(Opening begins outside of a trailer as bluegrass country music is heard and on a screen is the Manic-Expression.com logo as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in Halloween Mode pops out of the trailer.)
You know a lot of people e-mail me and say “Hey James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, just what is Monster-tober?” (Swipe cut to James in a lab coat and Julia Alexa Miller is sitting at a school desk)
We won’t need some special glasses or an English dub! (Cut to images of scary movies James has reviewed on a screen and James and Julia Alexa Miller look) Just a healthy love of film and disrespect for the dumb! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Brenda Fonseca, and Rebecca Yaun as they sit on the horseshoe couch) We’ll talk about some movies on these sites! (Julia Alexa Miller and Olivia Horvath point up to Manic-Expression.com and Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca point down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com as it cuts to James popping up behind them as they cover their eyes) And when you get a creepy feeling creeping up inside, well then you’re in “Monster-tober” (The four of them reveal they’ve got cat’s eyes) it’s a heck of a ride! (Cut to James and the four of them dressed in Leopard print with different musical instruments) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to images of James fighting off Michael Myers then cut to James dressed in his Halloween mode and faux animal fur pounding on a drum with two turkey leg bones) These monster movie reviews serve the primitive drive, that watching people die will make you feel alive! (Cut to James as he sets up the review to be seen by the four) Quit looking for the porn now, the review’s begun. Because there’s only so much we can do until the rise of the sun as watching reviews of monster movies on these sites. (James points up to Manic-Expression.com and points down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com it looks like a monster is about to attack James as James Donkey kicks it down a chute.) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca sounding masculine as they sing “Setting the Scares up for Halloween night” as it cuts to everyone in the reviewerverse fighting the Cullens, the Werewolves and Volturi, then cuts to James relaxing on a gaming chair with a bottle of water in the cup holder) Setting the scares up for Halloween night. (Cut to an image of the word “Monster-tober” on the screen then cut to black then cut to James in Halloween mode in his office.)
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And after sitting what I sat through, I think anyone who watches Chevy Chase films outside of his late 1970s through the 1980s is out of their fucking minds! That’s what I’m thinking, I swear between stories of him being an asshole and how many people can’t stand him, I’m surprised Hollywood didn’t give him the boot earlier in his god damned career and told him never to come back! Well, I’ll tell you right now, after watching the movie I just did is not a comedy, it’s a quest, it’s a quest to find something funny with him! I might not succeed, and you might not succeed. You might fail so miserably that you’ll need God-damned Plastic Surgery to put a smile on your fucking faces! You’re going to need to shove a copy of Zip-A-Dee-Doodah up your asshole just so you can smile! (Laughs manically for two seconds) I must be crazy, I just sat through Chevy Chase in a comedic take of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” with Dan Aykroyd and John Candy! PRAISE DAN AYKROYD AND JOHN CANDY! HOLY SHIT! (A knock on the door as Julia Alexa Miller cautiously walks towards James.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I know you and the rest of the team are exhausted, but why don’t you let me relax you with a massage after this review. (Julia Alexa Miller places her hand on James’ shoulder) Sounds good?
Sounds perfect but for now, DON’T TOUCH!
As a matter of fact, after looking at what happened to the people in “MR. BONESTRIPPER” and how the meat in the hot dogs look… (James looks around and thinks and concludes.) OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH…MY…GOD! (James begins to puke as he Speed force runs to the bathroom and begins to vomit uncontrollably. Cut to everyone outside the bathroom.)
What’s going on?
Maybe it’s something he’s seen?
John Ross Santos:
Let’s check out what he watched. (Cut to Team TLOTA as they watch “Nothing But Trouble.” Cut to a black screen and the words “43 Minutes Later” as everyone runs to the bathroom to join James in a musical vomit that sounds like “Timothy” by The Buoys.)