This year hasn’t been easy and it’s been a year of self-discovery. I returned to my Rachel character. A character I love writing about as she allows me to express my feelings. Rachel is very much a stand-in for me and you’ll see that as you read this story as like all my Rachel stories, elements of what she goes through are based on things I’ve been through and TW: mention of cutting.
“No you aren’t real. I killed you years ago. Just leave me alone” Rachel shouted at the thing she saw in the mirror, something that had been haunting her for a few months but but she felt too much shame to tell anyone, even her big sister, Cassie. She didn’t want to burden Cassie after her big sister almost took her life. Why hurt her anymore?
“Just leave me alone, I’m Rachel and people love me for Rachel” She tried to reassure herself as the thing slowly stepped out of the mirror. “Why are you so ugly?” Rachel asked as she looked at the thing now standing in her bedroom, all she saw was a monster with flabby skin. The monster was so grotesque as its skin hung out all over the place and Rachel could see scars on the monster’s right arm. Had the monster been attacked, Rachel wondered almost feeling bad for it.
As the monster came closer, she noticed it was wearing a ripped dress, “I have that dress” Rachel thought aloud as she noticed the monster was in a version of her favorite pink dress that had cute cherries all over it. But the dress on the monster looked like it had been torn to shreds by Cinderella’s cruel stepsisters. Rachel looked again at the cuts on the monster and for a moment, she thought she saw blood but it couldn’t be because blood isn’t pink or was it blue or did she see purple? Something was oozing from the cuts on the monster’s arm but Rachel didn’t think it was blood. It dripped onto her bedroom floor and Rachel could’ve sworn, she saw a flag but she was probably hallucinating.
The monster came closer to Rachel and she noticed it wearing purple heels. The same purple heels that Cassie had her try on not that long ago.
****Some Time Ago****
“Why don’t you try these heels?” Cassie suggested to her little sister as she was excited to be helping Rachel get ready for a date. They’d spent all day at the mall shopping. Cassie had to pull her little sister away from The Enchanted Rose Bookstore as they were supposed to be getting her ready for her date but Rachel did pick up a book, one she’d been wanting to read for some time about a trans girl called Melissa.
“Cassie, I don’t think these heels fit. They feel too tight” Rachel told her big sister. The shoes did feel uncomfortable and they were tight but that wasn’t the reason Rachel didn’t like them. Purple was one of her favorite colors after pink and red but these heels felt wrong.
“Oh, you just need to break them in. My first pair of heels also felt too tight when I was your age”, Cassie tried to reassure her little sister unaware of how Rachel was actually feeling.
***Back in Rachel’s Room***
Rachel now noticed the purple heels on the monster were breaking apart and causing the monster so much pain. She almost felt bad for the monster but that couldn’t be right as it’s a monster and monsters hurt people. That’s when she noticed a necklace the monster was wearing and she gasped as she felt the necklace she was wearing.
*****Three Months Ago****
“I can’t believe you have to move, Blaire” Rachel said as her and her other best friend, Ariel were having one last sleepover with their sleepiest friend.
“Yeah, mom and dad decided I should move back in with them. Their marriage is in a good place but it’s sucky leaving Florida to move to California. I love my aunts but I’ve missed being with my parents. Oh before I forget, I have something for the two of you”. At that moment, Blaire handed her two friends, necklaces. Ariel’s was a seashell and Rachel’s was a chameleon. Her favorite animal.
“Oh Blaire, I’ll treasure this necklace forever”, Rachel told her friend as she put the necklace on.
***Back in Rachel’s Room***
Rachel looked again at the necklace on the monster and it was a chameleon like hers but it wasn’t green. Again, she saw purple, no she saw pink or was it blue?
“What the heck is going on?” Rachel wondered aloud for only herself and the monster to hear. Was the monster crying but the tears were those colors again plus some more. Once again Rachel started to feel bad for the monster. But the monster wasn’t crying for themselves.
“You have any other clothes of mine that you want to try on?” Rachel asked starting to get annoyed with the monster but instead the monster went to her shelf of stuffed animals. To say Rachel was protective of her plushies would be an understatement. The monster seemingly knew which one he was going for.
***Earlier in the year***
Rachel had been spending more time with Cassie after Cassie’s ex moved away and broke up with her. Cassie was trying to move on and had something she knew her little sister would love.
“Rachel, I know you love plushies and well you’ve always been a good ally. I think you should have this cute little guy. His name is Gayby (Gay Baby)”, Rachel was so ecstatic as her big sister handed her the gay mouse plushie.
***Back in Rachel’s Room***
“Don’t you touch him!” Rachel yelled at the monster as it grabbed for Gayby. Again, those colors showed up but this time all at once and all over Gayby.
The flabby monster approached Rachel, “What are you doing? You hurt me, I’ll tell someone”. Rachel lied knowing that she had hurt herself and never told anyone except her stuffed cat, Diana. The monster walked past Rachel, the young girl still feeling scared but the monster had no interest in her. Instead, the monster walked to her closet.
“What are you doing with those?”, the girl asked as the monster put on a red polo shirt and a pair of men’s pants. Suddenly, Rachel didn’t see a monster but a boy.
“Tim?” Rachel asked, no one but her closest friend, Ariel knew Tim. Tim is what she called her boy side. For the longest time, Rachel thought she might’ve been trans masc but she still liked parts of being a girl. That didn’t feel right but then she discovered gender fluid and that was how he felt.
“This is what Tim looks like? He’s kinda handsome” Rachel said impressed at himself, he felt like he was looking at his true reflection. “But I can never be Tim in the real world” Rachel reminded herself and Tim. The boy said but Rachel was still scared and nearly went for the scissors but Tim stopped her finally speaking to her.
“No!”, Rachel put the scissors down and broke down into tears as Tim hugged her and gave her Gayby. He knew this wasn’t the first time they’d cut.
***Early One Morning***
Rachel awoke with tears running down her face. “They’ll never accept me. I’ve always been Rachel to them. Asking Ariel was so hard and even though she’d been assured it wasn’t, she felt was she betraying her closest friendship by asking Ariel to use another name, a boy name. She’d always been Rachel and thought Ariel would hate her if Rachel felt she was a boy.
“It’ll make everyone unhappy and I’ll be a burden to everyone” Rachel said as she went for one of her mom’s knives to commit what she referred to as the third option. Ariel had told her there were two choices, she could make. Come out to her mom or stay in the closet but Rachel figured there was a third more permanent option.
“It’s the only choice”, she said to her stuffed cat, Diana as she went for it with tears in her eyes. But at that moment, she dropped the knife knowing the third option was wrong.
***Back in Rachel’s Room***
Rachel felt the warm embrace of her boy side and felt proud of who she and he was. Rachel was going to try and be more honest about Tim. As they thought this, her phone went off and it was a text from Ariel.
“Hi Tim”
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