So…this is it. I might as well get this over with.

The woman, whom I am going to call Number Two, sees Number Three dead in the sex room. She reasons that the body was not dead and The Caretaker orders her to kill the fake dead woman. Number Two enters the sex room and Mayumi lunges at her from her hiding spot right next to the entrance. She grabs Number Two’s shotgun, but Number Two grabs her gun as well, so that Mayumi ends up shooting four times and missing. Hamazaki, genius that he is, listens for the shots that Mayumi takes and counts them. Mayumi and Number Two simultaneously kick each other in the stomach and fall to the floor. Number Two shoots at her Mayumi, but Mayumi dodges and jumps up in the air. She shoots Number Two three times in her vest. The two point their guns at each other. Mayumi shoots Number Two in the head and Number Two shoots Mayumi in the…shoulder? I don’t care much for this fight. Aside from being half the length of the previous one, there was way too much of the women doing the same thing at the same time. Maybe there was a thematic purpose to that, but it seemed too cutesy. In any case, Mayumi is bleeding out more and has shot eight bullets already. Somehow, Hamazaki heard that eighth shot alongside Number Two’s shotgun. I don’t know whether The Mastermind counted on Mayumi getting shot at any point, but the timeline has to be moved up a bit.

Mayumi is having serious trouble getting up and has to drag herself to the corpse of Number Two. She searches the vest and finds a knife. She cuts off part of her hair and uses it to…stop the bleeding from her shoulder? I don’t know; maybe it is some medically accurate thing regarding balance. Whoever made this movies seems to be hung up on that stuff. Whatever she does, it enables her to stand up and walk again, sort of. That whole hair-cutting sequence takes up about forty seconds.

Using some fancy telescope-type thing that may have eaten up much of the budget, he sees Hamazaki’s bodyguards driving towards The Room. Okay…so, it has been four minutes and forty seconds in movie time since they left their location to get to The Room. Their location was probably not much more than five kilometers away if they were smart. Let’s say that they were to reach The Room by the five minute mark. That would mean that they had been driving around one kilometer a minute or sixty kilometers an hour. That means that they were driving approximately thirty-eight miles per hour. Thirty-eight miles per hour. An alternative explanation could be that they had stationed themselves further back than necessary for some weird reason. In either case, it does not really matter, since they do not actually get to The Room by the five minute mark. Instead, the movie shows a montage of The Mastermind trying to get to their vehicle and cursing his busted leg. So, it is anyone’s guess how much time has passed. These three guards are incompetent.

Just as The Mastermind is hobbling about outside, Mayumi is hobbling about inside, leaning against a wall because she is tired and has lost way too much blood. Well, she has not necessarily lost all of it, a whole bunch is right there covering her entire body now. Apparently, fifteen minutes have passed, and Mayumi is seeing flashes of white, even whiter than almost everything in The Room.

The bodyguards are STILL on their way. The Mastermind has picked some random stop on the way to make his stand. Without bothering to take cover, he pulls out that Assassin gun and shoots right into the vehicle. Rich as Hamazaki may have been, he did not seem to invest in bulletproof glass. The bodyguard at the wheel is shot in the head. One of the two remaining bodyguards gets out, does a roll on the ground, and shoots The Mastermind in the…torso?

Mayumi is still seeing flashes as The Caretaker sneaks up behind her, wearing some sort of armor and a protective helmet? Mayumi does a summersault and shoots The Caretaker four times in his body armor. One bullet left.

The second bodyguard had not, for some reason, immediately aimed at The Mastermind to make his kill shot. Maybe he could not see The Mastermind through the telescope and “briefly” looked up from it as he was reloading? Mortally wounded as he is, The Mastermind manages to shoot the second bodyguard dead before the guy can line up the shot like he should have done.

The final bodyguard, showing an utter lack of professionalism and loyalty, gets in the driver’s seat and drives off. The Mastermind tries to shoot the last bodyguard, but he dies of his wounds before he can. This means that the last bodyguard could have killed him or just waited him out before going on to help Hamazaki, instead of turning around and driving back.

This also means two other things. In universe, there were only ever three bodyguards. There is no imagining that there could be three dozen. There are just three. And their level of competence is unquestionably low. Why hire so many bodyguards and bring so few along to such a risk place? That makes no sense. This also means that The Mastermind really could have simply hired a few hitmen and had them kill Hamazaki and his bodyguards. Maybe not even all of his bodyguards; just kill two of them and the third would simply ditch him. In that slow-driving vehicle. And he might not have died before Hamazaki did. All of these years of planning and torture were unnecessary. He was doing it because he was crazy, not because it was the only way. Perhaps this was meant to be a commentary about how the quest for vengeance drives people to have thoughts that are crazy, irrational, and just plain stupid. Yet, The Driver and The Assassin overestimated the bodyguards as well for some dumb reason, and they came to that same wrongheaded assessment independent of each other. So everyone is crazy and/or an idiot. The other thing is that Mayumi, the titular gun woman, has absolutely no interaction with these bodyguards. The Mastermind kills two of them and the last one drives away. And it was not even an impressive gun battle either. Why couldn’t they have made it to The Room and confront Mayumi?

Well, Mayumi is still fighting with The Caretaker and she has used up twelve bullets already. In a sequence that probably ate up the rest of the movie’s budget, Mayumi fires her thirteenth shot and it travels in slow motion into the barrel of The Caretaker’s shotgun. The resulting explosion blows off The Caretaker’s hands and half of his face. He is dead.

Hamazaki counts thirteen bullets and walks out of his room. He finds Mayumi sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall. He states that Mayumi’s gun held only thirteen bullets and she is out of ammunition. Somehow, he guessed that she did not bring a second magazine with her, which would be a risky assumption to make. He drops the knife on the floor and slowly walks up to her, laughing and slapping his thighs.

Suddenly, Mayumi opens her mouth to reveal a bullet on her tongue. Apparently, The Mastermind slipped that into her mouth when he kissed her during the operation. Well, not the time that we saw; there was definitely no bullet there. So he must have kissed her at least twice. With that question of continuity resolved, how in the world did she not swallow that bullet or choke on it? Was it stuck to the side of her mouth or something? She was heaving and wheezing and shouting and screaming and squeaking and there is no way that she could have kept that away from her throat regardless of any self-discipline that she may have had. This is so stupid. A second magazine would have made more sense. Plus, it would have been more awesome. She could have dealt with those other bodyguards even had she been bleeding out. In any case, Mayumi manages to put the bullet into the gun before Hamazaki can do anything. She then says “fourteen”, the only actual word that she has said throughout the entire film. She then shoots Hamazaki in the head.

Now, there was nothing in the deal with The Mastermind saying that Mayumi had to come out with proof that Hamazaki was dead. The helper could have gone inside to check. It would have been a very quick check. If the helper found that Hamazaki was alive or not there, then Mayumi would have been killed. If Hamazaki or one of the staff members killed the helper, then would have died eventually. But, Mayumi decided to take the time and effort, while still bleeding out, to CUT OFF HAMAZAKI’S HEAD and walk outside with it. What did she use to cut off the head? That knife? Surely, there were no big swords or scissors lying around or else she could have used those to kill someone. In fact, why didn’t she try to find a knife to use as a weapon, since there were obviously a few lying around? There is no fingerprint authentication technology for knives.

The Mastermind had assured Mayumi that she would be safe once she got outside, but she spends quite a bit of time (around a minute of movie time, but longer in the story) walking and walking until she finds to corpse of The Mastermind. Whether she had known that she would find him dead is…not important; what is important is that she took the time, the effort, and the blood to deliver Hamazaki’s severed head to him. She lies down next to him, seemingly prepared to die.

It is at about this time that a van pulls up. Finally. The helper comes out, wearing some sort of HAZMAT suit. Why? No one else seemed to care about the nuclear waste.

Before I go on, I should point out that the van came from a different direction from Mayumi. This means that either Mayumi wandered around and passed The Mastermind at least once or that the helper was situated further down the way. If the latter is the case, then that means that Mayumi’s safety was not assured when she exited The Room. Nevermind that she was walking naked and badly injured through a nuclear waste facility, there was nothing standing between the site and the bodyguards except for The Mastermind. I am not saying that he lied; I am saying that he failed to account for this variable. Had the third bodyguard simply kept driving to the site instead of turning around like a coward, Mayumi would have been an easy target. Where was this guy that he did not pick her up immediately when she exited The Room?

Anyways…this helper puts Mayumi into the back of the van, checks The Mastermind’s pulse, and takes his gun. Some friend. Without even wiping the blood or dirt off of Mayumi’s arm, the helper sticks in a needle and performs what may be one of the least sterile blood transfusions ever. He then takes off the mask that he had been wearing for some reason. Plot Twist: it is The Assassin. Way to tie the two threads together. And he still did not seem to put The Mastermind’s body into the van.

Second Plot Twist. The Driver pulls a gun on The Assassin (while still driving the car in city traffic) and says that he took this job to find the helper. The Driver demands to know where she is, but The Assassin responds only by asking who hired him, since the Hamazaki Conglomerate would not care. Apparently, Hamazaki the younger also had a son, and this son hired The Driver to take his revenge. The Driver seems to think that it is funny that Hamazaki (’s son) had a son, like this is some sort of cosmic irony that one of the women that the man had had sex with managed to live to give birth. In any case, he demands to know where Mayumi is. The Assassin gives in, but says that they should find someplace quiet to talk. So they drive some more. For some reason, The Assassin does not wait for them to hit heavy traffic or a stoplight and simply shoot The Driver.

They drive into some warehouse and both get out of the car. The Driver points his gun at The Assassin and asks where “Gun Woman” is. Suddenly, he gets shot twice. Third Plot Twist. Standing behind The Assassin, and on top of a bunch of containers, is Mayumi. She is still aiming the gun at The Driver when she is revealed, so there is no indication that she had been hiding when she shot him. So she was clearly in his line of vision, unless he could not see above his own eyebrows. Fourth Plot Twist. Mayumi was The Assassin’s extraction point. This suggests that The Driver could have met Mayumi without using force. So all of those threats were pointless. Fifth Plot Twist. The Mastermind was the doctor of The Assassin’s son. The son had a 5% chance of survival of…whatever, but The Mastermind cured him, and you would never know that he had been sick at all.

As he lies dying, The Driver asks who the last hit was. The Assassin repeats that it was a job a friend of his had left unfinished. Sixth Plot Twist. She was the third bodyguard who had so unprofessionally driven away instead of aiding her boss. The Driver tries to point his gun at…well, it doesn’t matter, because he dies before he can do anything.

The Assassin walks up to the stack of containers that Mayumi is standing on and he asks whether she needs a job. She gives him the finger. The end. Oh wait, no. There is a stinger in the credits where Mayumi returns to the man who sold her to The Mastermind and shoots him. Maybe the whore factory was in Las Vegas and that is why she was there? And there is promise that Gun Woman will return.

So…that was Gun Woman. Tomorrow, I will post my attempt to make heads or tails of this movie…and then perhaps never speak of it again.

By Some Jerk From Boston

I make words fall from my brain into your eye holes. I also make swear words with my mouth that attack your ears. I like me. Twitter: @SomeJerkFB

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