In Too Deep: The Philosopher and the Devil
Hello and Welcome to In Too Deep, where I over-analyse a certain section of pop culture.
This is different to my normal blogs since it’s a way for me to overcome my writer’s block. I was watching a documentary about Satan and it really did bring up some good questions. So naturally I decided to write a satirical blog taking the piss out of the Devil (since who’s really on his side anyway). I hope you enjoy.
Once upon a time there was a Philosopher. And that would be the end of the tale if one were to follow the events of his life, since it was long and failed to get to any sort of point at the end. Kinda like most of his discussions really.
No what was interesting was what happened after his life had finally ended. As he drew in his last breath and the world started to go dark, followed by a rather bright light. A bright, reddish orange light that seemed to flicker a bit. Something that seemed familiar to the Philosopher, if only he could remember where.
â€œCower, foolish mortal,â€ said a voice behind him. The Philosopher turned to see a large and rather angry red man tower over him.
â€œAh,â€ said the Philosopher. â€œAnd you’ll be the Devil.â€
â€œQuiet, fool,â€ sneered the Devil.
â€œI mean it’s not hard to guess. The horns and tail are subtle clues, but the bottom half of a goat and the pitchfork just make it a dead give-away. Also the fact that your skin is red, though that may just be the lighting.â€
â€œI am the Prince of Darkness,â€ snarled the Devil. â€œThe Devourer of Souls. The Ruler of Hell-â€
â€œYes yes that’s very nice,â€ said the Philosopher. â€œBut I don’t believe in you.â€
â€œ-The Anti-Christ, the-â€ the Devil paused mid rant. â€œWhat?â€
â€œI don’t believe in you.â€
â€œWhat do you mean you don’t believe in me?â€
â€œI’m an atheist. I don’t believe in all that mumbo jumbo religious rubbish. I’m far too much of a realist for that.â€
â€œReally?â€ said the Devil in disbelief.
â€œYeah. Anyway this is clearly just some sort of strange dream that I’m having or something.â€
â€œWell it’s the only logical explanation.â€
â€œWhat about this?â€ said the Devil.
â€œOh that’s clever,â€ said the Philosopher. â€œRats are actually eating away at my insides. I wonder why I’m not dead?â€
â€œPerhaps because you already are?â€ suggested the Devil with a sneer.
â€œNo no, that’s not it,â€ said the Philosopher. â€œI’d remember something as important as that. Oh I’ve got it. This is all just a delusion.â€
â€œDidn’t you already say this is all a dream?â€
â€œAh yes. But that’s because there’s a demon on my shoulder manipulating my senses. Descartes came up with it.â€
â€œOf course there’s a demon manipulating your senses,â€ snarled the Devil. â€œI’m that demon.â€
â€œSo you’re the one manipulating my senses?â€
â€œSo I can’t trust of anything I see. Ergo none of this can be real.â€
â€œWhat do you mean ‘none of this can be real’?â€
â€œWell it’s clear that I can’t trust my senses. So anything I may or may not be experiencing can only be happening to a body that I have no real connection with.â€
â€œOh yeah?â€ said the Devil.
â€œHuh, you have appeared to have turned me into a chicken,â€ said the Philosopher. â€œAnd yet for some reason I can still talk. Clearly my senses are at fault and I’m just imagining all of this.â€
â€œOh will you shut up about that already,â€ sighed the Devil. â€œWhat if this is all false and you’re being deceived? You’re still stuck here, aren’t you.â€
â€œNot quite. I don’t think I deserve to be in Hell.â€
â€œWell that’s not up to you, is it?â€
â€œWell who is it up to?â€ The Devil said nothing, staring at the Philosopher in disbelief.
â€œGod. Who else would it be?â€
â€œAh. But who put him in charge?â€
â€œHe’s God! He put himself in charge!â€
â€œYes, but someone might have created God.â€
â€œNo-one created God!â€
â€œThen where did he come from?â€
â€œWell he sort of, well, he created himself.â€
â€œHow does that possible work?â€
â€œHe’s God. He doesn’t have to follow your rules of science.â€
â€œAh science. Now there’s something I could debate the ethics about. But regardless, I think I’ve lived a good life. What’s the criteria for being sent down here?â€
â€œWell do you believe in God?â€
â€œThen there you go.â€
â€œWell that doesn’t seem to be fair, does it.â€
â€œFair. You want to complain about fair? I bring up one complaint with the system and try and help humanity and BAM. I get thrown out of Heaven like yesterday’s trash.â€
â€œWell I think that one’s personal beliefs shouldn’t have a say in what does or does not get people sent to Hell.â€
â€œTough luck mate. Guess you’re stuck here now.â€
â€œBut what if I do believe in God.â€
â€œYou just said you didn’t.â€
â€œIt’s never too late to convert. That’s what the people at my door kept saying before they, you know, got frustrated at the conversation and walked away. And I do believe in God now.â€
â€œOh you do, do you?â€
â€œWell I can hardly say I don’t. The evidence is uncontradictory.â€
â€œWait, are you now saying that this is all real.â€
â€œThat my eternal soul seems to be hanging around in Hell? Yes, yes it does.â€
â€œExcellent, we’re making progress,â€ said the Devil. There was an uncomfortable silence before the Devil added â€œUmm, most people get upset when I remove their manhood with a pair of rusty sharpened flaming pliers.â€
â€œYes but just because my soul is here doesn’t mean I’m going to feel any pain.â€
â€œWhat are you on about now?â€
â€œWell where is my body currently?â€
â€œI don’t know. Being lowered into a hole in the ground probably. Why?â€
â€œWell any physical pain that could hurt me must occur to my physical body in order for me to feel it. My soul is non-tangible, so anything you do do to me won’t be physical, ergo I won’t be able to feel it. Thus you can’t torture me because I don’t feel any pain.â€
â€œThere are other ways of torturing you,â€ sneered the Devil. â€œEver heard of Rebecca Black?â€
â€œOh mental torture can only go so far. If I have eternity down here, then eventually I’ll get use to anything you try to torture me with.â€
â€œBut it will be torture without end.â€
â€œAnd without beginning. I mean, how can you start to torture me when that would imply a passage of time, which doesn’t exist in a place like this. Thus you can’t constantly torture me since there’s no time to pass by to justify it.â€
â€œGod give me strength,â€ sighed the Devil.
â€œYou know, I would like to meet this chap,â€ said the Philosopher. â€œGive him a piece of my mind.â€
â€œThis God you now suddenly believe in?â€
â€œWell it’s very hard to deny the solid facts.â€
â€œSo because of the evidence you believe in God’s existence?â€
â€œIt’d be stupid not to.â€
â€œDoes it count in believing when you have the facts?â€
â€œI don’t see why not. People have believed in bigger stuff with fewer facts. I don’t see why it should be a matter.â€
â€œWhat makes you think I’ll be able to take you to see God? He kicked me out, remember.â€
â€œWhen? That implies a past, but eternity can’t have one.â€
â€œOh come on,â€ snarled the Devil. â€œI’ll take you to your precious ‘God’. Then will you shut up?â€
â€œWell how do we know there’s only one?â€
â€œWhy would there be more then one?â€
â€œPerhaps he couldn’t do everything, so he evened the load. Spread it out a bit, got the subcontractors in to look after Nature and War and all that.â€
â€œHe’s God. He’s in charge of everything.â€
â€œHe’s also All-Knowing, isn’t he?â€
â€œOf course he is. That’s what makes him God.â€
â€œSo knowing that you’d rebel, thus opening up Hell and sending innocent people into it, he still let it go ahead?â€
â€œWell, yes, I suppose.â€
â€œSo if he knew it was going to happen, why didn’t he try and prevent it.â€
â€œWell, because, he wanted it to happen.â€
â€œSo he knew you were going to rebel and rather then stop you, he chose to let you go ahead and then suffer. I don’t know if I want to meet this guy now.â€
â€œYeah he does sound like a bit of a jerk. I want to give him a piece of my mind.â€
â€œSo do I. Shall we go together?â€ The Devil nodded, the two figures instantaneously transporting up to Heaven. Or not, since there was no time in Heaven for it to be instantaneously in.
â€œOh, it’s you,â€ said St Peter. â€œI’m afraid he’s busy at the moment.â€
â€œBusy?â€ said the Philosopher. â€œHe’s God. He should have time to do everything, including talking to us.â€
â€œYeah well perhaps he doesn’t want to.â€
â€œWell that’s a shame,â€ said the Philosopher. â€œWell come along Lucifer old pal. We can spend the rest of eternity having deep philosophical debates. And time will never run out on them. Isn’t that great?â€
â€œOh no,â€ said the Devil. â€œI’ve had more then enough of you that I could stand. Give me a hellish wasteland away from God over having a conversation with you any day.â€
â€œBut surely there can only be one day in Hell, if eternity could even be seen as a ‘day’,â€ began the Philosopher, but the Devil was gone before he had a chance to start. St Peter let out a snigger.
â€œYou know, you really shouldn’t go down and taunt Lucifer like that,â€ said St Peter.
â€œWhat’s the point of being a Philosopher if you can’t have fun sometimes?â€ sniggered the man as he walked back into Heaven. It was good to be back home.
So there you have it. A rather long winded and rambley story designed merely to get me back into writing. If you disagree with anything, or have anything to add, feel free to leave a comment. Till next time.