Hello and welcome to In Too Deep, where I over-analyse a certain section of pop culture.

Well I had to write a fairytale for my class so, to make it somewhat interesting, I decided to do a satirical take on fairytales in general. So without further ado, enjoy.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I plan to prove beyond reasonable doubt that my client, Mister Wolf, is a victim of slander and misrepresentation.” With her opening statement completed the Old Woman sat back down in her seat.

“The court will now call the first witness.” said the Judge. An elderly woman took to the witness stand.

“I am Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandmother,” said the Grandmother, “and I swear to tell nothing but the truth.”

“Now,” said the Old Woman, “in your own words, can you tell the court your objections with my client?”

“Well it all started once upon a time. I was waiting for my granddaughter to come visit me when there was a knock at the door. As I opened it the wolf pounced on me and ate me alive!”

“Objection!” cried the Wolf. “How could I have eaten her if she is standing in this very courtroom?”

“Sustained,” said the Judge. “Grandmother, if you could kindly tell the correct version of the story in a consistent manner. This is not a matter of interpretation, nor multiple retellings.”

“I’m sorry, your Honour,” said the Grandmother. “In my old age it becomes difficult for me to remember what exactly happened.”

“So you say my client came to the door,” said the old woman. “What was his purpose for being there?”

“Well he said he was planning to cook me into a pie and feed me to my granddaughter.”

“Objection!” cried the Wolf. “What possible reason would I have to cook her into a pie?”

“Well you could be trying to give a metaphorical link between cannibalism and the concept of sex,” replied the Grandmother. “Both acts feature women having someone else’s flesh being placed inside of them. So by eating me, my granddaughter would be metaphorically having sex with me in a demonstration of maturity.”

“This is completely absurd,” complained the Wolf.

“I have to agree with my client,” said the Old Woman. “It is clear this is an over-analyse of the situation for the sake of making my client look bad.”

“Substantiated,” said the Judge. “I warn you again, Grandmother. Do not tell lies in this courtroom or you will be punished.”

“I understand, your Honour,” said the Grandmother.

“To get back to the point at hand,” said the old woman. “Why exactly did my client come to your door.”

“He wanted to impersonate me in order to get with my granddaughter,” said the Grandmother. All eyes turned to the Wolf, to see if there was an objection to it.

“I admit that was my purpose,” said the Wolf.

“And then he made my granddaughter take all her clothes off so he could engage in sexual intercourse with her,” finished the Grandmother.

“Objection!” said the wolf, outraged. “Why would I engage in bestiality?”

“Sustained,” said the Judge. “Madam you have been warned twice about this. Remove her from the court and bring in the next witness.”

As the protesting Grandmother was led out of the room a young girl took the witness stand.

I am Little Red Riding Hood,” said the little girl, “and I swear to tell nothing but the truth.”

“Now,” said the Old Woman, “in your own words, can you tell the court your objections with my client?”

“It all started when I met him in the woods. He deliberately set me off the wrong path in order to beat me to my Grandmother’s house.”

“That is true,” admitted the Wolf.

“And what was the purpose of doing this?” asked the Judge.

“I wanted to scare the accuser,” admitted the Wolf, remembering he was under oath.

“So why did you not scare her in the forest?”

“I was attempting to demonstrate that strangers are not to be trusted. I was working in conjunction with the Grandmother in order to scare Little Red Riding Hood straight.”

“Why did the Grandmother not admit this under oath?”

“Because it reflected bad on her. She tried to lie to hide her involvement with the case.”

“So are you saying that you and the Grandmother were working together to teach Little Red Riding Hood a lesson?”

“That is correct. Why else would I go through an elaborate charade?”

“It is indeed a good question,” admitted the Judge. “Miss Hood, your opinion on the matter?”

“The wolf ate my Grandmother and intended to eat me!” cried Little Red Riding Hood.

“Miss Hood,” said the old woman. “If that is true, why is your Grandmother alive?”

“She is?” said Little Red Riding Hood. “I was not privy to this information.”

“It is highly unlikely that you would not known this before this moment,” said the old woman. “Ergo, you have just lied.”

“Alright, fine. I knew my Grandmother was alive. But the Wolf was clearly trying to eat me. He said so himself.”

“Is this true, Mister Wolf?” asked the Judge.

“I did indeed say my teeth were big to eat her,” admitted the Wolf. “But once again, it was all a part of the charade. Did you really think I was your Grandmother?”

“Yes,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“Are you telling me that you think your Grandmother looks like a wolf?” asked the Old Woman.

“Of course not!” cried Little Red Riding Hood, indignant.

“So you have just lied again,” concluded the Old Woman.

“But he made me take my clothes off!”

“We have eye-witness proof that your clothes were on the entire time, Miss Hood. The Huntsman confirmed you were clothed, as did my client. Furthermore, if the wolf was trying to eat you, he’d have done so at the earliest opportunity. Clearly the wolf here has been used as a metaphor, distorted to indicate a moral about not trusting lustful men. Also, your Honour, the witness has lied thrice.”

“So she has,” agreed the Judge. “Take her from here and bring in the final witness.”

As Little Red Riding Hood left the courtroom a pig took up the stand.

“I am the Third Little Pig,” said the pig, “and I swear to tell nothing but the truth.”

“Now,” said the Old Woman, “in your own words, can you tell the court your objections with my client?”

“The wolf blew down my brother’s house.”

“Objection!” said the Wolf. “The house was made of straw. It would have fallen down in a polite breeze.”

“Is it the Wolf’s fault that your brother built a house out of unsuitable material?” asked the Old woman. “Furthermore, are there any witnesses that the Wolf blew it down.”

“Well he said he’d huff, and he’d puff, and he’d blow the house down,” said the Third Little Pig.

“Did anyone witness this?”

“No.”

“You mention you’re the third little pig. What happened to the second?”

“The Wolf blew his house down too.”

“Objection!” said the Wolf. “The wood was of a poor quality. A moderate breeze would have knocked it down.”

“Again, are there any witnesses to verify that the wolf blew the house down?” asked the Old Woman.

“No,” admitted the Third Little Pig.

“Now you accuse my client of eating your brothers. Why would he do that?”

“Because he’s evil!” exclaimed the Third Little Pig.

“Objection!” cried the Wolf. “I am a wolf. It is in my nature to eat pig.”
“It is in his nature,” agreed the Old Woman. “Why is it so hard to believe that a wolf would eat a pig? He is simply a product of nature, nothing more. Can my client be held accountable for the actions of an animal? Furthermore, Mister Wolf, what were the bodies like when you came across them?”

“They were already dead,” said the Wolf. “That made them easy pickings.”

“What would you say was the cause of death?”

“A blow to the head with a blunt object.”

“The size and shape of a brick?”

“I would say that, yes.”

“So then, Mister Pig, is it not plausible that you killed your brothers and framed my client for murder, knowing full well that prejudice would work against him?”

“No, that isn’t plausible,” said the Third Little Pig.

“I think you’ll find it is. Your Honour, the client has lied three times in this court. According to the rules everything he said afterwards must be a lie.”

“That is indeed correct,” said the Judge. “Anyone who lies three times will always consistently lie and must be disbelieved. It is clear that the Wolf has been subjected to prejudice against his species, often portrayed as the antagonist in the story when he has no clear motivation to commit such actions. Those that have lied in this court will be punished for their dishonesty. The Wolf is given a pardon and an apology for the slander levelled against him. Case dismissed!”

So there you have it. My fairytale that is incredibly derivative of stuff that other people have done before. If you disagree with me, or have anything to add, feel free to leave a comment. Join me next time as I analyse this very fairytale. Till next time.

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