If You’re Sick

I am not sure what is wrong.

I don’t have all the words right now,
but for what I do have in hand,
has left me only more confuse.

She said it might be withdrawals . . .

And that left me so lost in words,
but it just feels like it checks out,
that it be the effects of going cold turkey.

I want to say I am scared.

And I will,
because I want to give the shivers,
a sound reason,
of why a cold spring,
makes it feel like southern land summer.

I don’t get it.

I really don’t.

The shakes happen so much,
vision fades out like an end credit clip show,
dry in the throat,
so broken my voice can’t stay intact,
swells in the eyes like a raw schoolyard rumble happen.

I don’t get it.

I don’t.

I shouldn’t be sick,
not like this,
it couldn’t be a fever but morning sweats,
they just betray me.

I don’t get it.

I’m not sure if I do.

If these are the early signs,
that I could die,
I guess I shouldn’t question it too much.

Maybe the reality of something else,
has come to play,
and being sheer stupid,
haven’t seen it or choose to ignore it.

If I had for latter,
it would have bitched slap me by now.

So it can’t be that.

I want to ask for help,
more than what she said,
but would it be enough,
to know what is happening.

No.

No,
not really,
by those factors it wouldn’t.

I want to be okay,
so I don’t worry others.

They got enough issues as it is,
and busy as they are,
they wouldn’t know I slipped from their lives.

The past has proven that enough,
just by never keeping in touch,
you become a distance foggy memory.

Maybe the sickness will be too.

Hopeful as it sounds,
lies as it may be so,
doubt at the fingertips here,
yet perfectly okay as an answer.

Even if no one else agree.

I don’t want to be like this now,
whatever is going on,
I was to get better.

But first right now,
I guess I need to know what it is,
before I choose to fix it.

I don’t want to fix anything,
that doesn’t need to be touch,
I have seen that plan backfire too much.

I’ll take it easy,
search while I can,
play it safe for anyone to ask.

I don’t want them to worry.

Because they have no need to waste,
all that energy for something else.

Bravery or stupidity,
I don’t fucking know . . .

Just sounds like too much trouble,
for something I am not even sure,
what it could be.

Unless it is something life threating,
they don’t need to know in the slightest,
they can know about the days of fun,
and whatever trash comes to mind,
because that’s how we normally are.

Whatever these withdrawals are,
I want to make sure that’s all they are,
nothing that is going to take others with me.

I refuse to be one of those,
that say blank destroyed my work or family.

If it anything,
that would be all on me,
because this drug,
if I can even call it that,
gave the side affects at the wrong time.

I’m putting them first,
but getting better by knowing,
what is going on with me.

If I get close to answers,
they’ll someday.

But just for now,
I want things to be normal,
even if I stager,
please,
oh please,
just for a second,
turn the other way.

I want to have a moment,
of what feels normal to me,
let me have that.

Please,
just for a moment.

I don’t want to be sick,
I don’t want to be lost,
I just want this life now.

It’s a good life so far,
not perfect,
but it is nice.

Whatever this illness is,
I’ll figure it out.

I don’t know when,
but damn it,
when the time is right,
I hope the support is there,
even with the all the withdrawn feels.

I’ll say sorry to end,
because I know they’ll end up hurt,
in some way,
nothing will change that.

I am not trying to be strong,
or proving how dumb one can be,
just picking choices as they see fit.

I’m sorry.

I really am.

I don’t get it.

But I will,
it’s just something to fix,
I can do it.

Even if you have to lie to me,
when you find out,
can you say just this once . . .

I’ll say it first,
so if this ever happens,
the other way,
we can all be ready for it,
okay,
here it is as I say,
I trust you.

I really do.

So trust me that,
everything is going to be okay.

It’s fine to lie.

Just the once to lessen pain.

For me and for you.

Thank you.

 

 

 

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