Antoni Matteo Garcia

This first version of the death battle meme template belongs to Death-Driver-5000 and is dedicated to everybody who is entertained with the idea of having the four hulking and musclebound warlord brothers Zula, Conan, Ka-Zar, and Arkon and the four mighty and beastly wild warrior brothers in George of the Jungle, Basuli, Tarzan, and Maugli engage in a blood-spewing death battle full of muscles, strength, and virility. Sit back, relax, and revel in this manly carnage between four brutal warlord brothers and four wildly feral brothers.

I take you back to 2001, considering this was the year that Disney’s The Legend of Tarzan aired on UPN’s Disney’s One Too programming block. This was also year this death battle took place between two groups of muscular brothers from two different tribes. This would be an all-out hand-to-hand bloodbath of a tournament that combined Pankration, Vale Tudo, Mixed Martial Arts, Luta Livre, Shootfighting, Hardcore Boxing, and Hardcore Wrestling. Their battle to the death took place in the Waziri Tribe’s training grounds in the afternoon, an all-open venue where the sun was rising high and spectators were about to witness the carnage. The basic rule for this all-out match between the two groups of musclebound brothers from the Wasai and the Waziri tribes respectively was that anything went. All forms of punches, throws, joint locks, biting, slashing, and gouging were permitted on all parts of the body, which meant that the combatants were going to give each other the unmercifully bludgeoning beatdown of the century, hold nothing back, and go ballistically animalistic on each other with all of their might, strength, and ferocity. The only qualifier for victory was if the team remained standing after knocking the opposing team out.

The Bludgeoning Warlords of the Wasai Tribe consisted of 37-year-old Zula, 37-year-old Conan, 37-year-old Ka-Zar, and 37-year-old Arkon, with Zula being the eldest brother and Arkon being the youngest, especially since they could pass as quadruplets of different skin colors and varying muscular builds. The Raging Feral Kings of the Waziri Tribe consisted of 31-year-old eldest brother George of the Jungle, 30-year-old Basuli, 30-year-old Tarzan, and 29-year-old Maugli. All of the combatants were topless, gloveless, barefoot, garment-free, and only wearing extremely revealing G-strings while their powerfully built muscular frames gleamed in the sunlight, thanks to being doused in coconut oil. It was time for the two groups of musclebound combatants to flaunt their nearly nude muscular bodies for a bodybuilding posedown for exhibition purposes, especially for a crowd of warriors from all walks of life. The special guests who also attended this death battle were Zula’s and Conan’s 36-year-old husband Calais, Ka-Zar’s 36-year-old husband Zetes, Arkon’s 35-year-old husband Antiphus, George’s 33-year-old husband Namontack, Basuli’s and Tarzan’s 31-year-old husband Hercules, and Maugli’s 31-year-old husband Kocoum, and they were just as excited to witness their darling husbands engage in a bodybuilding routine and crowning it all with a fight to the death.

Zula’s, Conan’s, Ka-Zar’s, Arkon’s, George’s, Basuli’s, Tarzan’s, and Maugli’s bodybuilding posedown routine was the calm before the storm, considering the front-double biceps, back-double biceps, front lat spread, pec-bouncing, side-chest pose, the crab version of the most muscular pose, and the hands-on-hips version of the most muscular pose they accomplished with flair and manliness. After that display of muscular virility, the combatants faced each other. The match-ups were as follows: Zula vs George, Conan vs Basuli, Ka-Zar vs Tarzan, and Arkon vs Maugli. What ensued between the two sets of musclebound combatants was enough to make UFC, Pride FC, and Bellator appear more like sweetly sentimental Hallmark holiday television movies and children’s shows airing on PBS during their heyday in the 1990s and early 2000s. Par for the course was Zula, Conan, Ka-Zar, and Arkon venomously intimidating George, Basuli, Tarzan, and Maugli stating by flexing their humongous muscles at them and unleashing terrifying roars at them akin to the ruthless Tyrannosaurus Rexes, while George, Basuli, Tarzan, and Maugli flexed their muscles and roared back at them like the mightiest of lions while baring their fangs at Zula, Conan, Ka-Zar, and Arkon to show that they were just as virile, terrifying, and unmerciful as they are.

After that display of intimidating each other, the two groups of musclebound combatants proceeded to engage in acid-dripping trash-talk which made whatever pre-fight trash-talking in UFC or WWE seem like the Care Bears in stark comparison. Zula, Conan, Ka-Zar, and Arkon viciously smirked at the unfazed George, Basuli, Tarzan, and Maugli who showed no emotion at their more hulking opponents. Zula proclaimed that he would choke the life out of George, while George retorted by declaring that he would break Zula in two like a twig. Conan scoffed at Basuli and boasted that he would collect his battered body and mount him on his wall as a trophy, with Basuli firing back with his acid-dripping threat of snapping Conan’s neck with his bare hands and sinking his fangs into it for his meal. Ka-Zar cruelly smirked and cackled at Tarzan saying that he would use his mighty muscles to crush him and make his body into fine dust, and Tarzan shot back with a vicious taunt of devouring Ka-Zar’s beaten body whole, flesh, skin, and bones, and all. Arkon declared that he would smash Maugli until he screamed in terror, as Maugli taunted Arkon back by threatening to batter and slash him everywhere and give him multiple bruises. Together, Zula, Conan, Ka-Zar, and Arkon boasted that they would make George, Basuli, Tarzan, and Maugli their slaves, trophies, and male concubines if they won just as George, Basuli, Tarzan, and Maugli taunted Zula, Conan, Ka-Zar, and Arkon back that they would make them submit to be their slaves once they won their battle to the death.

The two pairs of musclebound combatants got to their positions and stances. Once the bell rang, the two groups of musclebound warrior brothers charged at each other like hungry lions on the prowl and threw each other a series of sprawls-and-brawls, ground-and-pounds, double axe handles, rabbit punches, hammer fists, headbutts, and spinal locks. Zula pounded George with a series of double axe handles all over his body, while George countered them with an uppercut-jab combo along with a tracheal grip choke. Conan and Ka-Zar made good on their promises of crushing Basuli and Tarzan by squeezing them with a bone-shattering bearhug. However, Basuli and Tarzan countered Conan’s and Ka-Zar’s bearhugs by headbutting them. Basuli then proceeded to do a fireman’s carry on Conan, thus dropping him to the ground with a resounding thud and giving him a barrage of ground-and-pounds all over his face. Tarzan, on the other hand, gave Ka-Zar a hip throw, showered his face with ground-and-pounds, and locked him in a back-breaking spinal lock. Arkon was showering Maugli with a barrage of liver punches, headbutts, and chokeholds, and Maugli also gave some bone-shattering rabbit punches, liver punches, and back fists to Arkon. With blood splattered all over the ring and bruises all over their bodies, this left the Wasai’s four Bludgeoning Warlords and the Waziri’s four Raging Feral Kings to roar and charge at each other with all of their strength. Whenever Zula, Conan, Ka-Zar, and Arkon unleashed chokeholds and bearhugs, George, Basuli, Tarzan, and Maugli would counter their attacks by opening their fanged mouths up wide and viciously biting them. They even threw away their G-strings and continued to battle each other naked, thus exposing their oiled and handsomely muscled bodies in the nude for everybody to see. In this competition of muscular warrior giants, blood continued to be shed, muscles writhed, and both groups gave in to their inner animal and made their death battle a seemingly endless one. Every punch, submission hold, bite, and gouge did not faze them and only made them more feral.

Now, I ask you this, dear readers. Which quartet of muscle brothers do you think won this virile death battle full of muscles and virility? Please let me know in the comments below. Until then, take care, stay safe, and remember to keep on training hard and strong like Zula, Conan, Ka-Zar, Arkon, George, Basuli, Tarzan, and Maugli even on this Thanksgiving season, everybody.

Zula of the Wasai and Conan of Cimmeria from Conan the Adventurer (1992) belong to Robert E. Howard and Christy Marx.

Ka-Zar of the Savage Lands and Arkon of Polemachus belong to X-Men the Animated Series (1993) belongs to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.

George of the Jungle belongs to Jay Ward.

Basuli and Tarzan from Tarzan belong to Disney and Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Maugli from The Adventures of Mowgli belongs to Rudyard Kipling, Roman Davydov, Leonid Belokurov, and Soyuzmultfilm.