On the offhand chance that you enjoy reading reviews from professional movie critics as I do, there’s something I’ve come to realize that you might find useful: Certain terms can take on new definitions when used in their reviews. At times, it’s best to consider a broader meaning of the term that more accurately conveys their reaction, so here, for your convenience, are several such terms redefined:


 Shallow: This movie is not a drama.



Offensive: This is a horror movie, a comedy, or both.



Plotless/Plot-lite: This movie has special effects.



Escapist: This movie has special effects. I liked it.



Gritty: This movie uses the shaky camera technique



Shaky cam: I’m sick of movies using the shaky camera technique



Pretentious: This movie thinks it’s smarter than I am.



Stupid: I believe I am older and/or more mature than the intended audience for this movie (see shallow).



Fanboys: I’m a bit insecure about being one of the people reviewing this movie.



Overrated/underrated: My opinion on this movie is outnumbered, and I don’t like that it’s outnumbered, so what I want you all to do is pretend that everyone else just… doesn’t count.



Agenda: This movie contradicts my political beliefs.



Preachy: This movie really contradicts my political beliefs.



Objectively: Stop saying it’s just my opinion. I’m right!



Unpretentious: This movie doesn’t make me feel bad for liking violence, swearing, and fart jokes.



Besotted: Hello, my name is Armond White. I am smarter than you are.









…I must be in a cynical mood today.


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