Top Six WTH Moments In Bad Fanfic
Originally Posted by Chris Lang on August 11, 2012 at 5:25 PM

If you’ve read a large amount of fan fiction, or are a regular viewer of the Fanfic Critic, then you know there’s a LOT of bad fanfics out there. There are fanfics that write characters horribly out of character, fanfics that are nothing but self-indulgent tripe, fanfics that have horrible spelling and grammar, and fanfics that leave one wondering just what the hell the author was thinking when he/she wrote it.

However, there are also individual moments within the aforementioned types of fanfics that also make one go ‘What the Hell?’. Even in context, they’re crazy, and insane, and come out of nowhere. And what’s more, many of them, as crazy as they are, are NOT Big Lipped Alligator Moments because they actually have importance to the plot.

So, borrowing a concept from Linkara’s ‘Top 15 WTF Moments In Bad Comics’, I now present my Top Six WTH Moments In Bad Fanfic. Why Top Six? Because we all owe the Nostalgia Critic a great debt for liberating us from the tyranny of Top 10s, Top 5s, and other countdowns in increments of five.

Here we go.

 

# 6: Star Trek is an accurate representation of our future, from ‘Time Speeder’ by Stephen Ratliff.

For those who don’t know, Stephen Ratliff is best known among the fanfic community and the fanfic MSTing community for writing a series of Star Trek: The Next Generation fanfics starring Marrisa Amber Flores Picard. Now, Marrissa was a one-episode character, a twelve-year old girl who was stuck in an elevater with Captain Picard in the episode ‘Disaster’ but managed to help Picard out during the situation. Ratliff decided to make her the main character of a series of fanfics in which she saves the day along with her ‘Kid’s Crew’ (many of whom were also one-episode child characters).

The first was ‘Enterprized’, where she humilates the Cardassians in a starship battle, but her parents die. As a result, Captain Picard adopts her. In the ensuing fics, in which the adults are basically useless and Marrissa and the kids’ crew are the ones who save the day, Marrissa gets promotions and by the time she’s sixteen she has command of a starship.

All this, of course, is spectacularly ridiculous. But then we come to a fic even Ratliff considers to be the worst of the Marrissa stories. It’s ‘Time Speeder’, where Marrissa and the Kid’s Crew are chasing a fugitive back in time to the mid-1990s. There, she meets with Wesley Crusher, and many 90’s politicians. This would include Bill Clinton, who, in the Ratliffverse, is an avid Trekkie.

Wait, what?

Now I know what you’re thinking. How can Star Trek the television series exist inside a universe based off of the Star Trek universe? Don’t worry. Ratliff has Wesley Crusher supply an explanation.

 

“Ever here of a television series called Star Trek?” Wes replied.

“No television isn’t something that I have had time to study,” Marrissa said.

“You probably wouldn’t have come across it,” Wes said. “Viacom Interplanetary put their copies of the series under timelock when events predicted in it began coming true.”

“The original of the forty-eight series to date was re-released last year. The prediction of the future was amazingly correct with the exception of some controls and make up.”

Yes, Ratliff is telling us here that Star Trek is a more accurate prediction of the future than Nostradamus and the Book of Revelations put together. But that’s nothing. Wait till you read THIS quote:

“On the planet below, the Next Generation, which covers the Enterprise-D is just about to have it’s second movie released. Deep Space Nine is entering it’s fifth season and Voyager has been lost in the Delta Quadrant for three years.”

“How close were they to my history?” Marrissa asked.

“You appear in one episode of the Next Generation titled ‘Disaster’,” Wes replied. “The rest of your career is covered quite nicely in what is referred to as ‘fan fiction’.”

So according to Ratliff, not only is every episode that ever aired an accurate prediction of the future, but so are the Marrissa fanfics. Even by Ratliff standards, this is face-palm worthy.

Ratliff, however, seems to agree, as you won’t find this scene at any point in his revised version of the fic, titled ‘Athena Prospects’. Ratliff has expressed that he is greatly embarassed by ‘Time Speeder’.

# 5: The trivia test in ‘A Sorcerer, A Demon, and Emeralds’ by Kefka The Dark One aka Metal Sonic

Think ‘Time Speeder’ is hard to sit through? Well, this is even worse. Even in MSTed form, I could barely get through this. I found myself greatly empathising with the characters in the MSTing who were subjected to it by the Mads, and it was only through their quips that I was able to survive.

So what’s it about? It’s a story where Sonic the Hedgehog stumbles upon a Dark Chaos Emerald, and it turns him evil. How evil, you may ask? Extremely evil — we’re talking Complete Monster territory, folks. He goes on a rampage and becomes Mobius’ worst nightmare, murdering and raping just For The Evulz. He imprisons Princess Sally and rapes her several times, and does all sorts of unspeakable acts. We have to sit through all sorts of horrible, disturbing (and by that I mean disturbing seemingly for the sake of being disturbing), and misogynistic filth while a few resistance fighters try to end the Dark Sonic’s reign of terror.

One of those trying to end the insanity is the Mary Suiesh character of Sonya, Robotnik’s daughter. At one point, she encounters a statue in route to finding a needed MacGuffin. The statue demands that she answer a few questions as a test. So far, this probably sounds to you like the cliched ‘answer the gatekeeper’s riddles’ scene that’s still played straight in fantasy video games. But what makes this a candidate for this list are the questions that are asked.

First, she’s asked when Bill Clinton was re-elected. But then comes a question that threatens to break through the fourth wall.

“What Company on earth is Sonic the mascot of?”

What’s more is, she correctly answers ‘Sega’. How does she know this? How does she know the answers to the other trivia questions about Sonic the Hedgehog and Final Fantasy that follow? There’s no explanation, not even a ridiculous one like the Star Trek one above. She’s just asked further questions such as what installment was Amy Rose’s second appearance, and whether or not Tails appeared in Sonic CD, and the differences between the versions of Princess Sally from several different Sonic comics.

The whole thing makes just as much sense in context as it does here. Meaning, none whatsoever. In any case, it’s definately a WTH moment in what is a truly horrible fic.

# 4: Snoofles the Talking Panda, from ‘Forbiden Fruit: The Temptation of Edward Cullen’ by beckymac666

If you think the Twilight books and movies are bad, wait till you get a load of the fan fiction. Especially ‘Forbiden Fruit: The Temptation of Edward Cullen’. Not only are the spelling and grammar atrocious (she even uses txt talk at certain points, which is completely inappropriate for anything OTHER than text messaging), but it features a Mary Sue that might even be more annoying than Bella Swan. If you don’t believe me, check out the Fanfic Critic’s review, or Linne the Fanfiction Critic’s review.

Anyway, Atlantiana (the aforementioned Mary Sue) is one of those uber-Mary Sues who’s So Beautiful It’s A Curse. Over the course of the story, she becomes a vampire with uber-powers and is forced to kill the uncle who raped her. And yes, she gets Edward to fall for her.

And then comes a moment that’s crazy even in context. It’s where Atlantiana is running through the woods in Forks, and runs into a panda bear. The Mary Sue even admits this is a totally weird thing to happen, but this isn’t even the weirdest part. No, the panda talks!

Let me quote a bit of this scene, complete with grammar errors and txt talk:

“greetings atlantaina!” it said – i was totally freaked out – since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused

“WTF?” i screamed!

“I’m a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna but you can call me Snoofles.”

“A talking PANDA BEAR?” i shouted furiusly

“I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don’t know it yet.”

Yes, a talking panda appears in a Twilight fic. And of course Snoofles prompts Atlantiana to test out a few new uber-powers, such as causing one tree to bloom while she thinks thoughts about Edward, and a tree to burst into flames when thinking angry thoughts.

But it gets even weirder. Snoofles shows up again later in the fic, and we discover that he is gay. It’s revealed completely out of nowhere, in a scene where Atlantiana finds out that Jasper is gay. Anyway, in a fic with an uber-powerful Mary Sue, a pseudo-medieval speaking Edward (and even a non-Twilight fan like me knows Edward Cullen doesn’t talk like that), an even more unpleasant Bella, and a suddenly evil Jacob, Snoofles the talking panda is bizarre even in this context.

Oh, and Snoofles also has a car. A car whose back seat is big enough to fit a panda and two humans. Forgot to mention that.

How do we top Star Trek being real, Sonic video games and comics existing in the Sonic universe, and a Twilight fic featuring a talking panda who can drive a car? Let’s find out, shall we?

#3 Platinum Billy, from ‘Face the Strange’ by Dallas Philpott aka Dally

Say what you will about beckymac666 and her fic ‘Forbiden Fruit: The Temptation of Edward Cullen’, but at least she’s not homophobic. Her Mary Sue character is perfectly accepting of Jasper being gay, and Snoofles the panda being gay, and even sets them up on a date with another gay man.

The same, alas, cannot be said of the author of ‘Face the Strange’. This fic is a crossover fic involving a Mary Sue named Dally who, as the story begins, enrolls in Hogwarts with her close friend Edward Cullen. When they arrive, they meet Hiei of Yu Yu Hakusho and Shadow the Hedgehog of the Sonic games. Later on, Link of Legend of Zelda shows up, and most of these guys, and Draco, fall for Dally (as one might expect in a Mary Sue fic). All of them attend Hogwarts for no reason that makes sense.

Over the course of the fic, we find out that Mystique of the X-Men is Dally’s mother, who passes along magic powers. And then the fic turns ugly when Dumbledore is revealed to be a pedophile, and everyone calls him homophobic slurs that I will not repeat here. Mystique and Dumbledore become the villains of what becomes a hateful, misogynistic, homophobic, and downright stupid story.

But one especially bizarre moment is when Dally’s various boyfriends need to save her through love. Edward and Hiei have to put aside their differences to save Dally, because the two people who love Dally the most have to mix together. What does ‘mix together’ mean? Well, since the author’s a clear homophobe, it’s clearly NOT in the slash fic sense.

No, instead they do this spell where they merge together into one being: Let me quote the scene below.

 “Ahem… FUUUUUUUUU-“

 “SIIIOOOONNNNN” said Edward. “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !” they said in unison.

BAM! They mixed together to form…. PLATINUM BILLY!

It was Billy Martin (from Good Charlotte) with platinum blonde hair. “Omg..” said Sasuke, “That’s SO wrong… but sooo hot!”

So Edward Cullen from Twilight and Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho merge together to become a lookalike of a musician from the band Good Charlotte. Yeah, that makes perfect sense … wait, no it doesn’t!

Anyway, the merger only lasts a short while. Then Hagrid and Shadow are killed by Dumbledore and Mystique, and Platinum Billy reverts back to Edward and Hiei. The story goes on and on for some time, with more sexism, homophobia, out of character behavior, and stupidity. While some might say this story is so bad it’s good, I’d have to put it on my So Bad It’s Horrible list.

I have heard that the writer wrote this intentionally trying to write the worst fanfic ever. Well, it certainly ranks up there as among the worst I’ve ever encountered.

Enough of that. I’ve got two more bad stories I need to talk about, and thus give them the attention they don’t deserve.

#2 Ash gouges his eye out from ‘Pikapoon’ by Richi12345

Do you REALLY want to know what this Pokemon fic is about? You don’t, trust me. Well, let me put it this way: In the world of fan fiction, any character can be ‘shipped’ (i.e. romantically paired with) any other character, even if the pairing makes no sense (crack pairing). And this means ANY character with ANY character. Even a human character from Pokemon and a Pokemon electric rodent.

This story lets us know what we’re in for when the author’s note tells us that though canonically Ash Ketchum’s Pikachu is a male, in the story Pikachu is female for ‘sexual purposes’. Yes, this is a fic about Ash and Pikachu ‘doing it’… excuse me while I take a quick trip to the bathroom.

SOUND FX: Vomiting, flushing toilet, running water.

All right. Anyway, what I said above is just about all that happens in the fic. They do it and then nine months later Pikachu gives birth to a half human/half Pokemon hybrid. But as if that wasn’t disgusting and stupid enough, right before the ‘doing it’ scene that comprises most of the fic, Ash proves his love for Pikachu … by gouging one of his eyes out. EEW!

I’m not going to quote any portion of this fic. It’s so disgusting that it doesn’t deserve it. Anyway, now that I think about it, the whole fic is a WTH moment.

On to something else that’s disturbing and wrong for different reasons. So, what is number one on the countdown?

#1 A certain moment in the climax of ‘Goku and Anne Frank in – Until the End of Time’

Like the Fanfic Critic, Bennett the Sage, and nearly everyone else who’s run across this fic, I find the existance of this fic baffling. Why on Earth was this written? Surely the writer had to know that, unlike Dragonball Z, ‘The Diary of Anne Frank’ was a true story.

Anne Frank was a young Jewish girl who wrote her diary while hiding with her family from the Nazis. Eventually she was captured, taken to a concentration camp … and died there. Her family later found her diary. All this is a true story, and not some made-up World War II drama like Casablanca. So why cross this over with Dragonball Z, an anime series involving super-powered beings fighting each other?

Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised this fic exists. We DO live in a world where not one, but two Italian filmmakers thought making animated movies about the Titanic featuring talking mice and dolphins (one of which has a rapping dog, the other has a giant octopus who saves the lives of everyone on the ship and thus insults the 1500 people who died in the disaster) was a good idea. So if THEY could see the James Cameron movie ‘Titanic’ and think it was good ‘mockbuster’ material, then I suppose some fanfic writer could think ‘The Diary of Anne Frank’ was good for crossing over with a fantasy-action anime series.

Well, anyway Anne Frank is in hiding from the Nazis in the secret annex when Son Goku appears before her. It’s not long before they fall for each other, and Goku is fighting Nazis on her behalf. Eventually they head to Berlin for a showdown with Adolf Hitler himself.

So far the story has been wrong on a number of levels: It’s historically inacurate, it romantically pairs an anime protagonist with a real young girl who died in a concentration camp, and it basically shows that the writer doesn’t care about any of this. But here, in the climax, is where the story really goes crazy.

Goku makes short work of the Nazis and the tanks, leaving him and Hitler to face each other one-on-one. After avoiding Hitler’s chaingun, Goku is ready to finish Hitler off, when Hitler begins to change. His hair turns blond, his eyes turn blue. The following quote says it all:

“You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!”

 Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.

 

I’m at a loss for words here. I know this is a crossover with Dragonball Z but …

Okay. Nuff said. Now THAT is THE Number One WTH Moment in a Bad Fanfic. I don’t think you can top that one.

Of course, this Top Six list is subjective. There are probably lots of fanfics I’m not aware of that have crazy moments like the ones above, and other people will probably pick different choices. But these are the ones I felt stood out enough.

EDIT: This list was originally posted in two parts, but I’ve combined the two together. I was tempted to add one or two more WTH moments that I forgot to include on this list, but I decided it could wait for a ‘NEXT Top WTH Moments in Bad Fanfic’ article.

Anyway, that’s all for this list. Feel free to leave your comments below.

 

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