Sometimes I write about serious topics like science, other times I’ll write a simple movie review, every now and again I’ll just go on about some fucked up day I was having. This article…I simply don’t know why I wrote it. I thought it was funny, and I don’t regret a thing.
Ever since Jason Statham emerged on the acting scene back in 1998’s Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, I took a liking to the guy. Most of his movies suck (this is a fact), but his presence somehow raises the film quality to a higher degree. The only thing that makes a lot of Jason Statham movies watchable is that Jason Statham is in them. Without his shining shaved head and magnificent accent demanding the attention of your very eye juice (eyes are mostly water…think about it), the movies he graces with his presence would have been gutter trash from day one.
He can act. That’s surely a selling point, especially when he’ll be in anything…anything. Even when he’s cast as a farmer in a movie directed by a psychotic German, Statham will give 100%. If there was a movie where his sole role was to sit there and take a shit (directed by Lars von Trier), you can be sure that he’ll add in the constipated strains and grunts with no extra charge.
The other selling point is that he likes to hit things. If there’s an action movie you want to pitch, he’ll fucking do it. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing some shit in your yard, Jason Statham will just show up because he assumes he was supposed to be there. He’s proven that he’ll hit anything with legs, and some things that don’t. He’ll fuck up chairs, tables, your door, your grandma…anything that gets in his way!
With these things in mind, I’m going to prove that Jason Statham can fix anything by showing up and acting like a fucking man. No, sorry, the fucking man. So many movies have come out that have disappointed the shit out of the world and no one’s going to fix them. Well, here you go. Here are my pitches for disappointing movies that could be fixed…with a little Statham sprinkled on:
- Meet the Fockers: Crazy hijinx ensue when conservative parents lead by Robert DeNiro meet the free spirit Fockers. Jason Statham plays an older exchange student housed by the Fockers when he meets DeNiro. Now you know the back story to Killer Elite.
- The Wolfman (2010 remake): While investigating his brotherâ€™s death, Laurence Talbot is attacked by a creature. Pissed that wolves are fucking up his crops, farmer Jason Statham punches people for two hours, then he punches wolves.
- Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest: Jack Sparrow and his crew are being hunted down by the notorious Davey Jones when they disrupt Jason Statham’s fishing trip. The rest of the movie is watching Statham eat sushi made from each of the characters…even those not cursed…
- Sex and the City 2: The fabulous foursome is back with fashion and flair as they travel to Abu Dhabi to escape the troubles of their everyday lives. Once they arrive however, Jason Statham stops them, tells them to stop being cunts, and sends them home.
The Matrix Revolutions: As Zion makes itâ€™s last stand, Neo must bring balance to the Matrix before the machines destroy mankind. Not taking the route of a pussy, Jason Statham walks to the machine base and unplugs the wireless router they all share.
- The Star Wars Prequals: From innocent youth to a corrupted Sith lord, this trilogy documents the rise of the Empire and the creation of Darth Vaderâ€¦for about 5% of the time. The other 95% is watching Jason Statham eat cereal and go to the gym. You know, things that are manlier than a whiny tween swinging a light tampon.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Allan Quartermain, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, Mina Harker, The Invisable Man, Captain Nemo, and Tom Sawyer all get a movie together and Jason Statham still doesn’t give a fuck.
The Happening: Trees are forcing people to kill themselves. Jason Statham forces M. Night. Shamalyan to kill HIMself.
- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The movie is pretty much the same until Indy and Mutt get captured by the Soviets. The crystal skull belongs to Jason Statham and he eats it like an apple to stop the movie before it gets stupid.
- Anything Tim Burton Does: Tim Burton gives Jason Statham a classic book and some pictures he drew. Each movie is Statham with his foot on Burton’s neck, reading a different book, while jerking off onto the crying Burton’s pictures.