Lion King Christmas and An Action Star Christmas (Gift for Jashykins)
Warning: The following 2 movies that are about to be reviewed donâ€™t exist. Take these reviews with a grain of salt
We all love Disney. We can all name our favorite Disney movie, our favorite Disney song, our favorite Disney princess, our favorite ride at Disneyworld, our favorite Disney anything!
But Disney is not perfect. For one thing, like every studio, they have a tendency to milk any movie they make for all itâ€™s worth! And A Lion King Christmas has to be the worst thing theyâ€™ve ever done to milk a franchise!
What can I say about A Lion King Christmas? Well, the plot is fairly generic! I mean, this is the plot: Scar and the hyenas hate that they get coal every Christmas so they trap Santa and he ends up getting a broken leg. Now itâ€™s up to Mufasa and Simba to deliver the presents and save Christmas!
Really, Disney?! Really?! Could you come up with a more generic plot?! Come on, Disney, please come up with a plot that takes more than 5 minutes to come up with!
But, the generic plot isnâ€™t what makes this special bad. Oh no! There are far worse things in this special than the damn plot!
Remember how beautiful the animation of the movie was?! Well, say bye to the beautiful animation because the whole thing is an animatic! They didnâ€™t bother coloring ANYTHING in, which just shows how obvious it is that they rushed through the production of the special so they could capitalize on The Lion Kingâ€™s success ASAP! It doesnâ€™t help that the special came out THE EXACT SAME YEAR AS THE MOVIE!
And remember the good voice acting from the movie? Well, despite the fact that the whole cast, except for Jeremy Irons, came back, everyone sounds bored! Also, you may be wondering how they got Matthew Broderick and Moira Kelly back when this special takes place when Mufasa was alive, ergo it takes place when Simba and Nala were cubs? Well, guess what?! The voice actors for Simba and Nala take turns playing the characters! Yeah, these twoâ€™s voices constantly change throughout the special, sounding like children one minute and sounding like adults the next! Oh and you know who they got to replace Jeremy Irons? Seth MacFarlane! So, throughout the special, Scar sounds like Stewie! Stewie!
But how about the new voice actors? Well, they got Sean Connery and Kathy Bates as Santa and Mrs. Clause, which sounds promising. Unfortunately, they both give in phoned performances. Sean actually gives a worse performance here than he did in Sir Billi, which I didnâ€™t even think was possible! Also, Kathy Batesâ€™ performance is about as phoned in as the others and, I swear, all of her dialogue is made up of sex puns.
But then there are Adam Sandler and Pauly Shore as the two Timon and Pumbaa-esque elves, Jingle and Jangle! And if you thought these two were annoying in their live action movies, this special wonâ€™t convince you otherwise. Pauly Shore gives his usual performance but Adam Sandler puts on the Whitey voice for the character of Jingle!
But you want to know what the worst thing about Jingle and Jangle is? Besides the fact that, I swear, they have personalities that are a cross between their voice actorâ€™s film personas and Timon and Pumbaa? One thing-The Wrap Rap. Yes, in this special, Adam Sandler, using his Whitey voice btw, and Pauly Shore rap! And this rap has the most inane lyrics, lyrics so inane they put the songs of Oogieloves to shame! Hereâ€™s a sample:
Do you want something for your bitches and hoâ€™s?
Something thatâ€™ll please the girlâ€™s and boâ€™s?
If you want something for the holidays,
Then listen to us, hear us say
Itâ€™s the wrap rap!
Itâ€™s the wrap rap!
Itâ€™s the wrap rap!
Itâ€™s the wrap rap!
Whatâ€™s even worse is this is the only song in the entire movie! Yeah, they only have one song and itâ€™s nowhere near the quality of the first movieâ€™s soundtrack! Itâ€™s not even as good as Hakuna Matata and I personally find that song overrated!
Oh and the writing is just terrible in general. Scar is even whinier and more immature than he was when he became king-hell, the movie begins with him whining about getting coal from Santa! Itâ€™s like they confused Scarâ€™s entire personality with only his behavior when everyone was complaining about how bad of a king he was or they were confusing his personality with Prince Johnâ€™s! It doesnâ€™t help that he now sounds like Stewie. And, if that isnâ€™t bad enough, after trapping Santa, you never see him or the hyenas again! Yeah, he doesnâ€™t get any comeuppance and is never seen again! That doesnâ€™t make him feel like a plot device whatsoever! And can I ask why Timon and Pumbaa are there? In this movie, they somehow know and work for Mufasa-why break continuity just to have them in the special? Especially when you already have Timon and Pumbaa rip-offâ€™s in your special? Doesnâ€™t that make them pointless? Especially when they donâ€™t do anything besides crack jokes?
Now, youâ€™re probably wondering why youâ€™ve never heard of this special-Iâ€™ll tell you; after the special, Disney released a teaser trailer for Pocahontas. In the trailer, there was a subliminal message that made everyone who watched the special forget what they saw. Then they took the only copy of the special and burned it, ridding the world of this awful special!
Or so they thoughtâ€¦
As it turns out, someone taped A Lion King Christmas and, when they were doing some cleaning around the house, found their copy and uploaded it to Youtube. But Disney took it down for copyright infringement. But I managed to watch the special on Youtube before they took it down. And now I will have to change my entire identity so they donâ€™t find me and hunt me down! So, I might not create another blog for a while. You probably wouldnâ€™t notice anyway, I hardly blog in the first place!
But before I do that, let me review An Action Starâ€™s Christmas, another Christmas special so bad that the creators burned the copy and made sure people forgot it!
What is so bad about this special? Itâ€™s Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van-Damme, and Dolph Lundgren singing Christmas songs for an hour! Thatâ€™s all! And their terrible at singing these songs-seriously, I wouldnâ€™t be surprised if people went deaf when they watched this special! The only tolerable part is when Bruce Willis sings O Christmas Tree-that was actually OK. Everyone else? Never sing again!
Oh, and if you want to know, the studio who made this pretty much put a subliminal message over the credits that made everyone forget it then burned the copy. And then the same thing happened with Lion King-someone taped it and put it on Youtube only for it to be taken down for copyright infringement.
Now, if you excuse me, Iâ€™m going to run and hopefully dodge cops!