(Scene begins as a finger taps on a smartwatch as the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts as it taps the app as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by Chris Lee Moore and James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to a chair as James says, “This is the only way this is going to work! Just trust me!” as James makes it to the chair.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours! Well, if the countless Smoke signals, letters, e-mails, Facebook comments, tweets, Instagram posts, Snapchats, Reddits, Tumblrs, and Tiktoks are something to notice, then fine, I am finally giving everyone what they want! And what they want is this… (Cut to the 1990s “Baywatch” tv series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA:
In 1989, a few years after “Knight Rider” was canceled by NBC, David Hasselhoff was given a chance to star in another series called “Baywatch,” which was created by former Lifeguard Gregory J. Bonann, Michael Berk, and Douglas Schwartz (And yes, he is a nephew to the late Sherwood Schwartz). The series did well in the ratings even with network tampering and one cast member’s displeasure with the series. However, after one season, it was canceled by NBC, partly due to the financier having gone bankrupt! After purchasing the show back for pennies on the dollar, in 1991, Baywatch became a first-syndication success, reaching ONE BILLION VIEWERS WORLDWIDE! But by the end of the 1990s, after many cast changes and a budget that was out of control, Baywatch ended its nine-year syndication run with a whimper. However, the syndication financiers wanted to milk the cow just a little more, which gave us two spinoffs both with Hasselhoff, Baywatch Nights, which lasted two seasons, and Baywatch Hawaii, which itself lasted two seasons with Hasselhoff jumping ship at the end of the first season. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And while yes, the series was ridiculed as nothing more than Soft-Soft-Soft-Soft-Soft core adult entertainment, and with Allison Pregler reminding us of how damned ridiculous the series was, I can say that it’s better than what I just sat through! (Cut to the “Baywatch” movie title card, then to the movie clips as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
OY VEY! If this was meant to be a silly romp like “Police Academy” was in the 1980s, it failed; if it was meant to be a satirical look at the series like how Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and Snoop Dogg did with “Starsky And Hutch” it failed if it was meant to be taken seriously, it failed so hard that it is in Pre-School at 50 as a STUDENT! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But let’s not take my word for it; let’s watch and be tormented by this TNA Nightmare! This is… (Rowdy Jeanie blinks/Jumps in)

Rowdy:
FREEDOM!!!

TLOTA:
Rowdy? Don’t I keep telling you to give an advanced warning before you pop in like that?

Rowdy:
Cut me some slack! Jeannie just up and decided to host her family reunion in my tent! Trust me, you do NOT want to see what happens when a clan of djinn starts talking politics!

TLOTA:
Fine, you can stay here; I could probably use backup on this review.

Rowdy:
Fine by me. What is this again?

What fresh hell is about to be unleashed by what Rowdy and myself? Find out here:

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