Some movies I hold out hope for even if everyone else says, “it’s stupid”. Sometime I go so far as to ignore my own brain when it says, “Don’t see that! It looks stupid! I know you’re not retarded, because I’m your brain and I’m not retarded, so why the fuck do you want to watch this shit?!?” If there’s one or more elements that I’m attracted to based on my bias, then I’m going to be suckered into a similar experience despite knowing the quality.

I think Danny McBride and James Franco are great. I’ll see just about anything either of them are in. And I have proof of this! I sat down and watched Your Highness:

 

Rating: THE PEOPLE IN THIS MOVIE SMOKE WEED, SO THE MOVIE NEEDS A LOT OF WEED SMOKING IN IT!

Dear Danny McBride,

I get it. You and James Franco enjoy marijuana. And you guys make a lot of jokes about having sex with numerous things. I get it, I really do. I’m the same way a lot of times. When I’m in a car, whether driving or not, I make sure that other shitty drivers know that I believe that they are a combination of the phrases ‘shit fucking’, ‘child porn collecting’, and ‘terrorists’. I may not enjoy your love for sweet Mary Jane, but I have my own particular vices. I set sail with Sailor Jerry, Captain Morgan, and, if he’s the only one around, Admiral Nelson. So I understand where you’re coming from.

I also understand that you like fantasy (or at least have an interest in it). I greatly enjoy a good fantasy. Mirrormask, Stardust, The Princess Bride, The Lord of the Rings, JFK…fantasy is great! Again, I understand why you wanted to make this movie. I really do.

That being said, don’t fucking dare do this to me again! What the hell is Your Highness supposed to be?!? It couldn’t have been a film celebrating fantasy tropes, or paying homage to something you love (the way Grindhouse was a love letter from Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino to exploitation 70s cinema). No, you made that quite clear with your generally generic, fetch quest storyline.

 

If this were an RPG from 1999…it would STILL be fucking boring!

 

But it’s your humor that saves it, right? How could it when the lines were standard, whiny, (dare I say it?) JRPG level of terribleness rounded out with a ‘motherfucker’ or a mention of a hand job. That doesn’t make it funny; that makes it awkward. Putting modern humor in the middle of your medieval setting could work if you don’t force it, but here it’s a round peg in a square hole. The only way I can portray exactly how you’re fucking this concept up is if I insert a close up of an asshole in the middle of this letter portraying a low brow fart joke!

 

kitten 6
Don’t do it! Dooooon’t do it!

 

What happened? You were brilliant in Pineapple Express, another pot smoking comedy. Maybe it wasn’t your fault; it’s not like the acting was bad. Maybe it’s the writers. Yeah! That has to be it! Surely you were taken in by the concept and…

 

imdb 3
“Although the film was written by writer Ben Best and actor Danny McBride, the dialogue is heavily improvised. Director David Gordon Green said there was never a script used on-set. Only the plot outline and written notes were used.”

 

Oh…well at least a plot outline was used. It’s not line that’s bull-

 

imdb
“The premise for the movie evolved from a frivolous game friends David Gordon Green and Danny McBride used to play to while away on film sets. Each would take turns in suggesting a title for a film and the other would try to concoct a viable storyline. When the title “Your Highness” was put forward, the premise was, “…it’s about a prince who gets stoned and fights dragons…”

 

…shit.

Final Thoughts: You got your fantasy movie in my comedy! You got your comedy in my fantasy! Your fault! No, your fault! Your fault! No, your fault! Let’s compromise on dog shit! Yeah! That’ll work!

That sucked, and it was still funnier than 95% of your movie. Shame on you Danny McBride, shame on you.

Much love,

SomeJerk.

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