Zenon 3 Review
Theme song by Brian Setzer and owned by Walt Disney Records
You know the drill
Oh boy!!!!! I’ve hit the wall guys. After being utterly destroyed by the Zequel the finale to the Zenon trilogy goes out in a horrifying fashion. If you thought the Zequel was bad and dumb this is about 10 times worse and is even dumber!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s so bad that I actually didn’t and couldn’t finish watching it! So I’ll only tell you what I know and I’m sure only 2 words will scare you away, but I’ll save that for later!
The story of this miserable failure begins with Zenon and Commander Plank (now her uncle) instructing Zenon on how to get her mini space craft license. Yeah because in the first two films technology couldn’t reach the point where those kinds of ships could be used only shuttles could make the trip!!!! CONTINUITY ANYBODY!!!!!!!! Anyway you know the movie is lost when the whole plot is centered on a sports competition. You have all the stereotypes, the underdogs, the cocky jerk obsessed with winning yada yada yada. Zenon Margie and some girl we don’t know ( yet the movie expects us to) named I forget and I don’t care enter the competition where a bunch of events are taking place and also to commemorate the grand opening of this resort on the moon. Anyway Zenon meets this activist who is against colonizing the moon and doesn’t adequately bring up any practical points on why the colonization and the resort shouldn’t happen. Seriously how can you be an activist regarding this when you’re only argument is “It’s wrong” and I mean that literally that’s all he really says other than putting up signs against it. I mean I agree with him, but he’s so dumb he can’t create any arguments that have merit!!!!! Now to his credit when he has his first conversation with Zenon he does give better explanations, but no real practicality on why it’s stupid to colonize the moon. Here’s mine.

Colonizing the moon is stupid because it just seems like unnecessary progress. Progress that is only implemented to boost our egos and boasting that we have no limits only to have natural disasters prove us wrong so yes philosophically it’s wrong. Also there is no real resource on the moon for us to economically exploit! It’s a wasteland!!!!! Also since this is a tourist destination where people on Earth want to be comfortable and spoiled that means food and supplies have to be regularly shipped from Earth to the resort. This isn’t like the Space Station that can cultivate its own food and be self sufficient the guests don’t want that kind of food like on the station they want the same ones on Earth! Sorry about the confusion with resort and colony. It’s not really a colony it’s more of a company wanting to build a resort and entertainment center on the moon for the contest and most likely is a permanent settlement. Also is there any real habitable terrain on the Moon? It has very uneven mountainous and crater filled terrain. Even when we landed there in 1969 we barely found a safe place to land it was only Neal Armstrong’s pilot instincts and pure luck that he was able to find that safe area to land. So how would you build a resort????!!!!! The sheer costs of building the resort by clearing the land and construction in Space conditions as well as the supplies shipped in and the maintenance would BANKRUPT THIS COPMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEREFORE IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE IN TERMS OF RESOURCES, PRACTICALITY, AND ECONOMICALLY!!!!! PLUS IT’S PHILOSOPHICALLY WRONG!!!!!! See? I made a much better argument than that doofus in this movie!!!!!!!!!
Also since there are no such things as Constitutional Rights in this movie the activist is arrested for protesting!!!!!!!!
There’s also a new element introduced Zenon has a cousin since Commander Plank and Aunt Judy have adopted a child!!!!!!!!! Why???????? Because since Margie is Zenon’s friend someone had to take her place as the annoying one in the movie!!!!!!!! Her name is Dasha and she completely idolizes Zenon and she dresses like Zenon, talks like Zenon and that is unhealthy and creepy. Seriously Commander Plank why would you do that to Zenon? And more importantly why would you do that to us the audience????????!!!!!!!!! No offense to the actress I’m sure she’s a nice person and everything, but the character Dasha is basically Zenon 10 times more annoying with none of the charm of Kirsten Storms.
Okay I stopped at the point where everybody gets to the moon and all the contestants have been having weird dreams about being on the moon and then I AM NOT JOKING HERE A MOON GODDESS SHOWS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME REPEAT THAT A MOON GODDESS SHOWS UP AND IS PISSED ABOUT THE RESPRT AND CAUSES WEATHER ANOMALIES ON EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After that scene I proceeded to search for something else on Youtube. I thought Zenon the Zequel was insulting, but this left that film in the dust! We went from insurance fraud to aliens to Moon Goddess!!!!!!!!!  There is only one way to respond to this and that is this!
 No No Wait!! I think we need Tommy Lee Jones’s Help Here!
I’m done folks that’s it!!!!!! I’m not even giving a verdict on this movie!!!!!!! It sucks that bad!!!!!!!!!

Join me next time where we go from unspeakably terrible to lackluster in Phantom of the Megaplex!

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