Hello and welcome to In Too Deep, where I over-analyse a certain section of pop culture.

Now as odd as this sounds, I have only just brought and played Portal. I know, I know. Took me long enough. Still haven’t got round to playing Portal 2 yet (although it’s on my ‘to play’ list). But while I was playing the game a startling revelation occurred to me: I should not be given a portal gun. Seriously, I’d be the worst person in the world to give one too. Why? Because with my imagination I could do some pretty evil things.

I should mention that there are Portal 2 ending spoilers, so best play that before you read this. Also there are two portal guns canonically, the blue/purple gun and the red/yellow gun. I can walk through blue/purple portals and red/yellow portals.

To start off my evil schemes I’ll need to get some money. Well that’s easy enough. Simply fire a portal within the bank vault. But, I hear you ask, how do I get out of the bank vault? Well it’s never been determined just how much distance can be created between two portals. And there are at least two portal guns. So it’s simple.

1)Find safe house and fire red portal at safe house wall.

2)Arrive at bank vault and fire yellow portal at vault wall.

Outcome: simply walk out with the money and close the portal behind me. Simple as pie.

So I’ve got the money which I can now use to pay for my evil supervillian crimes. But now what am I meant to do? Well, lets say I want to start a profitable war. It’s simple.

1)Find target for assassination. The US president for example.

2)Fire blue portal at ground next to me.

3)Configuring the portal gun to act as a sniper rifle, fire purple portal through open window at the White House and hit one of the walls (now this is the hardest part, getting a portal into the room. But I’m sure I can pay someone to either open a window or shoot it out).

4)Throw grenade/s through open portal next to me and close portal (by shooting a purple portal next to me) to stop them throwing them back.

Outcome: president is assassinated, turmoil is created, I have a good laugh.

I mean, if I had access to a nuclear bomb, then it wouldn’t be a matter of having to get the bomb to the destination, but the portal (without dying obviously). It’d be pretty easy.

1)Buy warehouse in the city I don’t like.

2)Shoot portal at ceiling. Make sure the warehouse I buy gives me enough time.

3)Go to place where I’m keeping nuclear bomb (preferably in a different country).

4)Fire portal below bomb and quickly fire counter-portal so I don’t get killed in the backlash.

Outcome: City wiped out, no way it can be traced back to me. Use several guns to achieve effect simultaneously.

Lets say I wanted to wipe out, say, a building, in a more… creative way. What would I do? Simple.

1)Fire blue portal at floating portal platform located in middle of ocean.

2)Arrive at safe house and fire red portal at ceiling. If I can’t carry two guns, then fire it at wall instead.

3)Arrive at location of place where I want to destroy. Now if I have two guns the process is simpler, but I’ll pretend I only have one.

4)Fire yellow portal at wall and pick up blue/purple gun I left in safe house.

5)Put red/yellow gun on ground next to me after climbing through red portal.

6)Fire purple portal in enemy compound far away from me.

7)Walk through red/yellow portal, close it behind me.

8)Radio minions to sink platform in sea so that sea water come rushing into building through blue/purple portal.

Outcome: I’m safe in my headquarters while my enemy’s building is flooded with a never ending stream of sea water. The building is damaged and/or destroyed, my enemies are either drowned or hurt by the sudden increase of water, I win.

So now we come to the grand finale. The part where I destroy the world. It’s rather easy actually.

1)I get up into my evil space station I brought after stealing so much money.

2)I get my paid minions to paint a portal surface on something tall. A skyscraper or something.

3)I fire one portal at that. I then fire the other at the moon’s surface.

Outcome: sit back and watch as all the atmosphere is sucked from the earth and deposited into space. The destruction of the entire planet with just two portals.

So there you have it. A very good argument about why I shouldn’t be given portal technology. If you disagree with anything, or have anything to add, feel free to leave a comment. Till next time.

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