Random Things Said Randomly

I was debating about what personal and potentially embarrassing topic I should write my blog about this week. I couldn’t think of anything. That’s right. You people know everything there is to know about me and have nothing else to learn. (Yes, it is bullshit, but it sounds good.) So instead, I thought I would talk about some things I have noticed lately. You know. It is a bunch of crap you probably don’t care about, but here it is.

I was buying yogurt at the grocery store. I like to have one with my lunch at work every night, and one of my favorite flavors is Boston cream pie. It tastes great with a little granola. However, my strange mind focused on something the container said. “Artificially flavored.” Really? No shit. How would something that tastes like a Boston cream pie be naturally flavored. Have you seen a lot of Boston cream pie trees? That actually sounds kind of awesome. (Like I said, weird mind.) In the fall, when that shit bloomed, you would be the most popular person on your block. Horticulture classes at the local college would change a lot too. It would no longer be a bunch of hippies looking to grow cucumbers and kale, but a lot of fat asses wanting to start a whole grove of Boston cream pie trees. I can’t imagine it qualifying as a vegetable though.

I also purchased orange juice. Do you buy liquids? Water, milk, soda, and so forth? How do most of them come? They come in glass or plastic containers. Orange juice comes in a cardboard box. What the fuck? Have you tried to pour water in a cardboard box and keep it there? It isn’t going to work. That shit will break down fast. I can just imagine the meetings of the orange juice growers clear back when. The big man stood up and said, “Okay boys, we have this super awesome natural drink. How do we send it to the people?” Hiram (I am just throwing that name out there. It doesn’t matter.) stood up and said, “Cardboard boxes.” The big boss immediately retorted, “Shit Hiram, won’t that be hard?” Hiram replied, “Yeah, but no one else does it.” A man in the back stood up and screamed, “Because it is fucking stupid.” The big boss had already decided he liked the idea, so he advocated and ran with it. The perfectly reasonable man who called it stupid was drug out, killed, and used to fertilize the orange grove. That, dear children, is how orange juice ended up in cardboard boxes.

I have my pick-up serviced the other day. Oil changed, tires kicked, and change stolen. My pick-up is eighteen years old. The lady who took my money for the service pointed out that many things on the vehicle are starting to wear down. Holy shit! An eighteen year old vehicle is in bad shape. Who knew? Luckily, I kept all these thoughts to myself. I have no problem with being a smart ass, but even I have my limits. I mean, god damn, the lady was just trying to be nice, and I have just received a fine service from the business. Why be an ass? The moral of the story, keep it to yourself sometimes. Every thought we have isn’t clever. Sometimes it just being a dick.

I need to stop watching Pawn Stars. I don’t like much reality TV, but I sure do like junk and antiques. To this point in life, I have managed to avoid buying much crap that would just take up space in my house, but the more I watch this show, the more I want some of this shit. Especially, the antique books. They had a first addition Mark Twain on here one day, with a signature. Holy shit would that be cool, but I know I don’t need to waste the money or the space.

Also, soul patches are still stupid. I don’t feel like I can stress this point enough. Clearly, people who have been reading these know that I can.

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