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That word, Rachel couldn’t stop thinking about that word. She despised that word. And yet here it was staring back at her as someone called her that word. She felt a tinge of hopelessness and despair as she looked at the word. Rachel then did the only thing she could think of, she curled her hand into a fist and started hitting her head believing that would erase the word.

It was at this moment, Cassie walked in on her little sister and saw what was happening, “Rachel, why are you hitting yourself? This isn’t like you, please stop”. Cassie asked showing concern for her younger sister but Rachel was too upset to speak and instead show Cassie her tablet and how someone had called her that word.

“Ah I see, Rachel you aren’t that. You are a sweet and kind young lady. You are also very smart and I don’t want you to ever forget that. You are not what this person says  you are!” Cassie reassured her little sister as she grabbed Rachel’s favorite plushie, her cat, Diana.

“But what if they’re right?” Rachel asked her big sister now squeezing Diana to death. Rachel was used to bullying as it was sadly part of her everyday life but to see someone call her that word was a new blow to her courage.

“They aren’t and if anyone ever calls you that again, I’ll beat them up. That’s what an older sister does and don’t forget it”. Cassie reassured her distraught sister. She could see that Rachel was still hurting and that’s when she had an idea.

“Why don’t I sleep in here with you and we can build a plushie fort, they’ll protect you from seeing that word”. Cassie suggested but Rachel wasn’t sure.

“If I close my eyes, I’m just going to see that word again and I just want it to leave me alone. I’m not dumb or…” Rachel started to say but her older sister cut her off.

“Saying that word will give it power and you need to show it that you are more powerful. Think of it like a piece of trash. Just throw it away”. As Cassie said this, that word started to fade from Rachel’s mind and she was slowly feeling more like herself.

“Cassie, can we build that plushie fort and have Sir Bearstoff guard the fort?” Cassie just smiled as she saw her little sister get her sparkle back as Cassie placed her sister’s teddy bear out front to guard her from that word.

Content warning: suicide is discussed in this story

“I don’t know what to do with you, Cassie. This is the third call I’ve gotten from your school about skipping, what is going on?” Rachel listened intently as her mother laid into her older sister.  Cassie had a lot going in her life and just wished her mother would leave her alone instead of prying for every little detail.

“God mom, I’m fucking fine. There is nothing going on. You don’t need to worry about me, I’m not Rachel y’know”. Rachel’s heart shattered as her big sister, her idol said that. Cassie had always come to Rachel’s defense like when a bully posted a video of her having a seizure. This wasn’t the Cassie she knew.

“Do you want to explain to me why your cousin Elaine called and said you stole money from The Iced Duck young lady? Rachel was starting to realize that was why Cassie had given her and their cousin Annie money to distract them as she took the money. In that moment, Rachel noticed her sister was starting to turn red as her mother interrogated her more and more. Cassie had no rebuttal to her mother.

“Cassie, I just don’t want you to cross a line you can’t come back from. Skipping and stealing is not like you”. Rachel had to agree with their mother as the Cassie she knew was a strong willed woman who’d punch any fool that made fun of her family. She knew Cassie wanted to do that to her best friend’s music teacher.

“Mom, I told you I’m fine, there is nothing going on that you need to worry about. Just because Stella moved away and waited until the last minute that “oh by the way your girlfriend is moving out of county for her final year of high school”. Rachel saw tears starting to form in her sister’s eyes as she said that last part. She had no idea how hurt Rachel was by losing Stella. That’s when she noticed a crumpled up of paper on the floor next to Cassie and scooped it up.

Rachel uncrumpled the note and started to read it, “I have nothing. There’s nothing here for me. I’ve already lost everything so why not lose one more thing. No one will miss me as there’s nothing left of me to miss”. It instantly clicked in Rachel’s mind why her older sister was so upset and gave her the biggest bear hug her young body could muster.

“Oh baby, that’s not true. We love you and I’m going to get you the help that you need. Your sister and I will always be here for you”. Cassie’s mom tried to reassure her. Cassie wanted to believe her but was so visibly shaken as she broke down sobbing on her knees.

******* A Few Months Later *******

Cassie had started to see a therapist after that day and things were better, not good but better. She still had lingering thoughts of ending her life from time to time. But she always looked for the good when those thoughts appeared like right now helping Rachel get ready for her first date.

“You don’t think this is too much, Cass?” Rachel asked her older sister as Cassie helped her put on a sun and moon necklace.

“Not at all, you look great. And just remember if he treats you wrong, call me”. Cassie reminded her sister as she settled down to write out her feelings as her therapist had suggested.