Do I Really Have 321 Friends?
I’m hip. I’m with it. I am down with the funky cats in the jazziest of places. (Clearly not, but the good news is that I don’t care that I am not.) Given this clearly stated fact not contradicted by immediate ellipses statement, I know that social media is the way to fit in with all the rest of the cool kids. However, I just can’t get on board with all this stuff. Every one of these social websites has its own quirks and style. They are like a car salesman trying to get us to spend an extra four grand for the “moon roof.” (What is the difference between a moon roof and sun roof? Are they both just a damned hole in the roof of your car?) Either way, this is how I seem the majority of social media sites.

Myspace-No, I am screwing with. No one remembers Myspace.

Facebook-Here we have the top salesmen of the bunch. This guy is portly, aging, and doesn’t seem like much at first glance, but he can sell to anybody. He is charming and can be a bit overbearing, but is usually smart enough to pull it back. His time as the top dog is clearly close to over because Facebook, but internet standards, is the old man. This fat fuck has no problem reminding all his competitors that he is the best. He tries to be clever, but just comes off as a bully with all the power and an obnoxious way of reminding everyone.

Honestly, I do have a couple Facebook accounts. I have my main one and an entertainment one for BigBlackHatMan. However, I confess to rarely pacing through the various topics and posts that people feel the need to share with the whole world such as how various things are fun, shitty or… That may be all the options. I do wish friends happy birthday and play games that I attempt to invite no one too unless I know for fact they play the game. I have Facebook, but I try not to let it dominate my life.

Twitter-This salesman is also solid, but it is a quick hitter. This guy runs up to you and tries to sell you fast. If he doesn’t right off the bat, the bastard will change directions or walk away all together. He has a lot of energy, but never says anything of substance. He only says the occasional wild thing that will get people talking, but it goes away just as fast. Really, his strategy is to hit up as many customers as possible and reel in a few by sheer odds.

I do have a Twitter account. I don’t use it anymore. I have often thought I should go back and see what the various celebrities and other folks have fun thoughts about it, but I just can’t get myself to give a shit. It amuses me for five minutes or so and then I can forget about it for a week or better. (Or better has been about three months lately.) I still communicate with friends here and there, but that is it for this media site.
Tumbler-This one has skill. She can sell and convince you something is cool, but there is just something about her. Not everyone is going to like her. (See me use both genders to prove how fair I am. I am so god damned nice.) People who are on her side will not waste any time telling you how great she is and the only one to go to for all your sales needs. Than you meet the other side who use pointless insults to expression irritation with someone they just don’t like. Moderation never seems to be the opinion here.

This is where I drew the line. I couldn’t think of posting anything there that would improve my life in any way, shape or form. I blog, I do videos, and that seems like more than enough. Does anyone really need more Mark Nicholson? Jesus, even I don’t.

Instagram/Snapchat-This is the flashiest of the group. The first is more solid than the latter, but both are really to serve the ADD crowd who don’t really feel the need to find out about the car they are buying. It looks good. Who cares if there is no engine under the hood? This salesman never gets an office because they just aren’t that good. They sit outside where everyone can see them and pass them by hoping not to make eye contact.

I take pictures some times. Does everyone need to see those pictures? Hell no. Sometimes, maybe, but overall, it seems like a waste. Also, let’s be honest. Snapchat was designed for people to share naked photos they don’t think will be shared with the rest of the world. (They are wrong of course. People figured that shit out fast.) I just can’t see anyone wanting a picture of me naked, so I’m out.

What else is there? Google+. That is something that just pops up on my computer when I am checking my Gmail. I am sure there are others that a rudimentary Google search would bring to my attention that I could talk about, but this blog is going long and I just don’t care. I have a lot of internet friends and I will communicate with them in ways that work for us, but I don’t need this gratification of being connected to everyone all the time. I like to be alone at times. I like to meet people here in the real world. Regardless, fuck it. That is all I really have to say about social media. I will do some of it, but I really hope to never get so caught up in that it is all I do.

Also, I heard social media makes people grow soul patches, and you all know how I feel about that shit.

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