Name something nerdy and I’ve done it. Go on! Name something! First swing and you choose LARP, good on you. You found the one thing I haven’t done and proved yourself an asshole in the process. Beyond that, I’ve done everything from gaming to role playing. I enjoy throwing myself into the life of another character, whether I’m creating it myself, or it’s being developed FOR me.

When I first started Shadowrun, I didn’t want to be the same tough guy hacker, soldier, racist stereotype I usually play (I have played a drunken Native American who blamed the White Man for his problems, but relax, he’s sober now), so I deliberately developed a character that would not only let me become accustomed to the new system, but also allow me to make things more…interesting.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the character that’s I’m no longer allowed to play…Dunstan McGlub.


Ever since I was introduced to them when I first got to college, I’ve played tabletop RPGs. It’s a great way to socialize and I get to fuck with people…a lot. Whether it’s myself running the game, or merely a character in it, I make sure that everyone else has to stay on their toes. If you want to be the strong, noble elf that will diffuse the situation with cleverness and cunning, then I’ll make sure that my nine year old child will put rocks in his pockets and start drowning while you’re being attacked by a bear. Did the GM just take away my favorite weapon? Here comes a suicidal story arc where I try to take it back! Once I was playing a drop in character, just for fun, and when I got offended, I blew up some C4. I rolled so well that I killed everyone. EVERYONE. I accidentally ended my friend’s campaign. There was nothing he could do. The only one left alive was my brother, playing an unimportant assistant to my character, who could only shrug and find new employment after the explosion.

When P-Money wanted to run a Shadowrun campaign, my first priority was making sure that the character I created would make his story ‘more interesting’. Random thoughts started falling into place. I was going to be a detective, but a very dumb one. He was going to be fat. Whatever decisions had to be made would be chosen based on the first thing that would come to my mind. It didn’t matter what it was, or how horribly it would affect the situation, that was my choice. Oh, and for some reason I wanted him to sound like Jimmy Stewart (I did this voice for three months).


Thus, Dunstan McGlub was born.


As far as stats go, normal intelligence in Shadowrun is a 3. Trolls and dumb characters are a 2. My character was a 1. There was more than one occasion where my character pulled a gun and started shooting because he thought there ghosts around. Once, in order to cause a distraction, Dunstan took off his pants and urinated on the floor…in the middle of a gun fight. There were so many thoughtless, illegal things he did, that there was a whole session devoted to a criminal trial after he was arrested. The charges included numerous accounts of attempted murder (I shot someone in the leg to scare them, but forgot I had explosive rounds in my gun and ended up blowing off his leg. Frightened, I shot his friend, forgetting once again that I never switched rounds), grand theft auto (I tried to argue that I stole a cab at night, everyone else said during the day, the argument started to get heated until I asked “Wait, which time am I being prosecuted for?”), attempted grand theft auto (I made a joke about how the only way anyone would prove anything would be if they had a picture of me committing a crime where I gave my information while showing a verifiable ID…which I did here…while pulling a gun…), breaking and entering, and exposing myself in public.


If it wasn’t for the fact that I put a 6 in Body, allowing me to take a lot of damage, as well as investing in a lot of Edge, giving me added bonuses when I needed them, Dunstan probably wouldn’t have survived. By the end of the campaign, Dunstan became the bullet sponge that allowed the other characters to find and defeat the main baddie. It took all the edge available, and a shit ton of decent defense rolls, but he lived. I pictured him showing up to the other characters looking like Judge Reinhold from Beverly Hills Cop 3; a bloody mess, barely able to stand.


Throughout the campaign, in between committing crimes or stupidity and making decisions that almost got everyone else killed, Dunstan had ‘The More You Know’ moments. That’s right, each week, he learned something. As you can imagine, information filtered through the mind of someone this stupid could only mean…well…why don’t you just read for yourself?


Here are the things that Dunstan ‘learned’ throughout the campaign:


8. The best wine to order at a restaurant is a 1974 shitty blue.


7. My burned dick looks like Darth Vader.


6. Iodine clearly goes in the eyes.


  1.  It’s DunstAn. The “O” is silent…and replaced with an “A”.


4. Following strangers is a good idea, as long as you promise not to rape them.


3. When someone asks you a question, it’s not polite to blow their leg off.


2. Guns don’t shoot knives, they shoot bullets! Bullets don’t stab people!


And, of course…


1. Halloween for black people is January.

Dunstan has come back for another campaign, but his character is evolving and taking on another role. I’ve handed the character over to the GM and created a new one for myself. What will become of this frustratingly lovable retard? Will he save the day? Become our enemy? Or will he just fuck up a pot of spaghetti and burn our safe house down? For once, I don’t have that answer. Just like everyone else, I have to wait and find out.

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