Hello and welcome to In Too Deep, where I over-analyse a certain section of pop culture.

I was re-reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the other day and chuckling at all the clever little jokes in it. All the sweets that Roald Dahl came up with in-story. But as I was reading it it occurred to me that what Willy Wonka invented would fundamentally change the world in all sorts of ways. Don’t believe me? Well lets find out.

Everlasting Gobstopper: Lets start with the most obvious one, the everlasting gobstopper. Now there are two ways of analysing this. Either it’s a gobstopper that is immune to saliva but can be destroyed by anything else (probably the most likely situation), or it is completely immune to any damage whatsoever. Lets go with the former first, something that can be dissolved with saliva. Now that ain’t too hard to believe. There’s plenty of things that can’t be dissolved with saliva. Rocks for example. So is it a gobstopper with the same texture as a rock? Well clearly it has to taste nice, otherwise it’d be pointless. So how does it keep its flavour forever? Well it’s actually kinda obvious: It’s a self-replicating candy coating. Every time you lick it off it replicates itself to come back. Think nano-machines. So what else can be gathered from this line of thought? Well for one thing, Willy Wonka invented a self-replicating nano-machine and put it into candy. Now there are many things you could use these things for, from building anything you ever wanted too… well, just building pretty much anything in existence really. But then what happens if you swallow it? Does it sit in your stomach for seven years till you’re able to pass it? Then what happens to it? A famous problem with self-replicating nano-machines is that they’ll eventually overwhelm and consume everything around them, leaving the world as nothing more than grey goo. So lets say Wonka makes one hundred of these gobstoppers. These gobstoppers are now never, ever, ever going away. They’ll forever survive, outliving the planet itself (depending on how powerful the replicating programme is). So in short Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Gobstoppers could easily bring about the end of the world.

Never-melting ice cream: Okay I’m not actually sure if this was in the book or something that should have been in the book, but lets take this popular fictional idea and presume it’s something that really exists. What exactly would a never-melting ice cream entail? Well for one it would totally spit in the face of physics. I mean one of the laws of thermodynamics say that heat moves away into cooler stuff, ergo the universe will end by everything getting very cold. But we have something that tells entropy to piss off. It’s something that still stays cold despite everything that happens. How does this work? Well we have two options. First is the self-replicating nano-machines, which at this point could be the answer to all of Wonka’s miracles. The ice cream is constantly rebuilding itself, ergo it appears to never melt. But another option is that it literally rewrites the laws of physics. It is the foundation for a perpetual motion machine. Since it isn’t losing energy, it must forever exist. Now a perpetual motion machine can power pretty much the entire universe if you design it properly. At the very least it’d solve all of the world’s energy crises. And that’s just with one, what if Wonka managed to make a whole supply of these? Essentially long story short is that we now have a source of power to power everything on the entire planet.

Television chocolate: So we all know the famous scene where Mike Teavee gets shrunk down due to going into a teleporter. There are actually two things interesting about this invention. Firstly that you can transport a bar of chocolate into a TV. That’s actually simple enough in theory, where you break down the bar and reassemble it on the other side. Now it’s smaller than the bar being transmitted, but that actually works in its favour. I mean it takes a lot of energy transmit something, it’d make sense if some of that matter was turned into energy for it to be done. Ergo the chocolate bar comes out as a lot smaller replica, using a small amount of mass in order to deal with the transmitting. So when Mike Teavee is transported he loses a lot of his mass in order to become the size he does. So that makes sense. No the really weird thing is that the device is being created to appear across multiple TV screens. Now Wonka says you can reach in and grab it, but it’d probably make more sense if it materialized outside the TV screen. That way you won’t have to worry about how to get your hand through the glass. But on top of that, there’s the cloning part to take into consideration. This chocolate bar is apparently appearing on TV screens all around the country. Now this could mean that the large bar of chocolate was broken up into a bunch of smaller bars (not impossible, I suppose), but is this really the best use for it? Why not instead use it as a rubbish disposal. Keep sending things via TV until they’re so much smaller than what they started? Clearly you only want to do this on one TV, otherwise you’ll end up with a greater mass than what you originally got rid of (somehow). Yet another invention that could change the world.

So there you have it. A rambling and somewhat unscientific look at Willy Wonka’s candy. If you disagree with anything, or have anything to add, feel free to leave a comment. Till next time.

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