How to Be Manly: A Guide from One Manly Bastard

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As you can tell, I am incredibly manly. I have a cowboy image, I work a blue collar job, I grew up on a farm, and overall I am a hell of a tough guy. (At least, you should believe this because I have told you so.) I worry that other men out there feel inadequate in their manliness. It keeps me up at night. I hate the idea that men out there aren’t living up to their potential as men’s men. (Don’t worry. I don’t really think about this, but it works for this bullshit blog.) To this end, I plan to give all the men out there tips on how to be much more manly and tough. So, take notes. There will be a test later. Don’t worry though, it isn’t graded. Just pass or fail.

Tip Number One: Grow some awesome facial hair. It doesn’t really matter if it is a beard, goatee, or mustache. It does matter if it is a soul patch though. Those are really stupid and I must make this abundantly clear. People who grow a soul patch are typically douche bags. However, sideburns are hit or miss. There is a fine line between bitchin’ chops and tool bag, pretentious hipster-burns. Personally, I go back and forth between the goatee, the full beard, and the chin strap beard. (I occasionally do the bitchin’ chops just to show how it is done.) Some of you may be thinking, I can’t grow much facial hair. My beard looks like crap when I grow it out. How does this god damn stupid tip help, you idiot?! Jesus, tone it down psycho. Don’t worry. This is only the first tip. There are more items that can make you manly. Oh, I should make it clear that you don’t need to follow all or any of these steps. Once again, it is bullshit.

Tip Number Two: Do something physical. I realize in the modern era it is hard to find a vocation where a man uses his muscles and shows off his skill with his hands, so I don’t necessarily expect everyone to go get a job at the local steel smelter or lumber mill. However, in your free time, build a fence. Chop some logs. Mow your lawn. Whatever. Just use your body to accomplish something. (By the way, if you wear a floppy hat and flower gloves while mowing, you have negated the point.) Though mostly these tips are a bit of silliness on my part written out of boredom one fine morning, I do actually think it is nice to go out and engage in physical activity on a regular basis. I find it highly therapeutic. Even if it is just hiking for a few miles, stretch your body and achieve something with it. I think you will like the results.

Tip Number Three: Be prepared to flip someone off. What I advocating here is not meanness or necessarily aggressiveness, but merely the idea that people in this world can be kind of assholes. Call them out. “Hey man, stop being an asshole.” Of course, if they continue being an asshole once you have verbally or literally given them the finger for this behavior, you ignore them. They are clearly an idiot not worth your time. Also, this one is a fine line to walk. In calling out assholes, you have to be careful not to become one yourself. When I said flip someone off, I should be clear that is figurative, not literal because often this action doesn’t come with enough explanation. Okay, this whole tip is falling apart a little bit. Shit. Ummm… Okay, fuck it. Forget this tip. Just try to get along the best you can and let things get to you as little as possible. Does that sound better? I don’t know. I am too manly to care. Yeah, that sounds good.

Tip Number Four: Eat meat and drink beer. I eat a lot of meat, but I don’t drink beer. (See, I told you that you don’t have to do all of them.) This is more a perception thing. People see you doing this and make a snap judgment that you are manly. It isn’t true, but what written here has been?
Tip Number Five: Don’t worry about any of it and be yourself. Seriously, this is the only one that actually matters. I wrote this mostly to try and be a little bit funny, but I have also been thinking about how we see ourselves and others see us. It is typically a bit of a façade. So, no matter what attribute you see as positive, being manly or whatever, the only way to really achieve that thing is to be yourself. If you have some degree of confidence in yourself, work towards goals that make you happy, and treat people like you would like to be treated, you will quickly become very manly. (I also recommend this behavior for any ladies reading. Also, I am single. Sorry, weird thing to thrown in there. Jesus, this aside is getting long. You think I would stop typing it at some point. Okay, done.) It is hard to be a person, to find happiness, and find a place in our civilization. The only thing I can really say is to your best. As we all know, that shit isn’t easy, but I think we all can do it. It is the most optimistic thing about me. So, from one manly bastard to you, good luck and I know you can.

Also, seriously, who the fuck thought a soul patch was good idea? Damn, that’s stupid.

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