Hello and welcome to In Too Deep, where I over-analyse a certain section of pop culture.

Star Trek. It’s been known to have encountered a variety of alien menaces over the generations. Some more of a credible threat then others (I’m looking at you Squire of Gothos. No matter how powerful you are, you’re certainly not going to be in the next movie any time soon). But what if the Enterprise had accidentally taken a wrong turn and ended up in the Doctor Who universe? What would Captain Kirk do against the various famous monsters the Doctor has battled. Well join me as I try and work it out.

Lets start with the big ones: The Daleks. The evil pepper pots that routinely battle against the Doctor. How would Captain Kirk fare against them? Well firstly the space battle would be interesting, since the Enterprise is more then capable of firing on the Dalek ship. So the best course of action would be to send all the Daleks out on force to attack the Enterprise individually. Or it would be if the Enterprise didn’t have shields protecting it. How would you get round them? My theory is that the Daleks will either adapt their weaponry around it, find the weakest point and infiltrate it (a Dalek isn’t that big, after all). Or they’d teleport aboard the ship and start shooting everyone in sight. Sure phasers would be effective, but you’d still have to be careful. There’s no offence against a Dalek laser. Depending on how many Daleks get teleported aboard depends on how well the Enterprise does. They’ll probably have to lock down the ship to stop them reaching the bridge. But when Kirk shirt gets ripped (thus becoming the unstoppable force) he’d probably take down the Dalek with his bare hands. Their only hope is to somehow disable the Dalek’s weaponry, making them defenceless. And blow up their main ship. So it’d be a tough battle, but the Enterprise would probably win.

So what about the next most famous enemy, the Cybermen? Well forgive me if I gloss over them, but they’re basically the Borg made out of tinfoil instead of rubber. In fact they’d be easier to kill then the Borg, since they don’t assimilate as quickly. Picard would probably go on a mental rage and blow them all up, while Kirk would probably find a way of sleeping with one of them. Failing that it’d be a quick battle won by the Enterprise.

Okay then, what about the Sontarans? I said before they’d like the Klingons, so they’d follow the same strategy. Well, besides the fact that they’re even more of a war monger; and would never even think of discussing with their foes (why, when they can just shoot them). So again, nothing more to add.

But there are more modern monsters that not everyone knows about. Take the Weeping Angels. Every time you blink they move, meaning they could attack you in no time. Unless, being made out of rock, they are susceptible to phaser blast. At which case you just shoot them while keeping your eyes open and they’re toast. But a Weeping Angel wouldn’t be that stupid, so they’d mess around with the lights and move around in secrecy. Naturally Kirk would come up with some brilliant strategy to outsmart them, like bathing the entire ship in emergency lighting. Then it’s a simple matter of shooting them.

However there is an even scarier monster then the Weeping Angels in the new series. The Weeping Angels will kill you when you’re not looking, but at least you know they’re there. The Silence will kill you without you even realising that they’re there at all. Well, you will know, but you’ll forget as soon as you turn away (how brilliant is that btw. An alien that you forget after seeing, so you have no way of defending yourself). The crew wouldn’t even know what’s going on until Spock manages to make a device allowing them to see the Silence (which at this point, simple phasers should eradicate the problem).

Finally, as a fun little side joke, lets imagine the reverse. If Doctor Who ended up in the Star Trek universe. He’d probably use his Sonic Screwdriver against the Borg to shut them all down, he’d probably make fun of the Klingons and disable the shields; and he’d probably find the Vulcans dull and annoying (less so in some incarnations though). Oh and he’d probably lock horns with Kirk for wanting to shoot the alien while the Doctor would want to reason with it, before both gain a mutual respect.

So there you have it. Just one fans idea of what it would be like. If you have anything to add, or anything you disagree with, feel free to leave a comment. Till next time.

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