(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James moving his table to the backroom & lighting fixtures and Camera elsewhere)
Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): James? (Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)
Paulo Fonseca: Why are you moving out of your work office? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: My Work Office?! MY WORK OFFICE?! (James laughs psychotically) THAT PLACE IS NO LONGER MY WORK OFFICE! THAT IS MY MAIL ROOM! I’VE GOT TO MOVIE EVERYTHING THAT’S ESSENTIAL FROM WHERE I USED TO WORK INTO MY PERSONAL OFFICE TO MAKE IT BOTH MY PERSONAL AND WORK OFFICE!
(Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)
Rebecca Yaun: You’re just being silly. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: I wish I were, just come to the door to my mail room. (James opens the door before cutting to everyone else as a gigantic shadow engulfs the others as a flood of letters come crashing out of there before cutting to Olivia, Eliza and Traci as packages smack them around, Eric, John & Mike Santos are buried alive in a tsunami of letters, Renee Miller, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun try to shield one another as an avalanche of mail surround them as 04:12-05:08 of the William Tell Overture plays in the foreground. Before cutting to everyone’s heads popping out of the mound of mail)
Nick & Rebecca Yaun, John and Mike Santos (In unison): Let’s go again! Let’s go again!
Paulo Fonseca: Can I take a guess and say most of these are bills?
Traci Hines: Most of what I’m hearing is ticking! That’s not a good thing, is it?
Eliza Dushku: I’m sitting on something and I heard a click, something tells me that if I get up, we ALL GO BOOM!
Olivia Horvath: Well I’m hearing beeps so stay as far away from me as possible.
Eric Kurtzke: Tweets from Donald Trump saying you’re not funny and drop dead, Oh look, Fan mail. “Dear James” Ugh!
TLOTA: Let me guess, A steaming pile of Poop?
Eric Kurtzke: Bingo!
Renee Miller: Third notice on the electric bill! Fifth notice on the heating! Mafioso men who cannot be convicted are coming to kill you if you don’t pay for the water?! James where’s our mail?
TLOTA: Well fortunately I’ve set up another room for your mail. (A burst of air send everyone flying in different directions as Felix Twitch played by Nicholas Markin stands up in the middle of the maelstrom as “Getting Jiggy With It” audio sound-alike is heard before cutting to the others as they get their bearings)
TLOTA: WHO IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE ARE YOU?