I had a dream last night where I woke up and realized that my alarm was set to a later time because I didn’t have to go to the gym that morning. I was so happy! Right up until my alarm went off and I realized that I had to go to the gym. That’s when, for the first time in my life, I made my dream come true!

I skipped the gym and slept for a few more hours.

A lot of people put heavy emphasis on our dreams. Some are scientists who wish to learn it’s function and why it developed in the first place, others…well…there’s a reason I wrote an article about them.


Ah, dream! Years of good research has gone into this phenomenon, yet in the end we still have to admit defeat. We don’t know what it means! That’s a hard thing to admit. A shot right through the ego. There are good theories about. Perhaps it’s a way of processing information taken in through the day. We have some good evidence that REM is linked to memory processing, and dreams occur during this time, so it’s a valid claim. It could also be random memory or image triggers during rest. After all, not every dream is JUST what we’ve experienced in the last week or so.

There is a belief however that has gained a lot of clout over the years. People who basically say to all those researchers “Fuck you! Everyone knows that dreams have hidden meanings that you can’t interpret! Everyone except me and people like me! You’re stupid! We’re awesome!” I’m paraphrasing here, but this is the gist of their statement.


Minus the weed.


I’ve got to bring up the biggest problem here. The ‘meanings we don’t know about’. If we never diverged the meaning from our daily processing, how could they have found these meanings? Did a higher being tell them? Did they conduct well planned research with double blinded participants? Did they dream it?


Like, whoa…


It doesn’t make sense. If no one has derived a dream’s meaning in a conscience state, then how can we derive it when we’re unconscious? In order for our dreams to tell us anything, then we need to know what the symbols mean. If we never knew what the symbols meant, then we cannot possibly know what, say, a hippos swimming in a pool means other than there’s a fucking hippo swimming in a pool for some reason.

You know what? I’m going to try something. It’s far from scientific. Not because I don’t know how to set up a good test, but because I don’t want to insult science by treating this nonsense with respect. I’m going to detach myself. I’m going to jump in and try this shit with the “open mind” believers in this want me to have. I will Google “what do dreams mean?” and the first site to pop up (i.e. the most popular) I’ll let decipher what I remember from my dream last night. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be surprised what I find(not fucking likely).

Here I go. Down goes the kool-aid.


There I am. Upper left hand side, seventh in.


The first site that comes up is http://www.dreammoods.com/. Right in the first sentence on the first page, “You are entering the mysterious and fascinating world of dreams, where the rules of reality do not apply.” This sounds fucking promising. Wait! I said I wouldn’t do that! Breath in…breath out…get a colonic…and go.

Like I already said. I don’t remember much of my dream. Upwards of 90% of dreams are forgotten once the mind rouses. All I remember is rolling around inside a tire that was on fire and two octopus in top hats that combined into a mega octopus in a top hat called “Octopus”. This has to be chocked full of meaning, right? (Was there sarcasm in there? I tried not to include it. I hope I didn’t accidentally let something slip…)

Let’s start with the fiery tire. I’m guessing that I’ll have to find the components ‘fire’ and ‘tire’ and combine them to understand the meaning. I wish I could be more certain, but the site gives no other further instructions:

“We realize that your dreams are unique; no other individual can have your personal background, your emotions, or your experiences.  Thus, your own dreams can only be connected to your own “reality”. With this in mind, it is important to draw from your personal life and experiences when interpreting a dream.” – From the site.


Thanks a fucking lot. Moving on, let’s see what it says about tires:

“To see tires in your dream suggest that you are dwelling too much in the past and need to move on toward the future. It also refers to your emotional health and your ability to bounce back from adversity. You are able to carry yourself from one situation to another with confidence.”

So…I’m dwelling too much on something AND I’m bouncing back from adversity? Is it one or the other, or both together? I’ve suffered from adversity…months ago. I bounced back and got help not to think about it all the time. Am I still thinking about it and not know about it? Did I fail? Did the site’s explanation tell me something about myself, or did I merely think about it because the site mentioned it? In that case wouldn’t it be due to the site and not necessarily due to the dream? One interpretation and I’m already confused.

Let’s try fire:

“Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, then it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. If the fire is encircling you and someone else, then it signifies your bond to that person. You two share something significant in common. Furthermore, the dream may be a metaphor for someone who is “fiery”. It represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy. Alternatively, the dream may be warning you of your dangerous or risky activities. You are literally “playing with fire”.”

That’s a LOT of possibilities for something that is supposed to tell you what something fucking means. Too aggressive. I’ll stop. Let me put this together. The tire means it’s bad for my mental health to dwell on  something from the past and the fire, given the context (which I guess is a decision I have to make) means I have a bond…to the tire…possibly anger or illumination over something old…like a tire. Or I really loved the awful thing that happened…and we’re bonded…

Man, I love these fucking things.



Okay, now octopus:


“To see an octopus in your dream means that you are entangled in some difficult matter. Your judgment is being clouded.  Alternatively, the octopus indicates that you are overly possessive and maybe too clingy in a relationship.

To see two octopuses in your dream represents a codependent relationship.”

These are very different from each other. I am in a codependent relationship. I depend on her for somethings and she depends on me for some things. This is how relationships work. Is it trying to say that this is a bad thing? Is it supposed to be an extension of the single octopus? How did this definition come from an octopus? It has a lot of arms, but there are many, better things out there that do the same thing.


This will entangle the SHIT out of you!


But fine, codependent relationship. Whatever. Top hats?

“To see or wear a top hat in your dream signifies your flamboyant flair. You are trying to connect to the elegance of the past. Alternatively, a top hat represents wealth and status.”

What the hell am I supposed to make of this now? Which is it? Also, I’m not flamboyant. I don’t mean that like I caught a case of the gay (homosexuality works like a cold, right?), I mean it like I’m very plain. My dress, my actions, my speech, plain. My past wasn’t very elegant, nor was it filled with wealth or status.

To this site, I can only surmise that I was dreaming about how I dwell too much on my past of destruction and illumination but I’ll bounce back after I handle this flamboyant, codependent relationship. I guess this could make sense if I make it. That’s not how these things are supposed to work! That’s called justification. You can justify anything, but it doesn’t make it any more true. I could shiv a guy in the throat and justify it by saying “I really thought he was going to be the next Hitler”.




That leaves two possibilities. One, this site is telling me something that is WRONG. Two, this site is giving me a rough estimation of what it thinks things are and tells me to interpret it, which is WORTHLESS. It’s claiming to give me answers, then tells me to interpret it myself. Let me put this into layman’s terms…

“Hey you! Come here!” ::SLAP!:: “Fuck you!”

Rather than use them, let me try to take a crack at it. It may not be right, but it should be a hell of a lot better than this shit. I saw the movie RUBBER along with IRON MAN: EXTREMIS. That takes care of tires and fire. Next, I read about a plea by someone from LulzSec (top hat) and the two octopus could be from anywhere, including a trip to the aquarium back in February.

Is this a perfect answer? No? But we don’t know how dreams WORK, let alone why we see what we see. I subscribe to the thought that it’s a visual representation of processing information. Nothing wrong with that. But hidden meanings? Metaphors? Want to know the one thing I learned while writing (actually I learned many things, but this just fits here)?

When you try to give everything meaning, you strip the meaning from what you’re seeing.



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