Zenon: The Zequel Review

Theme Song by Brian Setzer and owned by Walt Disney Records

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=dsuimKhDPRQ&x-yt-ts=1422579428&x-yt-cl=85114404

Make Me Enjoy A Bad Movie Will You Disney Channel? The name of the song is my response!

I really don’t want to do this folks! I enjoyed the first Zenon! The villain plot was dumb, but everything else was okay! This commits all of the sequel sins! Not only that but it is insultingly DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There are so many things wrong and I probably won’t get to all of them, but I’ll try! The structure of this review is going to be different! No Story section or Character section because let’s face it there’s no point! But I will say that I finally get to use my stock of awesome Disney FACEPALMS!!!!!!!!!! Let’s get this over with!

LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE SO DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. First off it’s the simple off screen breakup between Zenon and Greg. The scene begins basically with Zenon ending a video chat and tells Nebula that Greg broke up with her. I know it’s a disposable teenage romance, but come on Greg was a vital part to the enjoyment of the first one and impacted Zenon in a great way and now he’s gone!!!!! Shame on you!!!! It’s extremely lazy and is a cliché of sequels!
  1. The next problem I have is the TERRIBLE recasting of certain characters whose original actors couldn’t come back for whatever reason. Nebula and the Father and the Mother were recast! If you remember the Father was one of my favorite characters and now he’s replaced by someone who didn’t even try to emulate the performance that defined the character!
  1. The plot is just DUMB!!!!!!!! Okay so here’s the plot summary. After a rip off of Star Wars and Flash Gordon crawls a few years have gone by since Zenon saved the station. Apparently the damage caused by Wyndam has caused the station to go very far out of orbit that the station is potentially unsafe and could crash to Earth and possibly burn up on reentry. So with this impending danger and Wyndcom as a company collapsed the military decides to pick up the station and deal with the problem. So the people aboard aren’t too thrilled and see the military as a threat even when they could have easily left you alone to die when the station crashes!!!!!!!!!! The military’s solution is simply to scrub the station altogether by relocating the populace to Earth (the oh so horrible Earth) and launch the station sections into space and pretty much break it down. Now for some dumb reason Zenon is given all access to the station just because she saved the station. You’re giving a minor access to even the most sensitive of areas!!!!!!!! Oh boy!!! So she messes with some controls in a normally restricted area and thinks she made a new game when in reality it’s actually Pong!!!!!! Zenon doesn’t stop to think that this actually controls something particularly important and continues to play. While playing Pong with Nebula the audience sees that the levers that block the balls are actually airlock doors in Commander Plank’s office! So the airlock doors to his office constantly open and close and Commander Plank’s personal effects are sucked into the vacuum of space and as Plank steps into his office barely avoids getting killed!!!!!!  After Plank rightfully punishes Zenon by taking away her privileges not that she earned all of them in the first place he sends her down into the Signal room where Zenon does the station’s version of community service by being on monitor duty. The Signal room is basically where deep space communications are set up so that if aliens send a signal they can record the signal. The Signal room is run by an eccentric gadget geek (my favorite character in the film) named Orion and he gets Zenon going. Zenon after awhile gets a signal that is clearly odd. No one believes her of course and gets another signal and again no one believes her! She’s now the laughing stock of the station. To add insult to injury when the general of the military squad sent up to the station arrives he asks Zenon to basically be the babysitter of his daughter Margie the bully from the first film!!!!!! Can you just say CONTRIVANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay it gets worse!!!!!!!!!

Margie from the first film was a complete brat, selfish, arrogant, and vain with no redeeming factors. And that’s exactly what she is in this film! Margie has her father wrapped around her little thumb and she’s completely spoiled! Anyway she blackmails Zenon into doing what she wants because she has her father wrapped around her little thumb and she’ll have Zenon’s family reassigned to Earth and Zenon doesn’t want that even though she learned to respect Earth in the first movie don’t you love it when sequels destroy previous character development? Anyway Zenon goes through the motions until the alien signals that conveniently no one else sees contact her in impossible ways, this time Zenon shows Orion and he admits that it is worth investigating. Since the alien signals clearly say the phrase “Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!” which is the beginning of the chorus to Supernova Girl.  Zenon makes the assumption that these aliens are fans of Protozoa and want to meet him!!!!! No I’m not making that up!!!!!!!!! That is so dumb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aliens want to make official contact with the humans and they want to have the human ambassador be a rock star that has lost inspiration and challenge and has secluded himself on a private hideaway!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS SO DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zenon sneaks back to Earth to find Protozoa so he can meet the Aliens God did I really just say that? As if this movie couldn’t get any worse Margie sneaks to Earth with Zenon and being an evil human being she leaves a message for the General that Zenon kidnapped her with an absolutely unconvincing message that obviously the general believes and wastes military resources aka our tax dollars to apprehend Zenon and rescue Margie when there’s no evidence except Margie’s good for nothing word to support it! He goes so far as to send ground units and putting Zenon’s friends and family under house arrest and interrogation that violate so many Constitutional rights then again the fascist bill called the Patriot Act is still in effect. Anyway Zenon miraculously finds out where Protozoa is and takes Margie along with her. They easily sneak onto the property by going through an unlocked fence!!!!!!!!! Really movie??????????!!!!!!!!!! Anyway they find Protozoa. Protozoa being awesome and sensible says that the plan to meet the aliens is ridiculous. Zenon and Margie play to his ego and convince him to come along under the idea that he’ll be the first rock star and human being to personally talk to aliens. The army chases them and Orion busts Zenon’s mom out of house arrest so she can fly the shuttle to pick up Zenon, Margie and Protozoa. They get into space and meet the aliens as it turns out the Aliens merely used the “Zoom, Zoom, Zoom” phrase to try and communicate the fact that they’re out of power and their navigation systems are messed up and they need help getting home NOT TO MEET PROTOZOA although a 4 year old could have figured that out. The aliens get the help they need and in return repair the station by putting back all the pieces that were launched into space and returning the station into its rightful orbit which means everyone can go back to the station and the problem has been solved. It ends with Protozoa doing a concert and it ends!!!!!!!

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. THIS PLOT IS DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s extremely insulting in every way shape and form. Don’t give me any of that “It’s a kid’s movie” crap because even as a kid I didn’t like the conflict I just wanted to see Protozoa and the other returning cast. The conflict with the military is so contrived and stupid it’s just insulting in every single way and really, aliens want to meet a rockstar????????? UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Let me elaborate on something the military being up there and taking care of the problem caused by Wyndam I like because it gives an explanation why no one was laid off after Wyndcom collapsed and that Earth cares about them. Now the military dismantles the station because of the danger of being out of orbit and getting certain people to Earth to safety. In a video feed that Zenon finds she eavesdrops on a meeting with the General and he says that the problem was worse than anticipated and that if the station isn’t dismantled the station will crash to Earth and since they don’t want to start a panic they’ll slowly but surely increase the relocation of the crew and dismantle more sectors. How does Zenon take this? She thinks the army is the villain that they are destroying her precious space station!!!!!!!! THE ARMY IS TRYING TO HELP YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is a real danger in the station. The station isn’t safe and can’t be repaired with at least human technology so General’s just doing what must be done! The movie throws this whole “IT’S OUR HOME!!!” bull crap but as I said their home isn’t safe anymore!!!!!
  2. As if this movie couldn’t get any worse this movie has the nerve to give the idiotic “Margie’s a bully because she doesn’t have any friends bull crap”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After all she’s done to Zenon and caused all this bull crap with her father “she just needed friends” AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  1. The sheer insulting contrived conflict with the military is the worst crime of this film. If the conflict is insulting like this then the whole film fails.
  1. Now for the things that I genuinely like about the film. One is the character of Orion. He’s an interesting and quirky character that is knowledgeable and actually helps the other dimwits in this movie. Another is obviously Protozoa. He is still awesome even though this movie completely under utilizes him and shoehorns him into the movie for no real reason other than to have Protozoa in the movie, but he is a welcome distraction from the crap! I also like the song he sings. It’s not as good as Supernova Girl but it’s quite good!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-ts=1422579428&x-yt-cl=85114404&v=x3-5XxXse5g&feature=player_embedded

You should all know the verdict by now. This movie sucks!

Verdict: 1.9 alien signals out of 5

Stay tuned next time where things get EVEN WORSE with 2004s Zenon 3 or Z3!

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