Life as a Shitty Person
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Lately, I have been feeling a little uninspired by video making and the whole concept. I just think about making a video, trying to get people to watch it, and hoping to find a way to make money at that and just want to lose my mind. Do I have any joke or point in saying that? Fuck no. If anyone in the whole world was wondering why I haven’t produced a video lately, that is why. I recently vented all my frustration on a good friend and I feel really bad about that. I don’t know if he is reading this, but if he is, sorry I did that.

Now on to stuff that doesn’t have this tinge of seriousness and sadness and other crap that we badly don’t want to have thrown in our face by a pretentious asshole. Sick kids!! Shit. I was in a local fast food eatery the other day, and they had out a jar with a small child’s picture on it with a sob story about the child having a terrible, life-threatening disease. Jesus, how am I supposed to react to this? Should I pass by without dropping in a little change or a dollar? Am I that kind of shitty person? The only reason I get worked up about this at all is that I am an empathetic person, but I see these kinds of things everywhere. The level of emotional investment it would take to worry about all these children would probably completely destroy me. So, I have to callously skip this jar for little Cindy who has feline leukemia. (I am making that last part up.) Sure, if a friend or his kids had anything, I would be a lot more invested. They would get a card and like ten bucks, which is still close to shitty. It is kind of like, “So, you are about to incur tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills and potentially lose your life. That sucks. Here is a card expressing that emotion in flowery bullshit and ten dollars because that should really help with those five figure bills.” I know we have our limits as people. We have to deal with our crap, our families’ crap, community crap, and there is just a limit, but I feel bad every time I hear about little Cindy with feline leukemia. I can’t really do anything about it. I am not a millionaire who can start a foundation or someone with infinite time to go hold little Cindy’s hand, so I just hope for the best for little Cindy and also that someone figures out how in the fuck she got feline leukemia.

On a far less tragic note, my car broke down a week and a half ago while I was on my way to Lincoln, Nebraska for a little family time. I had no idea why it happened at the time. I just know the car would not run right and then completely let me down on the highway. Shit. I had to get two guys help me push the damn thing off to the side. While I am messing with it and thanking those great guys who were good enough to help me, I managed to lock the keys in the car. At this point, my day was ruined. My uncles came out and got me. We went to the family gathering that I was completely useless at due to worry, went back out, got the car towed, and several hundred dollars later, I was able to drive home on Monday. At the time, none of this was funny. It was just maniacal in how wrong shit was going. This felt like a major personal tragedy and it wasn’t shit. It was nothing. The logical part of my brain was desperately trying to convince the emotional side of my brain of this fact the entire weekend as I went through it, but would that bitch listen? Hell no. My emotional side decided to go ape shit. I couldn’t even begin to lessen the panic. As a result, I didn’t really contribute in a positive way to my family’s gathering. The one really good thing was that as I stood on the side of the road, a lot of people slowed to ask me if I needed help. I worked it out on my phone, so I didn’t need help, but it was a very positive affirmation about people who clearly aren’t as shitty as me. Hell, one of the guys who helped me push it off stopped by again on his back past to check on me. That is an awesome person and I can take that away. Everyone who I was involved with the ordeal was very cool and nice from my family to the mechanic to the tow guy.

Finally, I had my chance to be okay and a little less shitty. My friend wanted to borrow my mower. I said “Yes!” It isn’t curing Cindy’s feline leukemia or not being shitty in the face of the most simple of inconveniences, but it was a considerate thing to do. So, I want to take that away. I feel like a really wretched person some days, but I can try. Life is hard. No shit. We all know, and we are all going to feel really terrible at times about the way we are. That said, just do your best. I am going to do mine. Will I always be good? Fuck no. I am just not that altruistic, but I can lend out my mower or come give a friend a ride or whatever.

Cindy’s feline leukemia is still better than a soul patch.

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