”)

TLOTA (While crying):
Mommy! I don’t wanna watch movies anymore!

UH-OH! If I’m this broken, then we’ve hit a new low. Find out what broke me here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, but thankfully I can still “Connect The Plots”!(Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of “Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers” & “Halloween: H20”, All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the “Wolverine” & “Deadpool” movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings “Connect The Plots La-La-La!” before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words “Connect The Plots” before cutting to every single movie in the MCU and the recent DC Movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
With Marvel now officially the dominant Comic Book movie production company it seems that DC’s movies are on life support and their recent movies haven’t helped at all as they’ve been trying to play “Keeping Up With The Jonses” even though they claim “We’re gonna do our own thing” it’s clear that they’re still fighting Marvel with every tactic they and the corporate execs with the charts, the graphs, the test audience scores they have and it’s clear the tactics they have aren’t working. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And believe it or not, they had the makings of a DC Movie Shared Universe with two movies that came out back to back!

How did DC have had a connected universe and fail to capitalize on it? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and even though it is my Seventh Anniversary, for me, I have no reason to celebrate, I’m still stuck in Quarantine Lockdown, I’m dealing with even more hardships as with my luck, this will most likely be out in August, If I’m Lucky! (A Phone rings off screen) I’ll get it! (James walks off for two seconds.) Hello! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Finally it took forever to get some signal here, I’m running on Solar Generators but regardless, I have been getting my execs with the charts, graphs and test audiences to work on a script for a movie! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
First and only Question is Why? Don’t you know there’s a coronavirus quarantine that’s supposed to grind everything and everyone down to a halt! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Uninspired writing, talentless acting and hack directors cannot wait! Besides, me and my execs have after numerous rewrites after numerous test audience results have finally written out the plo… Oh! Never mind, more test audience results show they don’t like the plot. But we’ll get the first draft in eventually, then we’ll show you that creativity, artistry, a real plot or story or anything that goes into movies! (Cut to James as he hangs up the phone)

TLOTA:
I’m going to be crazy by the end of the year, I can see it coming! (A Phone rings off screen again and James walks away for two seconds) Hello! (Cut to a man named Steven played by Johnny Berchtold covered in milk and pea soup as an infant is crying in the background)

Steven:
Yes, my name is Steven and I am currently taking care of Mr. Bryan Singer. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I can hear from the background. (Cut to Steven as an infant is crying in the background)

Steven:
Apparently, he’s not too happy and is blaming the audience and the critics not getting what he wanted to do. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
With what, I’m afraid to ask. (Cut to Steven as an infant is crying in the background)

Steven:
A movie he made in 2006.

Is Bryan Singer kryptonite to Superman as he returns? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, still waiting for this damned Coronavirus to go away. But this did give me time to reconnect to something I forgot but still cared about. The series that made me see the power of the internet and how any idea can succeed! (Cut to the title card of “Life As A Mermaid” Cut to clips of the show as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
Directed and co-created by the beautifully talented Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci. Written by Holden Weihs, Yale Apter, Ryan Brennan and a plethora of talent in both in front of the camera and behind the camera. This series had great acting, great writing, perfunctory direction and production value and even though it has ended two years ago, does the series as a whole hold up? (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
Well let’s find out. Now please note, I’m going through mini-sodes that work in the plot of the main seasons, specials and I am going to look at the series through the fact they have been worked into movies because all the episodes from each season, even if it was filler were made into movies. But if I missed say a short in which Cam and Valerie make Bathtub soap bombs, then it’s not essential to the series. My mind set is “What is the essential to the series itself is what matters to the review.”

Join me as I go through a series through the eyes of a fan and the person who must review it right here

TLOTA:
Besides it didn’t exactly make stars overnight nor did it kill every career. Arielle Kebbel came out just fine. I mean look at her IMDB, Look at her. (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

TLOTA (Audio only):
With her New York Apartment, her couch, her well cared for body. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Her eyes that appear to be stabbing daggers into my sou.. (James groans like Moe from The Three Stooges. Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
Arielle Kebbel? (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
That’s right and I have a few bones to pick with you. You may have found me and a lot of my work enjoyable, but I wish I could say the same about you. (Cut to James physically)

Arielle Kebbel (Audio only):
You see James, I don’t like your reviews but guess what I found… (Cut to Arielle Kebbel physically)

Arielle Kebbel:
You see I did some digging around and found footage from the archives of Sullivan County BOCES and the Liberty High School 2002-2003 school year and in them a whole lot of feature a certain future Internet Reviewer by the name of James Faraci! (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
I knew this was coming, if you think I wasn’t expecting this, I’ve been waiting since Mara Wilson took on a Meshuginah Schmuck from Chicago for this moment! (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
Really? Ever since then? (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
Oh yeah! Let’s do it!

What Fresh Hell has Arielle Kebbel brought down upon me? Find out here