James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

(The scene begins outside of a door, which leads to a phone ringing as James tumbles out to answer the phone in Black and White.)

TLOTA:
Hello? What? No, I just came off a 69-hour shift getting everything done for the end of 2023. I’m taking a day off to sleep. Why don’t you call Rowdy? Because I’m fucking tired! I don’t have the energy today. Okay, fine, Chad, I’ll be there by eight-thirty AM! Swear, I swear it. If I’m not, you can cancel the whole thing. That was your plan from Day one of joining me, wasn’t it? Just shut up, and I’ll be there. (James shuts off the phone as it cuts to a black screen with the words “The Last Of The Americans’ Kevin Smith Marathon” and the song “Clerks” by Love Among Freaks” plays throughout the foreground of the intro then cuts to James as he gets ready then cuts to the names on a black screen “James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun” on a black screen then cuts to James as he gets ready even further by having breakfast then cuts to the names “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” on a black screen then cutting to James getting his ride to his studio as he gets chewed out and walks out to the front of his studio then cuts to the names “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller & Olivia Horvath” on a black screen as it then cuts to James as he turns on the lights for another year of reviews then cuts to the words “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Olivia Horvath” on a black screen then cuts to James as he notices that he is out of newspapers and pays for a load with change at a newspaper dispenser and surprisingly gets the exact change back. Then finds his usual sign unavailable and makes one from Shoe Polish and a white tarpaulin, which he straps to the front of the building as it cuts to “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” on a black screen, then jumps to James feeling exhausted then cuts to “Written and Directed by James Faraci” on a black screen then cuts to the sign made by shoe polish saying “I assure you, we will get through 2024!” Then, cutting to the words “The Different Cuts of “CLERKS,” then cutting to James as he adjusts the camera to film in color.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And this year, we’re starting off with “The Different Cuts”

(Whistling version “The Lumberjack Song” is heard as the scene cuts to Team TLOTA dressed as Lumberjacks see a gigantic piece of film celluloid and James chops it down and the other members cut it to different lengths and on the ends sticking out of the back of the truck the words “The Different Cuts” are seen in differing syllables. as it cuts to clips of “CLERKS” and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
When it comes to it, “CLERKS” is that Great American independent film. It was made on the budget of, I’d have to say, three months’ worth of groceries by today’s standards. And there’s a charm to it. I’ve loved this film since I first saw it. It made me believe That I could become a filmmaker, and given everything I’ve been through, it’s clear that it’s not happening in this lifetime. However, the version we saw was basically the edited version. And the version Kevin Smith originally directed was shown once, and someone there said to a monstrous piece of shit, “With some edits, we got ourselves a hit!” and it is to this day. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
However, because he did release those scenes as deleted scenes on the DVD, and then for the tenth anniversary DVD and Blu-ray home market releases, the original cut is also available with the theatrical cut as well as subsequent releases on the home market, which makes it worthy of “The Different Cuts.”

Which Cut Deserves to be here?

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are yours, this time. Believe it or not, I have been reviewing non-stop for the past ten years, only giving lip service to what you have been talking about. This time, I will not only have full testimonials from the people involved, but there will be behind-the-scenes moments, bloopers, and alternate takes that I had done, and all of these episodes I will be talking about have been chosen by all of you. From 2013 to 2023, these are the Ten best Reviews of The Last Of The Americans…(So Far)

“It’s the first day of Winter, and you know what that means. It’s time for the ten best reviews as you requested. The Ten Best The Last Of The Americans (So Far) Check out the link below” is what I would normally say. But today I ask you not to check it out.

(Scene begins with a finger tap on a smartwatch as the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci landing in Santa’s sleigh and entirely morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Christmas mode with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with Christmas Trees on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James and Santa riding with the 12th Doctor and Clara at the 0:13 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the two run after the Grinch before cutting to John and Mike Santos baking cookies before cutting to the 0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo & Brenda Fonseca popping in A Muppets Christmas Special on a player before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion, Andrew Beach and Olivia Horvath decorating as it cuts to the doors outside of James’ space and time machine as the 0:28 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James stands on top of his Time and Space device and tosses a candy cane then cuts over to multiple clips from the past ten years of “The Last Of The Americans” Christmas reviews/top 12s as the Candy Cane flips end over end as the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses dressed in Christmas Garb on a white background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before all while snow and jingling bells are heard and seen in the foreground. Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and it’s December, I got my Santa hat on, and my list of gifts is budgeted at $100.00, which will be stretching every last penny. The is “The Last Of The Americans Holiday Gift Guide” for 2023 AND (James taps on the smartwatch screen and becomes James Faraci)

James Faraci:
The Top Five moments of The Last Of The Americans from 2023 is a reason it’s a top five because, later this month, we will be going over TEN years’ worth of the best reviews from The Last Of The Americans as chosen by you guys. So, let’s start off the top five moments of The Last Of The Americans in 2023.

Christmas time is almost upon us again, and a secondary gift in this is A Top Five Best of The Last Of The Americans of 2023. Check it out here

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well, if the past few years of me talking about MST3K have been any indication, then you know who I will talk about since I’ve talked about Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank and Joel Hodgson, AKA Joel Robinson. So let’s meet the man who came in clutch to keep the series going when Joel escaped from the Sattelite Of Love. (Show the clip of Dr. Forrester shouting, “WHAT?! JOEL ESCAPED FROM THE SATELLITE OF LOVE?!” Cut to the MST3K episodes featuring Michael J Nelson as “Mike Nelson” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes, folks, after Joel Hodgson volunteered to step away from the series he started, Lone showrunner Jim Mallon had to find someone to come in clutch and keep The Satellite Of Love running and, by extension, keep Mystery Science Theater 3000 alive. Thankfully, the show had a good enough head writer in the form of Michael J. Nelson. He played Mike Nelson, a temp employee who was at what could be considered either The right place at the right time, the wrong place at the wrong time, the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time, either or works in this case. While it took him most of the rest of season five to get his sea legs, when he did, there was NO stopping him, not having the show canceled at Comedy Central, not losing Frank Conniff and Trace Beaulieu, not having the ONLY movie the Best Brains team fail at the box office only to gain the Cult Status, not only seeing the revival at the SciFi Channel be knocked down a peg when Barry Diller basically put the kibosh on it after three seasons, he was solid as a rock! After a ten-year run, he kept everything going until the end of the series. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s celebrate the man that the fans liked, just not the Mads or Barry Diller; this is the top ten best Mike Nelson moments on MST3K.

Join me as I celebrate the man who came in clutch to rescue the Satellite of Love

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and these are, of course, Rowdy, Alex, and this lovely lady at the end is Miranda Ellis, last seen on my Law & Order Special Victims Unit Season 21-24 review, and since it’s November, It’s Thanksgiving time so guess what, it is time to cook us a Turkey and guess who’s helping (Joshua Weismann and Uncle Roger played by Nigel Ng pop jump cut in)

Joshua Weismann:
Hello!

Uncle Roger:
Fuuiyooo! (Cut to James as he walks to the two of them)

TLOTA:
Hi, what’s going on? (Cut to Uncle Roger and Joshua Weismann)

Uncle Roger:
Uncle Joshua wanted to teach me how to cook a turkey, which I need to do to find new Auntie.

Joshua Weismann:
That and Chad Narducci invited us because I have actual restaurant cooking experience. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Hiiiyaah! (Cut to Uncle Roger)

Uncle Roger:
So you are fan of mine. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yep, but now you will learn from a master who taught me. Alton Brown!

Join Rowdy, Miranda, Alex, Joshua Weissman, Uncle Roger and me as we cook Alton Brown’s stuffed and Fried Turkey recipes. Join me in the fun right here.

(Opening begins outside of a trailer as bluegrass country music is heard and on a screen is the Manic-Expression.com logo as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in Halloween Mode pops out of the trailer.)

TLOTA:
You know a lot of people e-mail me and say “Hey James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, just what is Monster-tober?” (Swipe cut to James in a lab coat and Julia Alexa Miller is sitting at a school desk)

TLOTA (Singing):
We won’t need some special glasses or an English dub! (Cut to images of scary movies James has reviewed on a screen and James and Julia Alexa Miller look) Just a healthy love of film and disrespect for the dumb! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Brenda Fonseca, and Rebecca Yaun as they sit on the horseshoe couch) We’ll talk about some movies on these sites! (Julia Alexa Miller and Olivia Horvath point up to Manic-Expression.com and Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca point down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com as it cuts to James popping up behind them as they cover their eyes) And when you get a creepy feeling creeping up inside, well then you’re in “Monster-tober” (The four of them reveal they’ve got cat’s eyes) it’s a heck of a ride! (Cut to James and the four of them dressed in Leopard print with different musical instruments) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to images of James fighting off Michael Myers then cut to James dressed in his Halloween mode and faux animal fur pounding on a drum with two turkey leg bones) These monster movie reviews serve the primitive drive, that watching people die will make you feel alive! (Cut to James as he sets up the review to be seen by the four) Quit looking for the porn now, the review’s begun. Because there’s only so much we can do until the rise of the sun as watching reviews of monster movies on these sites. (James points up to Manic-Expression.com and points down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com it looks like a monster is about to attack James as James Donkey kicks it down a chute.) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca sounding masculine as they sing “Setting the Scares up for Halloween night” as it cuts to everyone in the reviewerverse fighting the Cullens, the Werewolves and Volturi, then cuts to James relaxing on a gaming chair with a bottle of water in the cup holder) Setting the scares up for Halloween night. (Cut to an image of the word “Monster-tober” on the screen then cut to black then cut to James in Halloween mode in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And after sitting what I sat through, I think anyone who watches Chevy Chase films outside of his late 1970s through the 1980s is out of their fucking minds! That’s what I’m thinking, I swear between stories of him being an asshole and how many people can’t stand him, I’m surprised Hollywood didn’t give him the boot earlier in his god damned career and told him never to come back! Well, I’ll tell you right now, after watching the movie I just did is not a comedy, it’s a quest, it’s a quest to find something funny with him! I might not succeed, and you might not succeed. You might fail so miserably that you’ll need God-damned Plastic Surgery to put a smile on your fucking faces! You’re going to need to shove a copy of Zip-A-Dee-Doodah up your asshole just so you can smile! (Laughs manically for two seconds) I must be crazy, I just sat through Chevy Chase in a comedic take of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” with Dan Aykroyd and John Candy! PRAISE DAN AYKROYD AND JOHN CANDY! HOLY SHIT! (A knock on the door as Julia Alexa Miller cautiously walks towards James.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I know you and the rest of the team are exhausted, but why don’t you let me relax you with a massage after this review. (Julia Alexa Miller places her hand on James’ shoulder) Sounds good?

TLOTA:
Sounds perfect but for now, DON’T TOUCH!

TLOTA:
As a matter of fact, after looking at what happened to the people in “MR. BONESTRIPPER” and how the meat in the hot dogs look… (James looks around and thinks and concludes.) OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH…MY…GOD! (James begins to puke as he Speed force runs to the bathroom and begins to vomit uncontrollably. Cut to everyone outside the bathroom.)

Chad Narducci:
What’s going on?

Paulo Fonseca:
Maybe it’s something he’s seen?

John Ross Santos:
Let’s check out what he watched. (Cut to Team TLOTA as they watch “Nothing But Trouble.” Cut to a black screen and the words “43 Minutes Later” as everyone runs to the bathroom to join James in a musical vomit that sounds like “Timothy” by The Buoys.)

Brace yourself for the movie that will make you swear off Hot Dogs for good

(Opening begins outside of a trailer as bluegrass country music is heard, and on a screen is the Manic-Expression.com logo as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in Halloween Mode pops out of the trailer.)

TLOTA:
You know a lot of people e-mail me and say, “Hey James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, just what is Monster-tober?” (Swipe cut to James in a lab coat and Julia Alexa Miller is sitting at a school desk)

TLOTA (Singing):
We won’t need some special glasses or an English dub! (Cut to images of scary movies James has reviewed on a screen and James and Julia Alexa Miller look) Just a healthy love of film and disrespect for the dumb! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Brenda Fonseca, and Rebecca Yaun as they sit on the horseshoe couch) We’ll talk about some movies on these sites! (Julia Alexa Miller and Olivia Horvath point up to Manic-Expression.com and Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca point down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com as it cuts to James popping up behind them as they cover their eyes) And when you get a creepy feeling creeping up inside, well then you’re in “Monster-tober” (The four of them reveal they’ve got cat’s eyes) it’s a heck of a ride! (Cut to James and the four of them dressed in Leopard print with different musical instruments) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to images of James fighting off Michael Myers then cut to James dressed in his Halloween mode and faux animal fur pounding on a drum with two turkey leg bones) These monster movie reviews serve the primitive drive, that watching people die will make you feel alive! (Cut to James as he sets up the review to be seen by the four) Quit looking for the porn now, the review’s begun. Because there’s only so much we can do until the rise of the sun as watching reviews of monster movies on these sites. (James points up to Manic-Expression.com and points down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com it looks like a monster is about to attack James as James Donkey kicks it down a chute.) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca sounding masculine as they sing “Setting the Scares up for Halloween night” as it cuts to everyone in the reviewerverse fighting the Cullens, the Werewolves and Volturi, then cuts to James relaxing on a gaming chair with a bottle of water in the cup holder) Setting the scares up for Halloween night. (Cut to an image of the word “Monster-tober” on the screen then cut to black then cut to James in Halloween mode in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and (A mystical voice played by Eliza Hanson saying, “Don’t forget I’m here”) The Maven of The Eventide is back one more time to irritate me. At the same time, as I work on “Monster-tober!” Yeah, it took me a decade to finally give my October workload a name, but yes, Welcome to “Monster-tober.” (James does a Staccato laugh before static cuts to The Maven Of The Eventide.)

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Seriously? “Monster-tober?” I thought you would’ve gone with something more American-based like “Ameri-ween.” (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Believe it or not, I had tested that, and apparently, people liked “Monster-tober” better. And I’m not against the idea of me asking for help when I need it. Now, that being said, let’s talk about Renfield! (Cut to images of “Renfield” from popular culture as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
For many people, when they think of Horror Sidekicks, you generally have your Fritzs, your Igors, and the like. For me, there’s only one Renfield. He started off just sane and determined to get Carfax Abbey into the hands of Transylvanian Count Dracula. He ultimately winds up serving Dracula, living off insects and acting as his familiar. Basically, serving people to Dracula like a smorgasbord until Dracula leaves him crumpled up like a used piece of Toilet Paper. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

The Maven Of The Eventide:
So, of course, he’d make a great character to make a movie about! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Hey, That’s My Line!

Monster-tober kick starts with the Servant of Nicholas Cage’s Dracula. Check out the madness here

(Scene begins with a black background as words start to come to light, saying “The Last Of The Americans” and a voiceover done by James Faraci saying, “In the Internet Reviewer community, The people who review are expressing opinions based on what they have seen and experienced, and there are those with similar opinions, This is one of their voices.” Clanging noises are heard, and fade cut into The Studio where James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, works as James Faraci walks in dressed as a Detective and Eric Kurtzke as a Police Inspector)

Det. Faraci (Played by James Faraci):
Detective Faraci and Inspector Kurtzke, What have we got? (Cut to the Forensic Scientist played by Brenda Fonseca)

The Forensic Scientist:
One suicide, mass murder.

Insp. Kurtzke (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Let’s check out what they watched and search for the 9 MM. Handgun.

Det. Faraci:
How do you know it’s a 9 MM.?

Insp. Kurtzke:
Judging by the trajectory and entry wound through the heads, a noticeable amount of how quickly they dropped, I would have to say it was a 9 MM round that was modified to take out five out of the six in one shot. The Shooter then turned the gun on himself based on the blood spatter, and the trajectory of the final bullet was upwards as opposed towards the outside wall. (The CSI team turns on the TV as the head of the team, played by Ed Champion, shouts for Inspector Kurtzke and Detective Faraci. Everyone watches and then looks away in horror and disgust.)

Det. Faraci:
Turn that TV off! No wonder this happened. The pandering to its audience was a possible reason for the mental trauma of the victims and the gunman.

Inspector Kurtzke:
It is a possible and plausible justifiable on this one. SHUT THAT TV OFF NOW!

(Fade to black Cut to “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” style opening credits with shots of Sullivan County with credits reading “Starring James Faraci,” “Paulo Fonseca,” “Rebecca Yaun,” “John Santos,” “Mike Santos,” “Nick Yaun,” “Renee Miller,” “Olivia Horvath,” “Ed Champion,” “Andrew Beach” with the performers doing standing poses with the last shot being the Monticello NY Government Building. Cut to the Logo of “The Last Of The Americans” in Law & Order style text. Cut to James and Team TLOTA standing in the Main Lobby. Cut to the Neversink Reservoir as the words “Written by James Faraci” while a soundalike to the “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” main theme. Fade to black and cut to James in his office taking off his Detective garb and his usual clothing)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to the Opening Credit scene of “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” then clips of seasons 21-24 “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” play as the “Law & Order: SVU” theme song plays in the foreground James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The last time I reviewed “Law and Order: SVU,” The series was on solid ground. Then the past few seasons happened, and now it’s safe to say the series has started to go off the rails and is barely keeping it together. But besides the usual duct tape and the little glue holding what’s left of the series together. But is what’s happening now a product of the loss of intelligence of the human race, or is it just pandering to the lowest denominator of human intelligence to get the best ratings in a world where terrestrial TV viewings are being supplanted by how many times it’s being streamed and how many people are watching it streaming?

What is keeping SVU together at this point? What is going on with where James is and how does it all tie together? Find out here

(Scene begins as a finger taps on a smartwatch as the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts as it taps the app as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by Chris Lee Moore and James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to a chair as James says, “This is the only way this is going to work! Just trust me!” as James makes it to the chair.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours! Well, if the countless Smoke signals, letters, e-mails, Facebook comments, tweets, Instagram posts, Snapchats, Reddits, Tumblrs, and Tiktoks are something to notice, then fine, I am finally giving everyone what they want! And what they want is this… (Cut to the 1990s “Baywatch” tv series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA:
In 1989, a few years after “Knight Rider” was canceled by NBC, David Hasselhoff was given a chance to star in another series called “Baywatch,” which was created by former Lifeguard Gregory J. Bonann, Michael Berk, and Douglas Schwartz (And yes, he is a nephew to the late Sherwood Schwartz). The series did well in the ratings even with network tampering and one cast member’s displeasure with the series. However, after one season, it was canceled by NBC, partly due to the financier having gone bankrupt! After purchasing the show back for pennies on the dollar, in 1991, Baywatch became a first-syndication success, reaching ONE BILLION VIEWERS WORLDWIDE! But by the end of the 1990s, after many cast changes and a budget that was out of control, Baywatch ended its nine-year syndication run with a whimper. However, the syndication financiers wanted to milk the cow just a little more, which gave us two spinoffs both with Hasselhoff, Baywatch Nights, which lasted two seasons, and Baywatch Hawaii, which itself lasted two seasons with Hasselhoff jumping ship at the end of the first season. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And while yes, the series was ridiculed as nothing more than Soft-Soft-Soft-Soft-Soft core adult entertainment, and with Allison Pregler reminding us of how damned ridiculous the series was, I can say that it’s better than what I just sat through! (Cut to the “Baywatch” movie title card, then to the movie clips as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
OY VEY! If this was meant to be a silly romp like “Police Academy” was in the 1980s, it failed; if it was meant to be a satirical look at the series like how Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and Snoop Dogg did with “Starsky And Hutch” it failed if it was meant to be taken seriously, it failed so hard that it is in Pre-School at 50 as a STUDENT! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But let’s not take my word for it; let’s watch and be tormented by this TNA Nightmare! This is… (Rowdy Jeanie blinks/Jumps in)

Rowdy:
FREEDOM!!!

TLOTA:
Rowdy? Don’t I keep telling you to give an advanced warning before you pop in like that?

Rowdy:
Cut me some slack! Jeannie just up and decided to host her family reunion in my tent! Trust me, you do NOT want to see what happens when a clan of djinn starts talking politics!

TLOTA:
Fine, you can stay here; I could probably use backup on this review.

Rowdy:
Fine by me. What is this again?

What fresh hell is about to be unleashed by what Rowdy and myself? Find out here:

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and welcome to another edition of “Connect The Plots” (Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of “Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers” & “Halloween: H20”, All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the “Wolverine” & “Deadpool” movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings “Connect The Plots La-La-La!” before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words “Connect The Plots” before cutting to clips of The “Final Destination” movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The Final Destination movies, while anthological in how the stories are told, tell the same story and have a loose connection outside of kids and adults eventually meeting their demise. Throughout all the movies and the stories they tell, I found that connection. One number is the turning point, whether you see it in the film or how it happens with the characters; that number is essential to everything. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And the number is 180! Now what is it about 180 that is important?

What is the significance of 180 in The Final Destination Movies? Find out Right here

(Scene begins as a finger as it taps an app on a smartwatch as it opens a portal and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand , and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans’” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in an American Flag Hawaiian Shirt and Carpenter Shorts and Team TLOTA in Orlando, FL as they enjoy a long overdue vacation and time at Walt Disney World as James stands at the statue of Mickey and Walt Disney)

TLOTA (Shouting):
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and we’re here at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida! (The Crowd cheers as everyone celebrates as it cuts to some of the best places and times to take Photos, and James even gets everyone Mouse Ears! Julia Alexa Miller says, “I look ridiculous,” as she wears her mouse ears and everyone takes pictures on the rides they ride on. James and everyone go to the Little Mermaid ride, and as James sits there, James is in deep thought. The Scene cuts to James at a pool soaking his feet in the water as someone pops up and says, “Hi” James, in shock, falls into the pool! James pulls himself out of the pool.)

TLOTA:
Sorry, I was just thinking about my next review, which is kind of ridiculous, especially when right now I’m on Vacation away from my review work. (James sits next to the Person who popped into the pool.)

The Person who popped up into the pool:
That’s okay; I surprise humans every day. I’m a mermaid; my Name’s Crosslyn.

TLOTA:
I’m an internet reviewer, James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. Just call me James; it will be much easier for you and me.

Mermaid Crosslyn:
Okay, James, sorry again for surprising you. (Angle cuts to James looking over his right shoulder)

TLOTA:
That’s Okay. I was preoccupied with, again my next review. A part of me wants to talk about the 2023 Live Action Disney Little Mermaid movie, and basically, I thought to myself, what is there to talk about? Halle Berry as Ariel? She was good as Ariel. The music? So, they added songs from both the Broadway Musical version and those not in the 1989 Animated Classic, Big Whoop. The Special effects on how they made Ariel and that undersea world look realistic, okay, admittedly, it would’ve been a whinge and a cringe if they were to digitally add the faces talking. At the same time, they did the physical moments with the cast underwater. I mean, they did a similar job of showing the characters underwater in a digital setting in “Avatar: The Way Of Water,” The rest of the cast? Javier Bardem as Triton was perfect casting, Melissa McCarthy as Ursula? Oy gevalt! Awkwafina as Scuttle and the rest of the cast do a fine job of playing their characters. The plot? Look at the 1989 movie and you can get it in fifteen minutes. Did I like it? Yeah. Boom Shortest review I ever did. Even shorter than when I talked about “Beneath the Planet Of The Apes”! (Sighs. Angle cuts to James and Mermaid Crosslyn as if the camera was face forward on the two) I just wanted to take it easy and if I were to talk about a live-action Disney Little Mermaid project that was fun to watch and everyone loved. The Broadway version of Disney’s The Little Mermaid lasted about 600 plus performances before the final curtain fell. So, what’s left?

What Disney live action Little Mermaid project is as good if not better than the 2023 movie? Find out here