(Scene fades to James & Eliza)
TLOTA: Well, enjoying the look through my past?
Eliza Dushku: Wow, you were a part of a chorus that performed for the Miss New York of 1996 & Governor Pataki’s Wife. You any good?
TLOTA: Well, I tried to sing and act when I was in my High School performances. But during that time, my twin nieces were infants and I made a choice to stay in their lives instead of reaching for a brass ring I knew would I’d never get.
Eliza Dushku: Well anything I should know about before the final review?
TLOTA: Well, ORAC, explain.
ORAC: During production of the final movie Thatguywiththeglasses.com faced inner turmoil as Jillian Zurowski and Brad Jones alias The Cinema Snob Had Divorced and Noah “Spoony” Antwiler had made what many considered disrespectful comments towards Hope Chapman who now goes by Justin after transitioning from female to male had been released from the site not long before the release of the first part of this multiple part special that when combined is three and a half hours long!
Eliza Dushku: THREE & HALF HOURS?! What was he doing, a remake of “The Hobbit”?
TLOTA: Not really, it was considered the Nostalgia Critic’s last hurrah and I guess Doug Walker wanted him to go out with a bang.
Eliza Dushku: Okay well, what about you James.
TLOTA: I was about to become an uncle for the third time from my oldest brother and the father of my twin nieces, my sister had come back from Ohio and my other brother was going to get married. I had sent out 500 requests to people and guess what, NOT ONE YES in the entirety. As a matter of fact, I needed three of the harshest ones to be done by a certain trio your old buddy Joss had. As a matter of fact, here’s the prop from the movie. (Paulo Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke and Nick Yaun jump out of nowhere as The Bad Horse Trio to scare Eliza Dushku and sing the Bad Horse Chorus!)
Eliza Dushku: Was that…. ?
TLOTA: If you’re referring to The Bad Horse Trio then yes. Oh hey look it here two that didn’t make the cut.
Eliza Dushku: As in…
TLOTA: Weren’t used in the final decision I had for the three I needed for the review. This one is yours. (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James, let me say your intelligence is the worst. Write to me again and you’ll be in a Hurst! I’d soon rather eat ten tons of moose poo! So go away and leave me be signed Eliza Dushku!
Eliza Dushku: Well I was in a relationship so that might explain my desire not to go out on a date with you but who is the other letter from.
TLOTA: Well the other one was so obscure I was sure I had a shot but even SHE turned me down! (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up and in the middle of it Eliza Dushku starts taking down the trio one at a time until the Bowler Hat wearing member played by Nick Yaun is left.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello James Faraci, please do me a favor and never write to me again for you are a bore! (Eliza takes the Winker and Blackie taken off screen as they’re killed in a painful manor off screen) I’d soon rather have my colon taken over with a plague carrying rat! Now go parp off and go away signed Tina Barrett! (A Gun shot is heard as The Bowler Hat Wearing member is shot dead.)
TLOTA: Now why did you do that?
Eliza Dushku: Did you ever think why I never did “Dr. Horrible”? I don’t mind working with Joss if he wants me to but even I have standards.
ORAC: The review is ready and two last noteworthy notes to be mentioned. The Rowdy Reviewer assisted in James in the process of writing it and was given a co-writer credit and a co-reviewer on this and after the sudden cancellation in 1981 of the series “Blake’s 7” to which I was a part of, I make my return to the Popular Culture in this review. With that said I am engaging the review of “To Boldly Flee”
TLOTA: You watch, meanwhile I’ve got to clean up the mess you made.
(The two fade to black as we cut to a wave crashing on the beach as the music of “David’s Dream” from the pilot of “The Incredible Hulk” plays in the background as James sits on the beach contemplating before standing up to walk towards the water as the scene cuts to a first person perspective as a female hand comes up to James and James turns around and it shows James happy for the what feels like for the first time in an eternity and the two of them enjoy the moment of happiness until a dark cloud appears on the horizon as James and the female are moments are away from kissing and the scene cuts to James’ parents comes to him as “David’s Nightmare” from the pilot of “The Incredible Hulk” plays in the background and the scene returns to the first person perspective and James is forced not to move as the female walks backwards into the water and James struggles to escape as he and his parents sink eventually the music reaches its most intense as James inaudibly shouts “NO!” as it slowly becomes audible before cutting to James waking up breathing heavy in his bed in a pool of sweat looking around seeing he’s still in his room and noticing it’s 2 A.M. and goes on a cursing rant that puts the kids from “South Park” to shame before screaming and laying back down before the intro to “Heil Honey I’m Home!” plays and James screams in anger, gets out of bed, grabs a crowbar and walks out his bedroom door before James’ mom stops James)
James’ mom: James, it doesn’t have to end like this.
TLOTA: MOM MAKE THE CHOICE! ME! YOU! DAD! THE TV! OR THE DISK!
James’ mom: The Disk?
TLOTA: Good choice! (The intro continues to play as James walks down the hallway as he hits the eject button to eject the Disk from the DVD player and James tosses the Disk Player and uses the crowbar to play baseball with the disk as it ricochets off the mantle, off the spinning blades of the ceiling fan and then gets demolished as the disk makes its way back to James as it hits the crowbar before cutting to James’ dad.)
James’ dad: Why did you do that? (Cut to James standing next to his mom stuttering “Why did I do that?”)
TLOTA: WHY DID I DO THAT?! Oh Let me tell you why I did that! Ever since I had to get it away from my friend YOU’VE PLAYED IT NON-STOP! I’VE BEEN HEARING IT EVERY WAKING FUCKING HOUR! IT’S ALWAYS (James mocks the intro and dialogue of “Heil Honey I’m Home as James’ mom & dad look in fear until he screams in anger.)
James’ mom: Feel better son?
TLOTA: NO! AND WHAT’S WORSE IS THAT WITH CHRIS’ WEDDING COMING CLOSER AND CLOSER I STILL DON’T HAVE A DATE 500 MESSAGES TO 500 WOMEN AND GUESS HOW MANY NOS I GOT?
James’ mom: 499?
James’ dad: 1?
TLOTA: 500! And the last three were the final nail in the coffin!
James’ dad: Let me look at one. (James’ dad opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio played by Paulo Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke & Nick Yaun pop up.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your brain. Your father is a Nazi and you’re insane! I’d soon rather eat my weight in Marble Tiles! Now go away and leave me alone. Signed Julia Stiles! (Cut to James and his mom)
James’ mom: It can’t be as bad you make it out to be. (James’ mom opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your skull. Your parents seem to smother you and it makes you dull! I’d soon rather take my life with a dull razor’s edge! So never write to me again. Signed Audrina Patridge!
TLOTA: You two STILL need proof, allow me! (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your head. I’d never go out with you if I were brain dead! I’m getting married next year just so you know! Now go away, leave me alone, eat shit and die…
Blackie of The Bad Horse Trio (Played by Eric Kurtzke): BURN IN HELL!
Bad Horse Trio: Signed Christy Romano.
TLOTA: And then there is near billion rejections from women I asked online!
James’ dad: Don’t you know…
TLOTA: YES, DAD I KNOW. Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to try to get some sleep in peace and quiet, in the camper! (Cut to James walking to the Camper as James he tries to not to get bug bit and as he opens the door and turns on the light.)
TLOTA: What the hell are you three doing here? (The Camera spins to see Christy Romano, Julia Stiles and Audrina Partridge with a confused look on their faces before cutting to the outside of the camper as noises emanate from inside ending with James screaming “MY LOINS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF WHOOPIE!” and the echo is so loud it cuts to Chris Lee Moore in his apartment hearing a faint echo of James shouting ringing in his ears.)
TLOTA: Wow, something good happen must have had to James, wish something good would happen to me. This Kim Possible episode is just being a pain in the neck. Maybe I should take a break. (Chris turns on his TV)
T.V. (Audio by James Faraci): And in national news The Internet Personality known as “The Last Of The Americans” has been declared an enemy of the state. (Cut to the TV Screen as President Obama denounces James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as an enemy of the state before cutting to James dressed as a news anchorman with a fake cheesy looking mustache)
News Anchorman: As of this moment, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans has yet to comment. (Cut to Rowdy looking at the TV)
Rowdy: There is no way President Obama would do something against us, that’d be stupid. (Cut to the TV News anchorman)
News Anchorman: Are you serious? Look up on Youtube when he said to a bunch of farmers “You didn’t do this”. It actually happened! (The News Anchorman shuts off Rowdy’s TV.)
Rowdy: Huh, that was odd. WAIT A SECOND! James is in trouble! LET’S RIDE!