It’s September again. Does it feel like there’s some big important thing you’re not doing right now? Does something feel a bit off? If you’re still in school then you’re thinking “Nope, I’ve got all my back to school supplies, what are you talking about?” If you’re not, then you’re struggling to get over anywhere from 12-16 years of conditioning telling you to buy notebooks, pens, and a backpack with one of those hidden pockets to stash your weed.

I’m basically over it by this point. I graduated high school 12 years ago and my college degree was in my hand 9 years ago.  Nevertheless, I’m surrounded by a shadow of my education career and constantly reminded of how fucking stupid students can be. I’m not just talking about those who freak out over trivial nonsense. This morning, I saw some moron almost get flattened by a bus. Just walked right into the road during a green light like there weren’t giant metal death machines rolling down the black top. Did this fuckhead live in the middle of a cornfield before coming to Boston? Was he never taught to look both ways when crossing the street? I’d imagine so. Hell, I imagine that the only thing he had to look for while crossing the road in his little redneck part of town was the punchline to a terrible joke (Author’s Note: it’s a chicken)

I was just as impatient with students a couple of years ago. I even wrote them a “letter”:

 

Dear Students,

Welcome back to another year of knowledge, critical thinking, and troubleshooting! It’s been a long time since I’ve had that thrilling sense of returning to school, both loving and hating it, but every September I still get little chills about the back to school season. And this is coming from someone who couldn’t give less of a fuck about school itself.

I took the most bullshit classes in high school, including rock climbing. I went through most of my college year without buying a book. The last time I did home work, I’m pretty sure Clinton was president. Some may call me a bad student (and I won’t debate them), but that didn’t keep them from giving my decent grades and offering a shit load of extra credit. I didn’t attend my five year college reunion, nor my ten year high school reunion. Even though the anticipation of returning to classes creeps up on me year after year, I’ll be the first in line with a goddamn flame thrower when they tear down every school I went to.

Disdain aside, I still have advice to give to all of you young hopefuls. You all have so much ahead of you. If you factor in my experiences when you forge your path ahead, I can guarantee you that you will come out at the end a fuller and more robust person. You see, your friends and family support you and want only the best for your future. Their positivity may skew some of the important items that may crop up, accidentally allowing you to be blindsided in the process. I, on the other hand, hate you all equally, and will not lie to you. Even if you wish I did.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS:

Who the fuck let you read this? Can you even read, or is someone older trolling your ass? Here’s my advice to you; stay in school while it’s not so shitty and kick the person who showed you this blog right in the dick/cunt.. They are not good people. In fact, run away. Not to your sketchy uncle though. Sure, you’ll start out sucking lollypops, but soon he’ll have you sucking dick and you won’t even get a cut of the profit. Run somewhere where you’ll be free and where no one will find you. At least until some jogger finds your mummified corpse, but that’s the price of freedom. Now you write something on freedom. Remember to keep the handwriting neat!

MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENTS:

You are still children. Shut up, yes you are. You won’t believe this until you’re older, and I’m not saying that because I’m older myself. I’m saying that because you’re fucking tiny. Your tallest come up to my waist. You do not go to a building full of midgets. You are children. Children who dress like sluts. Stop it!

HIGH SCHOOL:

You are all assholes. Assholes, cunts, and bitches. Every last one of you. If that’s not enough you are also losers. Yes, even the pretty ones. Especially the pretty ones. High School is an emotional Thunderdome and you are all in the free-for-all.

Until you develop a personality, you ugly motherfuckers will be fodder for those stronger than you. Once, you’ve found your place, everything you do will be awkward until you refine yourself later in life. Play the patience game and it will pay off. Just don’t try to become popular by doing something so outrageous you’ll be ‘that guy’. ‘That guy’ ends up hooked on heroine and has to start injecting into his grundle because his parents have been checking his arms for track marks. Stay low, and you’ll be the one playing god with the careers of every cocksucker who wronged you later in life.

As for you who managed to get a good deal in the looks department, you’re dumb. Yeah, you can get good grades by regurgitating information, but that won’t help you unless you’re fucking Rainman. And no, you can’t get his success by fucking Rainman (it’s okay if you didn’t get it, it’s called a play on words. now that you know what it is, you’ll never be able to do it). Unfortunately, your parents didn’t marry each other because they were soul mates. Mommy was a hot piece of ass and Daddy had a long dick. Nowhere in the soup cooking between your mom’s legs were there genes for logical intelligence. They were dumb and pretty, and so are you. You’re popular because of this. Ninety percent of your classmates will be forgotten during the four years you’re captain of the football team, becoming prom queen, fucking the teacher for a good grade…but after that it’s you who are forgotten. What should you do? Become a stripper and blow men in the parking lot. That’s advice for the men and the ladies.

COLLEGE STUDENTS:

As much as I don’t want to believe that college is High School Part 2, it is. Even with the high drop outrate (about 66% if I remember correctly), the market is saturated with people with their bachelor’s degree. You are a dime a dozen and after you get your diploma all that work you’ve done will mean jack and shit. No one will ever ask to see it. No employer will ever check your GPA. I went to college for film making and I work in cancer research, how fucked up is that?

Here’s three very basic facts you need to know:

1. Get a masters – That’s where you really start learning about what you want to do. It shows that you’re highly interested in the specific field. Most colleges offer a liberal education and force students to take classes in a wide array of subjects. You may learn a little more about a little more, but it’s pointless if you, and your eventual employers, don’t give a shit. You think my boss cares that I know what the ideal lighting for 440 black and white film is? NO! I don’t even take the pictures for the website! Find out what you want to do and focus on it.

2. Get a job – As early as possible. I’ve been working since I was fifteen, so I already knew how to balance my time and a budget. Once you’re out of your parents house, do you think you’ll have a meal plan? That someone will offer you a job right away? That you’ll immediately have an apartment to live in? Unless you’re living in fucking Russia, none of that shit is going to happen. A job will give you money to spend, practice with the ‘real world’, and a back up plan once you find out that your degree is as useful as a sandpaper condom.

3. Don’t be an English major – Seriously, why would you go for this? Are you having a fucking problem speaking words? This major screams “I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I want to go to fucking College and have sex with things!”

From the beginning, you’ll be told that an English degree can give you a lot of opportunities. I’m here to tell you it can’t. Want to be a writer? Then write something. Why would you need a degree to be published? What about an editor? Having a Journalism degree is better. Teacher? You’ll need to double in Primary or Secondary education (a completely different degree). Librarian? Apparently you need to take other classes for that.

What about bullshit? An English degree could help me bullshit my way into a job.

Nope. That’s Communications.

To all you new students, young and old, saints and cockbags, I wish you well. I really do. I want you all to try your hardest, do your best, and become the person you want to be. Everyone should strive to be a smart, kind, and informed member of the public. And I mean everyone.

Most of you fail at the simple task of not being a dumbass and I just want to push you all in front of fucking traffic. How hard is it not to be a douchbag? Is this what you wanted? When someone bumps into you and apologizes, do you get off by looking shocked and acting like they killed a baby in front of you? Does greeting people with “You still have my Norbit special edition DVD.” make you think “I am such a good person for letting them know this before either they, or I, forgot. We are such good friends.”? I don’t, and I’m not always the most pleasant person to be around.

Enjoy school, get smarter and be a better person. I hold you all to my standards and my standards are fucking low. Don’t be a goddamn idiot and you’ll be a fucking jewel of the world in my eyes.

Sincerely,

SomeJerk

 

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