Back in 2009, I made my first TV appearance. Since I was unable to get the video, Iâ€™ll have to tell you all the story. I really wish I had the video footage, and trust me I TRIED to get it. Sadly, the footage is lost to time. Instead, Iâ€™ll give you a few selected highlights. Now this was FIVE YEARS ago, so I canâ€™t really give a blow-by-blow recount of every single thing that happened. I can, however, give a few selected highlights. I might as well explain the situation. The show was called Date â€˜Em or Hate â€˜Em. It was essentially a Dating Game-style show. Like The Dating Game, an unseen girl asked three lucky bachelors random questions. Their twist was that the girl brought a friend who also asked questions. There would be a third round where they both tag teamed questions to the guy. With each question they asked, they gave a thumbs up or thumbs down to the answers. Obviously, the more thumbs up the guy got, the better.
At the time, I was single and still looked like The Dude. I did the show realizing I had slim chances of getting the girl. But at the very least, I thought it would be good for a few laughs. I admit to being a little nervous before the show started. I had theater experience at this time, but it would be another year before Iâ€™d take up stand up comedy â€“ and another two years before my acting would finally gain some momentum. This was a big deal because we were in front of a live studio audience. But either way, the show was under way, and, as I said, here are the highlights:
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Naturally for me, I would be giving out goofy and silly answers combined with the more serious answers. (I know, itâ€™s really hard to imagine yours truly giving a series of goofball answers to other peopleâ€™s questions.) The one most people remember is when I was asked about a secret that most people donâ€™t know. My answer was that â€œI canâ€™t give too many details, but it involves a green power ring.â€ I donâ€™t think most people got the Green Lantern connection, but they generally found it pretty funny.
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I have to confess to the one that left a serious bad taste in my mouth. I was asked what celebrity I would like to go out with.
Guess my answer.
No seriously, guess what my answer was.
Iâ€™ll even give you a moment to think about it.
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Maybe a hint will help:
(And by hint, I mean an excuse to marvel in her loveliness.)
I didnâ€™t even bother to be cute about it back then. I just said it. Of course, being 2009, I still had to elaborate who that was (I used Elf as the example). I was not one iota pleased when the oooooh-so-funny hosts said in a tone most condescending â€œHey, if thatâ€™s good enough for you.â€ Adding insult to injury, this question got a thumbs down. Itâ€™s accurate to say I laughed along, but my laughter looked like this:
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I was later asked whether I view the glass as half full or half empty. This was an ugly situation. I had no material, and the answer was pretty obvious. Like the Wisenheimer I am, I pretended to think about it and just said the glass is half full. I bring this one up because even the hosts admitted how useless and esoteric this question was.
– I was asked to sing a romantic song. I decided on â€œAs the World Falls Downâ€ from Labyrinth. I donâ€™t know how many people actually got the reference, but I stick with it. Itâ€™s a real shame that this sequence was lost, because it means the only record of me singing â€œAs the World Falls Downâ€ is lost. I wonder how they would have reacted if I sang my backup choice: â€œNIBâ€ by Black Sabbath.
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Not all of the questions made me look like a schmuck. I was asked how I would handle it if the girl had a haircut I really didnâ€™t like. My answer was Iâ€™d find a polite way to sneak it into the conversation during the night. I was also asked how Iâ€™d approach her in the gym. I said that since you can hurt yourself if you do something wrong at the gym so Iâ€™d just approach her. At least I think I said that, I may have made that one up. But that would have been my answer!
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I didnâ€™t win. You probably noticed that. (Of course the fact that I havenâ€™t exactly been burdened with good looks or charisma probably had a lot to do with that.) It was close though. I only lost by one or two points. Sadly, I made a bit of a mistake. Since the girl was there with her friend, I didnâ€™t know who was who. So I went up there, shook the friendâ€™s hand and accidentally snubbed the contestant. Let it be known that I did go back, explained the situation and sincerely apologized. But Iâ€™m sure my gaffe at least made good television.
I got to see my appearance on TV a few times. During one viewing, I straight up changed the channel before the question about Zooey. But despite my best attempts, I could never get a copy of my appearance. Though a few guys told me I was their hero because of my crazy answers. I guess thatâ€™s the showbiz. The important thing is that Iâ€™ll always have a copy of my NEXT TV appearance. (Of course, Iâ€™m talking about Pinheads.