Hello and welcome to Enough Already, where I discuss trends, tropes, and behavior that we really need a break from.

This time, I’m reposting and revising a blog from 2012. Some things have changed since then, but not enough.

I’m taking a break from my usual discussions of illogical or nonsensical scenes in media to discuss a typical response geeks get from non-geeks (or even some geeks, in an Even Nerds Have Standards way).

Namely the line “you need to get laid”, or some variation of it.

You see it all the time. You see it in comment sections. You see it on message boards and forums. You see it in TV and movies (in shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or The Big Bang Theory) where some character makes a geeky reference and another person rolls his/her eyes at the statement and says something like “You’ve never had even the tiniest bit of sex, have you?”

First off, why is there an assumption that if someone has a wealth of knowledge about comic books, anime/manga, or fantasy/sci-fi movies, TV shows, or literature, then that someone does not have a sex life or is a virgin? For all the person making these remarks knows, the geek might actually have a “significant other”. They might have indeed had sex. And having a sex life and having a vast (if not encyclopediac) knowledge of geek culture are not mutually exclusive concepts.

Secondly, even if the geek in question IS a virgin or at least hasn’t ‘done it’ in a long time, why is it anyone else’s business?

There are many reasons why the geek might not be “getting any”. Maybe they want their first time to be reserved for that “special someone”, and they haven’t found that “special someone” yet. Maybe they’re not sure about their sexual preference yet. Maybe they’d rather not deal with possible negative consequences (sexual disease, unwanted pregnancies, arguments, and other messes I won’t go into here). Or maybe they’re just plain not interested in sex.

Not everyone considers sex to be a priority. Not everyone is just waiting to hop in the sack with someone as soon as they’re old enough to drink, or vote, or drive. Some have other interests, other desires, and other priorities. Some have decided “Sex? Not for me.”

Just to be clear, I am not hating on sex. I’m sure it’s VERY pleasurable and enjoyable for those who participate in it. I don’t have a problem with sex itself at all. In fact, I owe my life to sex, and most likely so do you. It’s just that I’m not in any hurry to have it myself, and I’m just fine with it.

So, why are people so hard on those who aren’t having sex? As I write this, there are billions of humans on the planet Earth, so it’s not like every guy has a duty to knock up a girl and every girl has a duty to become pregnant to keep the species going. The human race is not at this time facing an under-population problem.

So what’s the reason for the hate people like me, who don’t consider sex a priority, get? There are probably many reasons, but I think one of them has to be people’s beliefs that THEIR way of getting enjoyment out of life – i.e. sex – is better than others’ means of having a good time.

And to that I say, I believe greatly in individuality. People should be free to do whatever they enjoy, as long as it’s not hurting themselves or others. So why force your way onto others? Let them decide for themselves if your idea of having fun is right for them.

This also goes for aromantics – people who aren’t romantically attracted to anyone. We shouldn’t be too hard on them, either. Also, it’s important to not confuse sex with romance. Some people can be romantic without having a great interest in sex, and vice versa.

Asexuality and aromantic are just as valid identities as heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and all the other sexualities on the spectrum, and shouldn’t be ignored or be the butt of jokes. I believe in treating asexuals, heterosexuals, cisgenders, romantics, aromantics, and LGBTQ+ people with decency and respect.

And to go back to what triggered this rant in the first place, I find it perfectly acceptable for non-geeks to tell geeks “You have waay too much time on your hands.” That’s all right, because it’s true in a way. But when someone says “Sleep with something” or “you need to get laid”, then there’s a problem. Our sex lives or lack thereof are quite frankly none of their business.

I think I’ve said all I need to say on this subject. I originally posted this back in 2012, but the points, I feel, bear repeating today even though I’d like to think asexuals and aromantics (often called ‘aces’ and ‘aros’) are a lot more visible today than they were back in 2012. In any case, let me know your thoughts in the comments.

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1 thought on “Enough Already: Asexual/non-sexual erasure

  1. I’ll admit that even I use the “you need to get laid” comeback when someone says something stupid or narrow-minded, but I never realized it could be intended as a jab towards ace/aro people. You’re definitley right that our society and media is too obsessed with sex. Yet it pulls the usual double standard of condeming people for having no interest in sex or for having a greater than average interest in sex. It’s insane. Just let people live their lives as they want to as long as they aren’t harming anyone. We don’t need to conform to rigid standards.

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