(Scene starts with James opening the inside front door to his Office building as he quietly sings to himself the lyrics to the “Red Dwarf” end credits and holding in his right hand a copy of “Josie & The Pussycats” as he heads to his Office quarter’s door James quietly singing the lines “Goldfish Shoals nibbling on my…” Slowly looks around in the corner of his eyes as he sings “Toes” then proceeds to turn around slowly to jump as the camera cuts to Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines smiling creepily at James before cutting to James at the door.)
TLOTA: Hi there. Have you two been helped? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Hello James.
Traci Hines: Do you know…? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Yes I do, Eliza Dushku from movies like “True Lies”, “The New Guy” & “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and TV shows like “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, “Angel” “Tru Calling” & “Dollhouse” and you’ve done voice work in “Batman: Year One” & “HULK & The Agents of S.M.A.S.H.” and your cohort is Traci Hines best known as Helvetica The Hipster Mermaid from the web series “Life Lessons From A Hipster Mermaid”. The two of you are awesome! (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Well you know who we are, Impressive, Most Impressive. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Thanks, I guess. (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: I see that you have “Josie & The Pussycats” (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Why yes, yes I do. In order to show people why remaking Kids cartoons from the past might not be a great idea. Like with what they’re going to do with “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: Did you know I… (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Auditioned for the movie that hasn’t seen that big an Internet Backlash since the advent of The Internet? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: You are on the ball. I hope the review goes well for you.
Eliza Dushku: Knock ‘em dead (Eliza comes up to James’ ear to whisper in his ear “Tiger” and James gets a cold shiver down his back before Eliza backs away to see James feel uncomfortable.)
TLOTA: Well, thanks I … (Cut to see Eliza & Traci having disappeared before cutting to James.)
TLOTA: Huh that was… (Eliza & Traci appears out of nowhere and James jump screams before cutting to James as Eliza & Traci is seen from her back.)
TLOTA: YOWZA! Would you two please kindly go elsewhere? (Eliza & Traci walk away before James walks into his office quarter)
TLOTA: What is going on around here? DWAH! (Cut to see Eliza & Traci at James’ Office chair before cutting to James at the door.)
TLOTA: COULD YOU TWO LET ME TO DO MY WORK IN PEACE AND SANITY PLEASE…? EWOW! (James turns around to see Eliza & Traci behind him.)
TLOTA: PLEASE TURN AROUND AND TAKE A HIKE! (Cut to see Eliza and Traci next to James)
TLOTA: EYAH! WILL YOU TWO PLEASE FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE TO GO? (Eliza and Traci walk away arousing James before he sighs.)
TLOTA: Well let’s see what if this movie is worth it.
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well… this is happening. (Cut to clips of the preview for “Jem & The Holograms” and the classic 1980’s animated series while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY younger, I occasionally saw an episode of “JEM” and when I heard that Hollywood is making a live action version of this cartoon my reaction was “eh” at best that is until I saw the trailers and I just said to myself “No! Just….Just NO!” and to answer why that was my reaction is because they obviously missed the mark by galaxies. Because from what little of the series I saw, there was action, adventure, comedy, women with questionable theatrical makeup designs outside of KISS who look friggin bad ass in their gear and just enough energy to make people enjoy its harmless fun and if the trailer is any indication of what this film is gonna be, let’s say if you see either The Nostalgia Critic or The Blockbuster Buster tagging up with Nash from “Radio Dead Air” to take this turkey on, you’ll know why I’m not reviewing it. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: But I will give the movie this, it didn’t have a “Post “She’s All That”” Rachel Leigh Cook, a “Pre-“Sharknado”” Tara Reid and a “Pre-“Netflix & Marvel Daredevil” series” Rosario Dawson.