Hey, it’s two years ago… and I’m not here. My computer is that same old dingy Vista with the cracked screen when I got mad playing Goldeneye and I’m watching… wait…

AW FUCK ME!!!

Yes, my very first review of this 1993 stoner movie has come to haunt me now and oddly enough, I was gonna watch this at the same time as my counterpart. Wonder where he is. In fact, I’m glad I erased my internet history before he got warped further on. Anyways, back in 2012-2013, I saw this film which IMDB claimed it was better than Dazed and Confused, which was a stoner film set in the 70’s about a summer before High School. It has football captains getting stoned on the 30 yard line, freshmen kids finally coming to age after a hazing from the Senior class, and Matthew Mconnaghey stalking little girls. The Stoned Age, however, is set in the 70’s-80’s and is about two jack offs trying to score on a typical Friday night filled with Skankweed, Schnapps, half-eaten bean and potato burritos, and Taylor Negron.

Who’s Taylor Negron, you say? Why he’s an unsung hero around these parts. He’s been in few movies but memorable if you can remember them, like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Bio-Dome, and even Angels in the Outfield. Also, he’s the cousin of Chuck Negron of Three Dog Night. Sadly, he’s shuffled off the mortal coil recently, dying of cancer at the age of 57. It’s a shame, because he was talented beyond small roles such as liquor store clerk in The Stoned Age.

As for the rest of the review, we’re gonna tread some familiar and hostile waters, but somewhere… somehow, we’re gonna find enlightenment.

Set in the Late 70’s in Torrence, California, an ex-convict takes a ride from some random teenager and lets slip that he has chicks waiting for him at Torrence Beach, but since loose lips sink ships, the teenager relays this to his friends who in turn relay this to Tack, the loser of the story and he’s got a mission to follow through. It’s not long when this convict, called Crump’s Brother, gets pissed.

*Cue Title Sequence*

The Story turns to Hubbs and Joe, two stoner buddies looking for beer, parties, and chicks. Their Friday night consists of driving around in their 73 Volkswagon called the Blue Torpedo, jamming on tunes, and basically wasting time. Hubbs doesn’t mind but Joe does and he laments that their night sucks every time. Hubbs tries to give Joe his chances to do something by playing Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper”, but Hubbs comments about how this song is a ‘fag’ song and that the BOC are now ‘fags’. If you haven’t guessed it by now, Hubbs is an asshole.

Their day looks up when Tack waves them down to discuss his plan to them, but not before getting a loogie spat on him by Joe, per the cull of Hubbs. Tack tells the two of the chick at Torrence Beach and they ditch Tack, who decides to crash their party with the help of ‘Snotrag’ and a few of his buddies. They end up raiding a beer factory of its tallboys and march to the beach.

Over there, Joe and Hubbs get a sight of the chicks in question. Lainie, a leggy, curvy, and big eyed blonde, opens the door to the usual greeting two stoners would get from a hot chick, a scathing welcome. However, before she can throw them out, Hubbs suggest that they have booze for a little party, but instead of Schnapps, they need a Screwdriver, which is 151, Vodka, and Minute Maid Orange Juice. They narrowly escape trouble with the anachronistic 90’s police officers when they are flagged for ID by Super Disco Taylor Negron(Image not appearing in this review) but because the cop was once a teenager, lets the two off with a warning.

Now with booze, Lainie lets the two in and we’re introduced to the second chick, Jill(brace yourself for this spelling) Wajakawakawitz, who is not as ready to mingle as Lainie is, booze or no. Despite having booze, weed, and a house to kick it at, the girls want a little more out of this night so the boys take them to another party located in the rich kids section, which doesn’t go well for the boys. However, Lainie gets tired of the party, and of the host’s advances, and decides to break into a neighbor’s pool, enticing both Joe and Hubbs to join. The cops arrive later on to break up the party and the four escape without incident.

Now with a night picking up in steam, Joe and Hubbs take the girls home where Joe tries to put moves on Lainie, but she isn’t having it, making Joe out to be an embarrassment. He counts his losses as Hubbs divides and conquers Lainie and strikes out with Jill the same way he did with Lainie, but Jill pities Joe and decides to mingle anyways. The two smoke weed, which even Jill hates, and discuss Joe’s favorite song: Don’t Fear the Reaper, which reminds him of the time he was hit by a laser light at a BOC concert and saw a floating eye, whatever the hell it means. Jill likes the song for a different reason: It’s about love and suicide, or rather a couple killing each other in love.

However, their tender moment together ends when Tack crashes outside the house with an angry mob. Joe tries to diffuse the situation, but Tack has the crowd roused up that they begin attacking both Joe and Jill, commenting on how ugly she looks to them. Joe gets into a fight with Tack and is overpowered but eventually gets away narrowly. Hubbs comes back down to tell Joe that Lainie is willing to give him a blowjob as Hubbs lied about it being Joe’s birthday. Instead of passing the offer, he goes up and Hubbs puts his moves on Jill.

Outside the house, Jill’s father arrives and single handedly kicks each of their asses, including Crump’s Brother, who nearly broke the door in. Jill’s father, rather than kick both Joe’s ass, as Joe helped Hubbs escape, decides to call the cops on him, while scolding both Lainie and Jill and yet again, Joe sticks up for Jill. It all seems hopeless until Hubbs, being true to his buddy, saves him and the girls. Jill, despite being sexually advanced towards Joe, insulted by him a little, and turned off by his sad excuse of demeanor, is enamored by his courage to stand up to a rowdy crowd and her own father and gives her her full name and location so that he can look her up later.

Now with a night to remember forever, Joe uses his newfound self-esteem to play Don’t Fear the Reaper, after forcing Hubbs to let him play it, and even forcing him to say that BOC is not a fag band, and even forces Hubbs to admit that Jill is cool. They ride off into the night in the Blue Torpedo, having had booze, parties, and chick for the night.

and so ends a shitty movie. well, ok, I was harsh before because my mind set was that it’d be better than Dazed and Confused. The two are not even in the same league, as explained before. So if it’s not as great as Dazed, then what is it? It’s a product of a time when the 70’s were the 70’s. People didn’t have phones or computers, no netflix, no skype, no facetime, no snapchat, nothing. It was a period of time that continued till the new millenium, where men were men, women were women, and parties were parties.

Another thing that makes it different is the characters Joe and Hubbs.

Hubbs is a symbol of both big brother and obstacle. His attitude is vintage Alpha male at best, claiming a woman he believes is hot and calling anyone fags for thinking different. He slags off music and bands that are faggoted, he slags off booze and weed that is shitty, and doesn’t care one damn bit. On his flip side, he only has one buddy, a buddy he see has great potential into being a kickass dude, but nothing more than a waste. He doesn’t wanna see him suffer this monotony of life so he takes him along every Friday night just to give him an ounce of life for him. He even give him a chance to score with Lanie, even after he’s struck out and saves him from certain doom.

Joe is us. We’re Joe. Think hard. Was any of us happy during this point in time? If not, did we ever lose a lust for life at one point? Did we ever have a friend that tried hard to make us happy? Was is a boom or was it a bust? Did we, in either way, feel like crap because we saw ourselves as lesser than our friend? I know I did.

I went to a Halloween party once and, despite being dressed up like Castiel from Supernatural and getting raves about it, I felt like crap because I didn’t think I’d be any better than the other guys. Even if I was the only guy in the party, I’d still think I was not good enough for the throgs of hot girls that were there.

Joe epitomizes that self-depreciation we all face. His road goes from feeling low to feeling brave finally and rightfully so. He’s had to deal with getting booze, trying to bed at least one girl, only to have it backfire because he was a loser, to settling for lesser than what Hubbs wants, to sticking up for the very thing he sees as lovely, to falling back down into that thought process of wanting Lanie and striking out, then back to his blossoming into a real man by sticking up for both Lanie and Jill, with Joe finally asserting his dominance along side his pal.

It’s not a film about getting stoned and enjoying life, it’s about becoming a man. Joe’s goal is to be like Hubbs, hence why he sticks around him a lot and tries to get laid, but fails because Hubbs is the aggressive type and Joe is just the loser. It isn’t until he must show that he isn’t afraid to step out of his shadow that his evolution fully happens and Joe fulfills his goal his own way. It’s movie writing at it’s finest and I was harsh on it.

This isn’t a stoner film. It’s a coming of age film and I guess I have a special place in my heart for it.

Oh, look. The portal’s opening. I can slide back home and let my other self hate this film. Without him in his correct timeline, I may never evolve myself. Let’s hope nothing is changed during my time back. Allons-y!

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