After reading Some Jerk from Boston’s harsh, crude, and hard not to love article ( about how Jason Statham could have improved the lame points that disappointed him in movies by injecting some testosterone into the mix, I couldn’t help thinking of ways that actors I like could do the same for me. In the end, I decided to go ahead and try it myself. My choice is Jim Carrey, but I’ll put the challenge out there for anyone to try this with their own favorites, just to see who, if anyone, is worthy of Jason Statham.


About my choice: Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, Jim Carrey struck a chord with me above all other comedians. He was the one with the wildest gags, the most energy, and the biggest sense of fun to what he did. Compared to him, guys like Adam Sandler and David Spade just seemed lukewarm and dumb.


Now that I’m older, it’s one of the few times I actually think younger me had a point. Carrey’s career has proven nothing if not that he always tries his best and he does have actual talent. On one hand, he can do characters as unforgettably crazy as The Mask or Ace Ventura, but he can also pull off some truly affecting performances, as in The Truman Show or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And he’s not partial to anything except what he thinks could turn out great. Instead of taking the Adam Sandler route of running the same gross-out shtick into the ground, getting preteen idiots to keep forking over their parents’ money by making sure they never forget who he is, he followed up his greatest successes by continuing to try anything and everything. And even when it doesn’t work out or make a ton of money, he’s usually the best part. Granted, his thanks for not trying to rip us off seems to be the public perception that he hasn’t done “anything” lately, but if the Farrelly brothers can just shake off their rut, their sequel to Dumb and Dumber might be just the welcome back to the mainstream he deserves.


But in this case, there’s something in particular he does better than the rest: When his comedic characters tear someone a new one, it’s not because they’re smug, obnoxious bastards who want people to think they’re cool. It’s because they’re genuine weirdos who honestly see no need to put up with the other guy’s crap. So, with that in mind, here are 9 ways Carrey and his characters could turn a movie’s problem on its head. Why only the top 9? Because a little Jim Carrey goes a long way.


9. Twilight: You probably knew this had to happen, so let’s get it over with first. The evil vampires, still under the mistaken impression that they are scary, surround Stanley Ipkiss and begin taunting the bewildered man for how he’s about to become their meal. He then puts on the mask, makes fun of them for sparkling in the evening light, and melts all of them with a giant bottle of nail polish remover. After that, he comes across the “heroes” and begins hitting on Bella, sprouting a giant cartoon boot to kick Edward over the horizon when he tries to object. But upon hearing Bella’s surprisingly receptive speech about how she would love to get with a man like him, surely a tormented outcast just like she is in her average, middle class life, he turns to the camera, says that on second thought, he’d sooner try dating Peggy again, and departs.


8. Barb Wire: Barb, the superhero in a stripper outfit, is mad at the henchman who called her “babe,” and reaches for a gun to kill him while he just stands there blankly. Vera De Milo appears, snaps the gun in half, and tells Barb that she is clearly insecure because she is not even close to achieving “a strong, flat championship chest,” forcing her to bench press washing machines and attempt triple-jointed stretches for the rest of the runtime.


7. God’s Not Dead: The one-on-one debate in a college classroom to definitively prove whether God exists attracts viewers from around the campus, with Jim Carrey among them. After listening to one minute of the debate between Professor Atheist Douchebag Psychopath and Applause Line Kid who has “no choice” but to prove God exists, he responds by turning around and debating both of them from his ass. And winning.


6. Bio Dome: Pauly Shore and his idiot friend break their TV during one of their “hilarious” antics. They call a cable guy, Chip Douglas, who successfully forces them to let him be part of the group, tormenting them around the clock and alienating everyone they were about to annoy with only free cable for compensation. He then takes that away too after they’ve lost everything, deciding that even he isn’t desperate enough to settle for them as his friends, leaving them with nobody but each other to annoy from now on. (Note: This could pretty much be applied to any Pauly Shore movie.)


5. Cool As Ice: Every time Vanilla Ice attempts to talk, Jim Carrey appears and sings his version of Ice’s hit song “He’s So White, White, Baby” over his lines eventually forcing Ice to give up and just dance the Raggedy Ann seizure for the rest of the runtime.


4. The Spirit: Frank Miller, everyone’s favorite “gritty” racist mysogonist, is not content with portraying all women as prostitutes and has the Spirit attempt to sexualize the very city he lives in with a soliloquy favorably comparing it to one. Jim Carrey then pushes him out of the spotlight to show him how soliloquies are done, firing up the music to Cold Dead Hand:


Some folks ride, down these streets

With the whispering pines to guide them

And the burning light inside them

Keeps them warm, in the snow


Others fear, the sounds they hear

Fill their hearts with Holy Terrors

Making you their anger’s bearers

They’re dead and buried, long before they go


Frankie Miller’s comics are no longer in demand

And his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand

Obsessed with naked women both to draw and to straw man,

We’ll find his member wrapped in his cold dead hand


It takes a cold, dead hand to write such prejudice with vigor

Takes a cold, dead heart, and as near as I can figure

With your cold, dead style, you’re trying to prove your thick is bigger

But we know…

Your octopus may not be swinging loooooow


3. Any Friedberg and Seltzer movie: The duo that killed the spoof movie decide to throw a parody of Liar Liar into a movie they advertised as something totally different, because why not? They trot out Fletcher Reede and have a character ask, in the obvious, drawn-out voice they use to tell most of their jokes, what he is really thinking. He then goes on a ten minute monologue without pause about how this movie is the latest in a long line of scams from the two most pathetic con men ever to come through Hollywood, how no comedy in history tried less hard than any one of the movies they’ve made or had more obvious, unfunny and unpleasant jokes, how they’re releasing movies directly to DVD because even now they don’t get the message to go the hell away already, how the studio probably pulled the plug on their Avatar spoof upon realizing they wanted to spoof it for making too much money, when their entire careers are based around getting the public to pay tens of millions of dollars for the same low budget movie repackaged again and again, and how every single film in their arsenal is a contender for the worst movie of all time.


2. The Saw films: Jigsaw’s latest room full of victims are lamenting how few people are known to have survived his games, until one of them turns out to be Fire Marshall Bill, who proclaims that nobody likes a quitter. He happily saws off his foot before limping around the room and giving everyone safety lessons about absurd, hypothetical scenarios that turn out to be exactly what Jigsaw had in mind, taking down all of the traps himself. Jigsaw then bursts into the room, cries that Bill has brought his life’s work to a screeching halt and demands to know what kind of freak of nature he is. Bill then decides that Jigsaw himself needs a few safety tips. When will they ever learn?


1. Freddy Got Fingered: We get to the “joke” in which Gord spontaneously runs up to a horse and begins pleasuring it while screaming that he is a farmer. Ace Ventura then pops up beside Gord and tells him that the horse has boundaries it would like him to respect. Gord counters with his usual shtick, waving the horse’s member at Ace, insisting that he’s the one who knows how to get inside animals, and telling Ace that he should try it himself before he tells him what to do.

“Alrighty then.”

Ace knocks out Gord and proceeds to meet his challenge by giving him the monopoly guy treatment, making him say that he was dropped 37 times as a child, didn’t know he had genitals until last month, and secretly holds onto the hope that 12 year old stoners will find him funny. He then puts the unconscious man on the back of the horse and gives it permission to find a place to put him, spending the rest of the movie rescuing the elephant waiting to be exploited in the third act from the other idiots in this story.




And no, I didn’t forget that Jim Carrey also once played the Riddler.


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