Some times I blogged about science, sometimes about the useless bullshit of my daily life, most of the time I just bitched about movies, but this time was special. Chuck Norris is funny as a meme, he is a genuinely talented martial artist that probably could put his foot through the face of one of his co-stars if the blocking mark is in the wrong spot, but that’s where I’d keep it. Beyond that, the man misses the mark. He’s fundamentally religious, lashes out against common sense, and was practically the only one who put their full support behind a politician that was certifiably insane. When I saw a poster describing his ‘ethics’, I almost shouted at the wall it was hanging on. Instead, I did the only reasonable thing…I complained to the internet…

Earlier this week, I stopped by Raising Cain, a fried chicken fast food joint with a sauce that has the oddest property of tasting like liquid garbage the first time you try it, then the ejaculate of god with every bite after, when I spotted this:

Chuck Flag-small
I guess a spinning kick to the head is ethical.)

 

Luckily, I didn’t have any of the precious oil soaked goodness in my mouth at the time, because I probably would have spit it all over those unethically tight pants (seriously, look at it. it’s like a denim prison for your balls. Despite being an incredibly right leaning Christian (wants prayer in schools, supports a ban on gay marriage, supports INSANE PEOPLE [Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul…]), had the balls to write Obama and tell him to “…lead more from the center.” Balls that you can clearly see through those jeans.

This is a man trying to take the moral high ground, despite cheating on his wife in 1978, resulting in a child, divorcing in 1988 after 30 years of marriage to his first wife (something Christians frown upon), AND he almost made The Expendables 2 PG-13!

WALLPAPER - CHUCK NORRIS
(“In ‘Expendables 2,’ there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay. For this reason, many young people wouldn’t be able to watch this. But I don’t play in movies like this,” Norris explained. “Due to that I said I won’t be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be classified in the category of PG-13.”

Bullshit! Besides the obvious films from the 80’s and 90’s, the last film he did in 2005 was The Cutter, rated R for violence! So what the fuck is he talking about?!? This man is a massive goddamn hypocrite! His bullshit can escape the event horizon of a Black Hole (no, I’m not going to delve into anti-meme territory here, that’s it. I promise)! What possible fucking ethics could this asshole possibly bestow upon us?!?

chucknorris2
I hope no one takes a closer look at that poster…

C’mon Norris! Let’s see what wisdom you can impart on us! You’re buddy Bruce Lee had an interesting, if at times flawed, philosophy! Surely you’ve discovered some gems during your times of self reflection!

“I will develop myself to the maximum potential in all ways.”

Wow. Astounding. Did you come up with that yourself? Or did you hear it, like me, when your fifth grade teacher yelled at you for not doing your homework? This is deep stuff right here. Certainly no one has ever thought to live to their full potential. But what’s this? In all ways! Surely you jest sir! Maybe one or two is doable, but all ways! Poppycock! What other crazy improvements of self should we invoke?!?

“I will be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.”

So…don’t be an asshole. Well, I’m out. And what’s this? Think positive? This is new information for me. Thank the gods I heard this on a poster provided by Chuck Norris! I know I personally hate being in a good mood. Thinking wonderfully of myself has never crossed my mind, especially since I have a lot going for me. After all, I shouldn’t think negatively, just because I have a little weight problem, my right leg doesn’t work well, my memory is shot due to a learning disability, and my family is slowly dwindling around me, no sir! Not for a moment! Keep that mind positive even when shit is raining on you! And remember, it’s Chuck who told you that…no one else.

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like I'm just ripping off other people.
Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like I’m just ripping off other people.

Wait! There’s more!

“If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.”

Hitler, Stalin, Genghis Khan. Nothing? Really? I guess it’s easier when it’s a group of people. How about those whacky gays? Nothing? Still? Oh right, I guess it’s easier to pay others to spout your hate for you. Hold up, that’s not fair either. You don’t hate them. You just don’t want them to have rights. I forgot. I won’t make that mistake again.

“I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness toward another person’s viewpoint while still holding fast to what I know to be true and honest.”

Sure you will champ. Sure you will.

“I will remain highly goal-oriented (didn’t really need the dash there) throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country, and myself.”

I’m glad he said this again! I almost forgot about being positive! And now goals! Holy shit! How have I never had goals before! And I apparently need shit tons of them! Always need a goal! Good advice! Why didn’t anyone ever tell me these things before! It took Chuck Norris to make a  poster before I learned any of these things!

Unless, of course, I’m acting like an asshole. I fucking love sarcasm.

I'm starting to think you're making fun of me.
I’m starting to think you’re making fun of me.

What the fuck is this generic pile of drivel supposed to achieve? Did he really say these things, or did someone sit in front of Photoshop for an hour with Wikipedia open and smash together a bunch of bullshit with a picture of Chuck Norris and an American flag? Even if it was that, Norris would have had to give his approval before it was sold! How is this cliche ridden, ball cringing, terribly designed piece of garbage any better than common fucking sense? And how am I supposed to take it seriously while I’m cramming the deep fried muscle of a chicken drenched with Jesus jizz into my face?

I believe it’s dishonest. Chuck Norris is the last person who should be handing out advice. Especially when it doesn’t apply to everyone. ESPECIALLY when it doesn’t apply to himself. You know what, here’s my list of ethical shit. It may not be something you’d want to follow, but it sure as shit is a hell of a lot more honest then the feel good drivel Chuck’s shooting out his ass.

 

1. Don’t be a dick (pretty self evident).

2. Shit happens, then you die (learn to live with it).

3. Just because bad things happen, that doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole (I’m an asshole for every reason BUT this).

4. Don’t just lie down and give up (no one wants to hear you complain if you’re doing nothing to improve your situation).

5. If someone treats you like a piece of shit, fuck ’em (not literally).

6. Own your shit. Don’t back peddle, or allow yourself a slippery way out, OWN IT.

7. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to (do you really want to know what grandma’s ‘O’ face is?).

8. Don’t just see the other’s point of view, understand it (remember this when you’re fighting with the little lady, women, just let the guy buy the fucking Xbox)

9. Everyone can be an asshole, just remember that there’s more to them than the ranting and raving about video games and stupid people (and Chuck Norris).

10. Whether you like it or not, there’s always hope.

 

There you go. Take it or leave it. If you leave it, remember to use the trash can on the way out. It might not be Universal truths, in fact, people should argue them, but it’s a shit load better than the ‘stay positive and be a good boy!’ bullshit. I may be a heavily opinionated, sarcastic, know-it-all (that’s when you use a fucking dash!), but I’m honest with strangers, as well as friends, family and loved ones, never believed that someone’s rights should be ignored because they weren’t like me, and I don’t, I repeat DON’T, support the craziest of the crazies, even within my own group (seriously, even Republicans were weary about those fucking guys)!

You don’t need me, some celebrity, or anyone else but yourself to know what’s right and what’s wrong. Unless you’re a certified psychopath (you’re not, right?) you’ll understand that people just want to be treated well. It’s not a hard concept to understand (again, unless you have a disorder that involves trapping and dismembering people for fun, they don’t understand…or care).

If it’s one cliche I’ll indulge in it’s ‘Treat others how you want to be treated.’ Who wants to be greeted with an insult about their dick and a slap (outside of sexual gratification)? That’s right, no one. So don’t do it yourself. Keep to that, remember who you are, and you’ll do just fine.

Right Carlos?

Yeah, fuck you too.
Yeah, fuck you too.

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