Hello and welcome to In Too Deep, where I over-analyse a certain section of pop culture.

As of time of writing The Amazing Spider-Man is still in theatres, detailing the story of how a nerd got bitten by a radioactive spider and was given likewise similar spider-based powers. But as The Watcher said, there are many different worlds. Ones where the laboratory wasn’t experimenting on spiders, but on other based animals. Which would be the worst to be bitten by?

6)Badger-Man: Badgers are a really… existing animal. Seriously there is nothing remotely threatening about a badger. A lion, yes. A snake, yes. Even an eagle can be pretty terrible to go up in a fight against? But a badger? What’s Badger-Man going to do, claw and bite his opponents? Sure that’s pretty effective, but Wolverine’s already got that covered since his claws are made out of, you know, super-strong metal. So what would Badger-Man do that makes him so special?

(And no, this isn’t a thinly-veiled jab at Hufflepuff. I would never subtly imply that Hufflepuff sucks. I’d say it outright: Hufflepuff sucks).

5)Naked-Mole-Rat-Man: Okay I know Naked Mole Rats are pretty awesome. Kim Possible proved that without a doubt (and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should watch Kim Possible. It’s not a bad animated TV show). I mean yes Naked-Mole-Rat-Man could survive harsh underground environments. Yes he lacks pain receptors in his skin. Yes he won’t get fat thanks to a fantastic metabolism. But there are two problems: firstly Naked Mole Rats are ugly as. Like really quite horrible to look at. Secondly… lets just say that Naked-Mole-Rat-Man will stick close to his name and wear nothing more then his birthday suit. And that’s something no man wants to see.

4)Giraffe-Man: Yes, Giraffe-Man, with the super special ability of… being… very tall. With a long neck. The superhero equivalent of Stilt-Man, a supervillain who’s only power was growing really tall on stilts. Giraffe-Man is like that, only without the ability to ever shrink back down again. Plus he has a really long neck that would be a pretty easy target in a fight. But on the bright side, at least he can clean his ears with his tongue. Shame he can’t ever speak again, since Giraffes have no vocal cords (hence why I find Madagascar completely unbelievable since the giraffe is somehow magically talking). So the power of being really tall is a lame one indeed.

3)Kiwi-Man: Speaking of Madagascar, penguins are pretty lame, aren’t they? They can’t fly but only swim, they look like they’re wearing tuxedoes, they spend months having to sit on eggs. But you know a flightless bird even more useless? The Kiwi from good old New Zealand. For those not in the know (or think that the Kiwi is some sort of Middle-Earth monster), it’s a small flightless bird with brown feathers and a long beak that only comes out at night. So yes, it has amazing night vision and the ability to sniff out worms with it’s long beak. But it also can’t fly, or handle itself in a fight. In fact Kiwi-Man would be nigh-useless when it comes to taking on anything, since the Kiwi had no natural predators. Hell at least the Moa (think of a more pissed-off version of the ostrich) would kill a man with a good kick/claw. The Kiwi can’t even do that. So Kiwi-Man would be pretty useless indeed.

2)Turtle-Man: And no, not in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sort of way. Just the turtle. So yes, he would have a large shell that would protect him from most attacks. He also has the amazing ability to move… very… slowly… and… take… ages… to… get… anything… done… I mean, would you want a superhero that only turns up to help a good few hours after the bank robberies get away? A superhero that has no offensive capabilities whatsoever? He would be pretty useless all up. But not as useless as the number one worst animal to be bitten by when it’s infused with radioactivity.

1)Slug-Man: Yes Slug-Man, the superhero with the ability to produce mucus and move at an even slower rate then Turtle-Man. And… that’s about it. Seriously, what else can a slug do? Sure you probably couldn’t damage it with your punches; and its only attack would be to crawl over you and try to suffocate you to death. But you’d have to be pretty unobservant for it to get the jump on you. All it would do is just shuffle down the street rather pathetically, trying to call out for the supervillains to stop. And don’t even think about having a secret identity. It’s a good thing they weren’t experimenting on slugs. Otherwise Peter Parker would become even more pathetic.

So there you have it. The top six worst animals to be given superpowers from. If you disagree with anything, or have anything to add, feel free to leave a comment. Till next time.

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