James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

(Scene begins as a finger taps an app on a watch as it opens a portal the 1994 American Gladiators theme song plays , and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cuts to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans’” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a white background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James sitting in his office)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the mistakes that I have made have been that of my own and no one else’s. That’s right, I’m about to admit how big a dumbass I’ve been; every single little mistake I’ve made and every stupid little “What The Hell WAS I THINKING moment?” in my reviews and then I will have them shoved right up my ass. Then I’m getting tossed into an oven with a built-in rotisserie and just left to cook in my own juices at 375 Degrees Fahrenheit. In Short…(James taps the screen on his smartwatch, morphing him back to James Faraci)

James Faraci:
These are “The Ten Biggest G-D DAMN M—-RF—ING Mistakes I’ve made in the ten years of The Last Of The Americans” (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as he’s working and the first chorus of “Everything You Know Is Wrong By Weird Al Yankovic as dust and small amounts of debris are dropping down on James’ head. Halfway through the Chorus, James looks up and sees a ton of papers with all the mistakes he’s made looks up and waves Bye Bye as the weight crushes James, and the blood spatter writes out”The Ten Biggest G-D DAMN M—-RF—ING Mistakes I’ve made in the ten years of The Last Of The Americans”Get ready to see the biggest ten mistakes I’ve made as The Last Of The Americans.

(Scene begins as a finger as it taps an app on a smartwatch as it opens a portal and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand , and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans’” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James sitting in his office)

TLOTA:
Just a few more modifications and there, my smartwatch can be used as my Morpher and person-to-person communicator, and the phone will activate access to the inventory. (James looks up and sees the recording has begun) WHOOPS! Sorry. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome again to “The Different Cuts”!

(Whistling version “The Lumberjack Song” is heard as Team TLOTA dressed as Lumberjacks see a gigantic piece of film celluloid and James chops it down and the other members cut it to different lengths and on the ends sticking out of the back of the truck the words “The Different Cuts” are seen in differing syllables. Cut to the title card of “STAR WARS,” then cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1977, after “JAWS” brought thrilling action and adventure back to the big screen in 1975 and “Rocky” brought tales of human hope back to the big screen, a little movie called “Star Wars” was able to combine the elements and added fun, fantasy and a sense of wonder in film making. Then in 1980 after a three-year hiatus, George Lucas and his production company Lucasfilm brought us one of the greatest sequels ever “The Empire Strikes Back”, it was hard-hitting, ended on a downbeat cliffhanger, and had one of the greatest twists in all of cinema history. Reactions of this twist are some of the best videos on YouTube, and I admit I still tear up when Han Solo is frozen in Carbonite and schlepped to be a wall decoration for Jabba The Hutt! Then in 1983, George Lucas Lucasfilm gave his trilogy closure and a feeling of returning hope that good had conquered evil, a son redeemed his father, and generations of filmmakers would be inspired to make movies. Me included, even though I am having setbacks up the wazoo, I digress. In 1993 when Lucas’ effects house Industrial Light & Magic worked on Spielberg’s “Jurassic Park” movie. George Lucas decided to do some cleaning up on the effects and added in some scenes that he couldn’t have done during the time the movies were made and in 1997, twenty years after Star Wars, which was titled “Episode IV: A New Hope” in future showings on TV, Home Media and Theatrical releases, George Lucas unleashed “The Star Wars Special Edition Trilogy” as “Star Wars,” “The Empire Strikes Back,”and “Return Of The Jedi” was re-released with new visual effects and scenes and in further releases in the home market on DVD and Blu-Ray scenes have been further changed or re-edited and since then things have become (Show clip of Greedo say “McClaunkey” cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Exactly (Cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As for the original versions, according to George Lucas and the current owners of both Star Wars and Lucasfilms, they’re never seeing the light of day ever again unless you want to get them bootlegged through third-party sellers or pay whopper prices for VHS copies on eBay. But I digress today; we are looking into which of these is the superior cut. The Original Trilogy versus the continually changing current version of the Original Trilogy and see which version is better.

Which Cut is the Best Cut of The Star Wars Trilogy? Find out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome once again to “In Defense Of…(Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right-hand thumbs up and the words “In Defense Of…” before cutting to clips of “Hellboy” starring Ron Perlman and “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The first two “Hellboy” movies under the direction of Guillermo Del Toro were great Comic Book movies that told the tale of the demon Anung Un Rama AKA Hellboy, played by Ron Perlman, who works for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. It showed what it takes to keep our dimension safe from demons and other horrific creatures that want to destroy humanity and put themselves in charge of our planet. However, as much as fans loved these movies and they made money, it wasn’t enough for either production company to justify anything more than what happened. For years, people were hopeful that Guillermo Del Toro would somehow finish his trilogy. Instead, we got a reboot (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And the results were disastrous! Can I Possibly defend this movie?

In 2009, I took the title of The Last Of The Americans. In 2013, I decided to use that title to become an Internet Reviewer, and now, ten years in, it is time for me to face the movie I knew I eventually had to review “Man Of Steel”

(Scene begins as a hand as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans’” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome once again to Reality Checkout! (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to Chad Narducci’s office; he storms in and sees red as he hands Chad Narducci a bill from Amazon that James had to pay, and James looks to see what Chad had bought, which has James even Angrier, and he tosses all of the purchases which were Reality TV Series on DVD into the most disgusting trashcan, and James tosses in small amounts of Flammable liquids and tosses a grenade, and it explodes with the slime and remnants of the DVDs spelling out Reality Checkout as the theme from “Welcome Freshmen” plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let me say the following, I am a feminist; I support women, especially those who use their abilities and voices for the betterment of all. Those who use their abilities and voices for the betterment of themselves and then use what they have to act uncontrollably and make everyone’s life a nightmare, THEN I will go and give you the ration of shit you wish to serve everyone who doesn’t kowtow to you because guess what, YOU’RE NOT A QUEEN! YOU ARE THOSE ANNOYING NIGHTMARES THAT CAUSE MEN TO JUMP OFF THE GRAND CANYON! However, I will not call you by the popular term, partly due to the fact that the term is a certain person in my family with that name. Instead, I will call you what you are, KATE GOSSELINS!

Brace Yourself! I’m going for one WHOPPER OF a “K”! Help me please

(Scene begins as a hand as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans’” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James sitting and looking at a photo. Cut to the photo of the S Club 7 with Paul in Black and White. Cut to James as he looks at the photo and puts it down.)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I might as well address something that has been something I am dealing with. On April 6, 2023, lovers of what could be considered by today’s standards cheesy Millenium pop music got hit with a bolo punch to the stomach with the death of Paul Cattermole from S Club 7. (Cut to stills and concert footage of the S Club 7 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
His death couldn’t have come at a worse time. The S Club 7 were planning a twenty-fifth-anniversary reunion tour, and there were rumors of their old series and specials going onto a streaming service like Britbox or somewhere like that, and at the time of this review’s post, The S Club’s tour is apparently still on, as a tribute their fallen friend and band mate and I, for one of the few fans of the band here in the states, am glad to hear that. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now, if you’re wondering, I said, “One of the few fans of the band here in the States”, that’s because their music only charted once, stateside, but I will get to that later; internationally, they hit the charts with so many songs that would’ve gotten into the twenties, maybe the teens on the Billboard charts. But for the fans of the band here in the States, they were more well known for their TV series that basically led The Family Channel to where it is today.
Join me as I pay tribute to the S Club 7 and the TV Series they did at the link here

(Scene begins as a hand as it tapas the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans’” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a white background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. When it comes to those who deserve to be with the Upper Eschelon of Superheroes, It’s Power Rangers. (Cut to every SINGLE Power Rangers series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And they’re still here after 30 years of reinventions, having been canceled three times by Fox, Disney, and Nickelodeon, only to be given yet another life on Netflix! Power Rangers has definitely proven they will not be stopped. While yes, not EVERYTHING has been the Botanical Gardens behind the scenes, the franchise remained solid, especially after Saban sold the rights to Disney for a pretty penny, then Disney sold the franchise back to Saban for pennies on the dollar, then Saban sold it to Hasbro for as much as the franchise can get. The bottom line is that eventually, Power Rangers has survived so much and will survive the change of time. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And with their thirtieth anniversary having dropped on Netflix, now is the time to give it a look through

Join me as I look into a Thirty Year Anniversary and if The Power Rangers are “Once & Always” Morphinominal

TLOTA:
But the point is that we’re finally moving forward, especially with the (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca, Nick and Brenda saying, “OH NO!” Cut to James) Super (Cut to John Ross and Mike Santos saying “Here” Cut to James) Awesome (Cut to Andrew Beach and Ed Champion saying “We”. Cut to James) Cool (Cut to Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, & Olivia Horvath saying “Go”. Cut to James) New (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller & Chad Narducci saying “AGAIN!”. Cut to James) INTRO! (Cut to everyone pouncing and attacking James as the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans’” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to a basement apartment in Brooklyn as two brothers dressed in Mario and Luigi’s overalls played by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca as they prepare their TV and Internet to get connected and they wait for someone.)

Linguini (Played by Paulo Fonseca):
Hey-ey Tonio! So, when will that guy come and hook us up!

Tonio (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Relax Linguini, he’s coming (8-Bit footsteps are heard), As a matter of fact here he comes now. (Cut to the door at the top of funky looking stairs as canned applause is heard and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans enters through the door)

TLOTA:
Hey Paisanos, I got the device you needed for streaming. (Super Mario movement sounds are heard as James goes down the stairs and connects the device to the TV) There you are, now you’re ready to stream. What exactly will you guys be checking out first? (Cut to “Tonio” & “Linguini” as they look at each other and the scene cuts to the Screen showing The “Nintendo”/” Illumination” logos are shown then “The Super Mario Bros. Movie” as it then cuts to James, “Tonio” & “Linguini” in chairs as the three settles in to watch the movie.) Might as well hit this power up! (James punches up and a block is revealed, and the word “SPOILERS” is shown over James’ head)

Will this get the Borough of Brooklyn fighting mad or not?

(Camera turns on)

TLOTA:
James Faraci, Last Of The Americans, my opinions, possibly yours and those still out there. (James shows his handmade title card of a Nuclear explosion and the words “The End Of The World,” and James puts it on the desk.) YEAH! I’ve reached the end of the rope. Power is so limited that I must make this the quickest review I’ve ever done! In the nineteen sixties, there were enough Anti-Nuclear War and Post-Apocalyptic movies; the best one was “Planet Of The Apes,” which also happened to be a Sci-Fi movie. The audience and Producers wanted a sequel; the main star outside of the apes wanted nothing to do with it, compromises were made, a crazy plot, and the perfect ending for this type of movie. Let’s not waste time; this is “Beneath The Planet Of The Apes” (James puts the camera on the screen. James hits the play button.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with the ending and twist, moves on to another ship that crash landed as we meet with Taylor knock off Brent, played by James Franciscus. He meets with Nova as we see that Charleton Heston’s Taylor and Nova are traversing in the forbidden zone; as Taylor investigates some rocks that came out of nowhere, he disappears. Brent asks Nova to take him to Taylor. Instead, they go to Ape City as Gorilla General Ursus tells the crowd that the only good human is a dead one, and yes, the budget cuts are shown in most of the shots. One change that worked in the movie’s budget’s favor was that Roddy McDowall was unavailable to return as Cornelius; thus, they could hire a soundalike to play Cornelius. Cornelius and Zira find Brent and Nova and help Brent blend in. However, things go south as Gorillas and labeled Target Practice capture them. Escaping thanks to Zira. Brent and Nova make it to a cave where Brent realizes the same thing Taylor did, THIS IS EARTH, POST NUKES, AND POSTHUMAN STUPIDITY! As they go further, they discover the ultimate Doomsday Bomb and people that have mutated into skinless psychics that can control Brent to do anything they want. Soon after that, The Gorillas decide it’s time to make the humans in the Forbidden Zone extinct. Joining them for some odd reason is Dr. Zaius, who is an Orangutan. After some mind fuckery from the mutants, Brent finally meets Taylor; one of the mutants tries to use his mind controls to have Taylor and Brent slaughter one another. Nova surprisingly shouts Taylor’s name, breaking the mutant’s hold long enough to have Taylor and Brent kill the Mutant. Meanwhile, the Apes have found Mutant City, and they’re going on a slaughter that would make most of the massacres that used to happen when humans were around look meager in comparison. The head mutant raises the bomb as a Gorilla murders Nova; Brent and Taylor decide that today is the end of the world, and they’ll do it! Taylor is shot down; Brent murders Gorillas as Taylor begs Zaius to help end it all but decides to press the button as Brent is slaughtered, and BOOM! Earth has finally died! (James pulls the camera away to him)

TLOTA:
PERFECT ENDING TO WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING! WE KILLED EACH OTHER; WE DESERVE THOSE WHO WOULD SUCCEED US TO BE KILLED BY THE NEANDERTHAL! If I had more time to discuss the bizarre and crazy story, the topical moments about the young are trying to say “STOP! We must do better, bring out the truth, and end the madness! If you’re a fan of the Apes movies, you’ll enjoy this classic and this movie (Power Flickers again). GOD DAMN IT! THAT’S IT!

If this is the review, find out what happens afterwards!

What are some of the things you will miss when the bombs drop? Find out here and feel free to let me know what you’d miss in the Comment Section