So you got the invite to the H-Ween party but have been derping around until now? Well I has the solution, with OX_Bigly’s Cheap Halloween Costume Ideas
First up you want to have a costume that everyone will fear as soon as you show up: #TheHipsterDouche
Fedora Hat: You can find this at Walmart or Target for between $14-$20
Hipster Glasses: These are easy. You probably already have a pair and don’t know it. Remember those 3D glasses you stole from the movie theater? Just pop out the lenses and, Boom!
Ironic Shirt: You get double Hipster points if you have a multi ironic shirt like mine. A t-shirt made to look like an ugly Christmas sweater, that has “Bah Humbug” on it that you are wearing on Halloween. It’s Ironic-ception!
Flannel Pajamas: Because comfort is your number one concern. Plus, belt’s are like the shackle of the working class, man.
Dress Shoes With White Socks: I would explain it but you wouldn’t understand 😉
Hashtag and Instagram Filter: Optional
Mental Prep: Before the party, go to Walmart and find a 20 horror films for $5 combo pack and memorize the titles. Later at the party bring up a title, like this: “You know what’s a great horror film? ‘Die-Ner’, but you’ve probably never heard of it.”
On next to the death of the party: Serial Killer
Suit: If you already own one dust it off. Otherwise just pick up a jacket from Goodwill for $20. The idea is to look as professional as possible.
The Mask: Any unscary mask will do. The one seen here was a bright yellow hockey mask. I picked it up from the grocery store for $2. added the paint effects to try to make it less scary, and blacked out eyes with some thin material. Because you kinda need to see your victims, right?
Knife: Just your everyday kitchen knife. Make sure to clean and rub down the blade with some cooking oil to give it that nice shiny look.
Black Gloves African American Gloves Gloves of Color: If you can swing it get some leather gloves as the blood won’t stain them and it protects you from leaving fingerprints.
Mental Prep: Call ahead and cancel.
Say you had some bad pumpkin beer and you’re shooting lava out of your… Just make up something believable. Then show up to the party and don’t say anything to anyone. If you must speak, do it slow and calmly like Norman Bates at the end of Psycho talking about flies. Also, periodically tilt your head slowly to one side. If you happen to find someone you’re attracted to, calmly tell them how you are going to meticulously dissect their face.
Just before the end of the party run home, change into your regular clothes and return to the party. That way you can
have an alibi for all the people you killed at the party. fool your friends.
You Can Also soak the blade of your knife in lemon juice at least four hours before the party. This help the metal
tear through the flesh…. or use a plastic one… whatever!
Lastly another person that everyone will be embarrassed by: Drunk Uncle Steve (Or “Druncle” Steve) Ruining Your Wedding
Button-Down White Shirt: You have to make it look like you tried to get dressed in the closet, Half tucked in shirt is a must.
Tie of Color: Must be tied like you don’t know how.
Dark Pants: To complete the ensemble.
Beer Mug With Handle Those girly pilsner glasses are too hard to hold when you’re drunk.
Mental Prep: Get drunk. Not horizontal, not perpendicular, just “nicely drunk”
Also every once in awhile shout out things in character, like: “I didn’t want to bee here anyway!” “I don’t even LIKE their family,” and “Why’d you have to dress me up like a Mormon?!”
Well there you have it. Some easy and cheap Halloween costumes for… Halloween.
And remember: Only egg or T.P. houses that give you Easter candy.