Hello and welcome to In Too Deep, where I over-analyse a certain section of pop culture.

The Simpsons. One of the longest running animated shows of all time, if not one of the few longest running shows of all time period. It has a range of characters that are unique and odd, with no two being the same. Some have even had episodes to star in of their very own. But what about those that haven’t? What are their backstories. Well join me as I come up with six random backstories for Simpsons characters that have never had a chance to shine.

6)Duffman: Believe it or not, Duffman is actually a real superhero that just pretends to be a corporate mascot to throw people off. He has the ability to replicate his body and appear in several places simultaneously. Even if he ‘dies’, the clone of him will go on as if it’s the same person. As Duffman said himself: “Duffman can never die.” True he also added “Only the actor that plays him. Oh Yeah!”, but that was just to throw people off his scent. He gains his superpower through the use of Duff, which he carries around with him all the time. Imagine him as Popeye of the beer-drinking world. And that’s why he’s placed number six.

5)Kearney Zzyzwicz: Now some people think it’s odd that a guy that seems to be way older then a kid (since he has a kid of his own) can still be stuck in the fourth grade. Some say he just looks younger then he really is, his real age being in his late thirties/early forties. However my theory is this: Kearney is the son of Duffman. He too has the cloning ability, but only enough to make one small kid version of himself that came from a freak accident. As such he claims that the clone is his ‘son’, to throw off suspicion. Kearney himself is failed Duffman clone, Duffman’s reproduction mechanism meaning he can only implant imperfect copies of himself within women. So Kearney too is a superhero.

4)Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Isn’t it odd that he seems to have a variety of odd jobs, but never seems to stay at them for very long. Also isn’t it odd that he doesn’t seem to have a name beyond just being the ‘squeaky-voiced teen’. Well that’s because he’s actually a secret agent, masquerading undercover in a guise that no-one would ever suspect. His goal is to try and get close to the ultimate mastermind, the number one person. As such he takes these menial jobs in order to get a closer understanding of his target and learn more about him. Squeaky-Voiced Teen, ultimate spy.

3)Bumblebee Man: Left dazed and confused after an explosion, his memories are faulty and all he can remember is wearing a bumblebee suit. Fortunately he manages to get a job on a TV station getting hurt in various ways, while at the same time trying to work out who he is and how he ended up wearing the bumblebee suit. As he continued on his way he was taken in by a nice Spanish woman, but after destroying her house he vowed never to take the suit off again. So he spends his days trying to work out just who in the world is the real Bumblebee Man.

2)Herman: The one armed man that seems to have a grudge against the world. While canonically they say his arm was lost when he stuck it out of the bus window, the real reason is much darker and mysterious. He was actually the mentor to the Squeaky-Voiced Teen, being a super spy himself. However on one fateful day he accidentally caused an explosion that ripped his arm off. Disgrace and humiliated he turned his back on the world, retiring to his weapons shop to reminisces about the good old days. He has lost all hope, not even vowing to get revenge on the man that caused him to lose his arm. So Herman is forever banished by the country he served to live alone to the rest of his life.

So here we are. The most absurd backstory for a Simpsons character I can come up with. So absurd that it’s directly responsible for the other five. And that person is…

1)Professor Frink: Yes, Professor Frink. The harmless mad scientist that makes nutty inventions that don’t do any good. But what people don’t remember is that in his first appearance he wanted money to build a Death Ray. Scorned when he was bullied years ago in his childhood, he dedicated his life to ruling over Springfield. He created Duffman in his laboratory, designing him to the ultimate weapon. An evil Superman, if you will. However Herman and the Squeaky-Voiced Teen busted in to stop this diabolical party of his, but the resulting battle caused an explosion to go off. Bumblebee Man, Professor Frink’s assistant, go tcaught in the blast. He had been wearing the suit to a costume party he’d just got back from; and hadn’t any time to get changed. Nevertheless the explosion in Frink’s laboratory wiped Bumblebee Man’s memories, as well as costing Herman his arm. Duffman escaped, disappearing into the night. Frink cursed Herman and the Squeaky-Voiced Teen, before resuming his work. Bumblebee Man was left to wander the streets confused and alone. Herman retired in disgrace, but the Squeaky-Voiced Teen vowed to keep going. And Kearney, not realising his part to play in this, holds the key to Professor Frink’s plan of world domination.

So there you have it. Six randomly interconnected backstories to background Simpsons characters. If you have anything to add, or anything you disagree with, feel free to leave a comment. Till next time.

About Author

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.