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(April Fools Day Blog Swap) Animorphs (For Jashykins)

When I think about jashykins, I think about Animorphs. I know that’s not all she talks about, but she’s the only person I know who still reads the fucking things. Originally, my plan for this article, as I did in past years, was to emulate her style, covering a book she hadn’t done (which I’m sure is the whole point to the whole April Fools Day swap thing). One thing kept me back, however.

This seemed like a lot of work and I’m a lazy piece of shit.

With that, I present you, jashykins, with this: what follows is an Animorphs fan fiction. Your job is to tell me if a child wrote it or if I wrote it. No Google!

Enjoy!

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dead alive

10 Horror Movies I Can Watch Over and Over Again

I watch a lot of horror movies. I mean a LOT of horror movies. Whenever I’m looking through my Netflix queue, I’ll try to focus in on whatever I’m in the mood for, yet my mind will wander to other films somehow related to the ones I’m looking at; one’s I’d rather be watching at that moment. One moment, I think I want to watch ‘Dead Snow’, then I’ll be looking up a copy of ‘The Thing’. ‘Cabin in the Woods’ will be looking good one moment, but I’ll be watching ‘Evil Dead 2’ the next. When I realized I never saw ‘Muppets in Space’, I ended up seeing ‘Event Horizon’. It’s just what happens!

These are some of the horror movies that I can see over and over again, even when there’s other shit I should be watching. One day, I really tried to focus on the ones I actually do end up watching a lot. This list doesn’t hold up as well today (I failed to include the aforementioned ‘Event Horizon’, which I watch once or twice per year), but I was still surprised to see that I do in fact still watch these movies fairly regularly. So here you go. The  10 horror movies I’ll end up watching if I notice they’re on no matter what.

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jeffery dahmer

Our Obsession With Serial Killers

The willing murder of one individual by another is one of the most despicable acts anyone could imagine. Sure, to some people the image of two men fucking might seem disgusting, and watching two women swap their homemade soft serve (if you don’t understand this reference, then you will live a much happier life) will certainly scar you, but ‘despicable’ wouldn’t be the proper description. Gobbling cock and swilling bacteria babies might be gross, but straight up murder is an undeniable evil. It doesn’t matter what philosophy or religion you follow, no one of sane moral standings will say that taking someone’s life should be adopted as a cultural norm. Read more

tire fire

The Lost Articles – Rubber

After a long hiatus from writing articles, I found a bunch of stuff that went unreleased for one reason or another. Sometimes it was because it was meant for a project that never got off the ground, sometimes it was because I didn’t think it lived up to what I was trying to achieve. In any case, it was great to have new material to post in between podcasts. Some have been posted before, others wait to be published later.

This one couldn’t wait. This was meant to be a video review when I was throwing that idea around, and I just never adapted it into a proper review. After starting October with a movie I liked, I thought it best to post something about a movie I hated. This one goes beyond hate though. To this day, I still believe this film went out of it’s way to insult me and everyone who watched it.

No pictures, no silly captions, just words, and my seething hatred for ‘Rubber’.

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sinister

Sinister

Now that it’s October, I can unleash the torrent of horror related material that I’ve been saving up. When I was writing more often, a good portion was related to horror movies. Not that I’m surprised. I’d say twenty-five percent or more of my total media viewing revolves around horror. That’s a large chunk of time dedicated to trying to trigger my fight or flight response.

Even if what I watch is complete garbage, I usually find something to enjoy. Mostly, it’s simply shitting on the movie itself. Horror has one goal to accomplish: scare you (unlike, say, a drama, where any number of different emotions can be triggered). When it fails, it’s really easy to point your finger to determine what caused the failure. For example, it’s damn near impossible to explain why I didn’t like the film ‘There Will Be Blood”, at least in a fair and full assessment. I could probably explain in three sentences why ‘Texas Chainsaw 3D’ sucked, and the first sentence would just be ‘Sigh…’

But let’s kick things off with a movie that surprised me with how much I actually enjoyed it.

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sleeping2

What Do Your Dreams Mean?

I had a dream last night where I woke up and realized that my alarm was set to a later time because I didn’t have to go to the gym that morning. I was so happy! Right up until my alarm went off and I realized that I had to go to the gym. That’s when, for the first time in my life, I made my dream come true!

I skipped the gym and slept for a few more hours.

A lot of people put heavy emphasis on our dreams. Some are scientists who wish to learn it’s function and why it developed in the first place, others…well…there’s a reason I wrote an article about them.

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explode

One Year Since The Accident

I meant to post this 5 days ago since it’s actually been 3 years by this point, but I forgot. Guess that means it’s not as big a deal for me anymore. Progress? I guess?

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mst3kbackg

MST3K Memories

Nostalgia pops up when you least expect it. You’ll be sitting there, paying bills or polishing the purple helmet (whatever it is you people do with your time), when suddenly a burst of fuzzy warmth overtakes you (I didn’t mean for this to go with the masturbation joke, but I’m sure as hell not changing it NOW). There was a time when you’d have to take someone’s word that something was great. No one can go back and relive the sensation of the 50s (unless you’re Black and live in the South) despite the claims that it was a wondrous, more innocent time (as long as you ignore the imminent threat of nuclear war). With today’s focus on digitally preserving history, we can relive the sensations that we used to only hear our drunk relatives complain about. Especially when it comes to the media we grew up with.

Which brings me to Mystery Science Theater 3000. Arguably, most internet critics wouldn’t exist if this show never existed. It influenced two to three generations of creative minds, continuing to draw an audiene to this day via RiffTrax and Cinematic Titanic. Not every joke is understandable (whether it’s an episode from the 90s or something newer from the 00s), but it still holds up! Hell, the very idea of sitting around, making fun of movies makes MST3K damn near impossible not to hold up!

The other day, I watched a few episodes and was reminded all over again why I love this show. I actually thought of writing a whole new article about it influenced me over the years. Then I remember that I already wrote one.

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sunredux

Here Comes The Sun

One of the things I really wanted to do when I signed up for Manic Expression was give a laymen’s guide to the wonders of the universe (read: an educational guide filled with shitty jokes and foul language). I love astronomy, and since we’re living in a wonderful age where scientific literacy is expanding to the populous via extraordinary new experimentation and a very suave black man, I wanted to do my part!

First, I wanted to tackle the solar system; give a little rundown about all the wonderful thing drifting through the night sky. It wouldn’t be too difficult, right? Start with the sun, go through the planets, then write about asteroid field, Kuiper belt, Oort cloud, and everything soaring between!

I think I made it to Mars…even then, I don’t think I published the article (it was about a very racist Curiosity talking to mission command about it’s findings, so…maybe that’s for the best.

Anyway, here’s the one that started it all.

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bruce bampbell in Oz

Oz the Great and Powerful

Someone was going to make a sequel to ‘The Wizard of Oz’, it was unavoidable given the huge erection movie producers have for updating older shit. As much as people like to yell during heated arguments about movies (I’m looking at you YouTube) that “It’s perfect! They should just do NOTHING!”, this is reality and that’s not going to happen. We all scoff and get pissed at how movies make more money off of brand names rather than quality, and while that might be true, it works. ‘Transformers’ for example, would need a scene of Optimus Prime robo-fucking a pile of babies before movies goers decide that they’ve had enough of the franchise. Even then, wait enough time and reboot it. People will give it another shot because they loved something about it in the past.

At this point, all you can do is reduce the collateral damage. By hiring a team that will try their hardest not to fuck up, specifically one with talent, it’s possible that you’ll get something that will be worth your money, maybe even remembered. With Sam Raimi behind the wheel of ‘Oz the Great and Powerful’ we probably came the closest to a decent treatment of a beloved classic. And while one should never settle for “eh, it was good enough” in regards to the argument about remaking films, when the inevitable is going to happen (whether you bitch to your 3000 subscribers or not), it’s all anyone can hope for nowadays with the garbage we get the other 99.99999999999999% of the time.

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jason statham

10 Movies That Could Have Been Saved By Jason Statham

Sometimes I write about serious topics like science, other times I’ll write a simple movie review, every now and again I’ll just go on about some fucked up day I was having. This article…I simply don’t know why I wrote it. I thought it was funny, and I don’t regret a thing.

Enjoy!

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your highness 1

Your Highness

Some movies I hold out hope for even if everyone else says, “it’s stupid”. Sometime I go so far as to ignore my own brain when it says, “Don’t see that! It looks stupid! I know you’re not retarded, because I’m your brain and I’m not retarded, so why the fuck do you want to watch this shit?!?” If there’s one or more elements that I’m attracted to based on my bias, then I’m going to be suckered into a similar experience despite knowing the quality.

I think Danny McBride and James Franco are great. I’ll see just about anything either of them are in. And I have proof of this! I sat down and watched Your Highness:

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vg kid

Taking A Shot At Reviewing Video Games

Up until last year, I didn’t write much about video games. Hell, after writing articles about a few indie games, I called it quits to focus on being lazy. That doesn’t mean that I don’t play games. Whenever I’m able, there will be a controller in my hand and many a mother being called a whore. Despite being very enthralled with the hobby, I just never wrote that much about it.

Just for shits and giggles, I thought I’d take a stab at it. This article (along with a few other choice submissions) led to a brief affair with the website nerdbacon.com. Apparently I’m welcome back if I wanted to write more reviews, but I’d have to actually write something instead of doing what I was doing, which was nothing. I doubt I’d go back. Doing nothing is awesome.

Maybe I’ll write more about video games in the future. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll eventually lose weight and make the lives of countless unfortunates bearable with genie living in the crevaces of my chiseled abs. Maybe I’ll finally write an article without spell check holding my hand. ONE of these things is DEFINITELY going to happen.

Until then, here’s my first published (second written) article about video games:

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students

A Letter To All New Students

It’s September again. Does it feel like there’s some big important thing you’re not doing right now? Does something feel a bit off? If you’re still in school then you’re thinking “Nope, I’ve got all my back to school supplies, what are you talking about?” If you’re not, then you’re struggling to get over anywhere from 12-16 years of conditioning telling you to buy notebooks, pens, and a backpack with one of those hidden pockets to stash your weed.

I’m basically over it by this point. I graduated high school 12 years ago and my college degree was in my hand 9 years ago.  Nevertheless, I’m surrounded by a shadow of my education career and constantly reminded of how fucking stupid students can be. I’m not just talking about those who freak out over trivial nonsense. This morning, I saw some moron almost get flattened by a bus. Just walked right into the road during a green light like there weren’t giant metal death machines rolling down the black top. Did this fuckhead live in the middle of a cornfield before coming to Boston? Was he never taught to look both ways when crossing the street? I’d imagine so. Hell, I imagine that the only thing he had to look for while crossing the road in his little redneck part of town was the punchline to a terrible joke (Author’s Note: it’s a chicken)

I was just as impatient with students a couple of years ago. I even wrote them a “letter”:

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sick

Get Down With the Sickness

I went into work on Monday feeling a little off. Over the course of three hours, my body decided that it had enough of trying to keep me healthy (probably because I punish it with copious amounts of beer and pizza), and stopped defending me. Granted, it was pretty awesome having a voice an octave or two lower, but the trade off was making me look and feel like a decomposing corpse. Having a sexy baritone doesn’t mean shit when you stop every ten seconds to cough up some foul glob or excuse yourself to wipe away your fever sweat.

Most of Monday and all of Tuesday was spent in a daze of various cold medicines and tentative naps. After one of my half-naps, Bunny asked if I wanted to go see a movie. For most people, the barometer of wellness is a thermometer. At a certain temperature, the normal individual would prefer rest. I’ve gone to the movies with a 101 degree fever. I have to be practically incapacitated to turn down a trip to the theater.

I said no on both days.

That’s when I found this article I wrote after my last such experience. It’s funny seeing myself in the same predicament regarding my PTO (Paid Time…ah, just read the fucking article!). I was saving up time to take a little vacation and ended up wiping it all out to lay on the sofa trying to eat my soup solely by dipping crackers into it (it was hot and I’m a very lazy man).

Anyway, here’s the article.

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Maine

My Vacation

Recently, I returned from a trip to Maine, something I usually do every year in order to see the part of my family that, for some reason, decided they wanted to live in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. For the past two years I haven’t gone. Why? Shit just keep happening. That’s the problem with getting older, fucking responsibilities keep coming out of the woodwork, stopping you from doing the things that you really want to do (like say, posting articles to your blog when your “boss” tells you that you shouldn’t be using “company time” for “personal matters” because it’s “affecting your work and seriously, we can all see what you’re doing”).

Browsing through my old posts, I found the article I wrote after returning from my last trip.  Holy shit was it a different experience! I want to go on that trip again! A lot changes in two years, and sometimes, you don’t even realize how much.

Enough of that bullshit. Story time.

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hippies

But It’s Natural…

When I argue a point of view, I do my damndest to make sure to make it as logical as possible. If I have a source, I name it, if I have a bias, I claim it, if my information is incorrect or out of date, I adjust my outlook, but what I won’t do is play mental gymnastics just to make myself appear to be more correct than I actually am. I don’t always achieve this, I’m only human…and belligerent…and stubborn…and kind of an asshole…but I try, and that’s what’s important.

To this day, the ‘natural fallacy’ pisses me off more than anything. Just recently I argued with someone who kept saying that ‘our bodies naturally want this’ and ‘it’s not natural, thus we should keep it away from our bodies’. This is logically incorrect since technically everything is natural and cherry picking specific ‘natural’ occurrences to back up your argument while ignoring every other detrimental ‘natural’ occurrence is completely hypocritical.

The term ‘natural’ is a meaningless buzz word that I can go on and on about. So why don’t I? Here’s an article about it.

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Shadowrun

Dunstan McGlub

Name something nerdy and I’ve done it. Go on! Name something! First swing and you choose LARP, good on you. You found the one thing I haven’t done and proved yourself an asshole in the process. Beyond that, I’ve done everything from gaming to role playing. I enjoy throwing myself into the life of another character, whether I’m creating it myself, or it’s being developed FOR me.

When I first started Shadowrun, I didn’t want to be the same tough guy hacker, soldier, racist stereotype I usually play (I have played a drunken Native American who blamed the White Man for his problems, but relax, he’s sober now), so I deliberately developed a character that would not only let me become accustomed to the new system, but also allow me to make things more…interesting.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the character that’s I’m no longer allowed to play…Dunstan McGlub.

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theater

August Wasteland

August is usually a dumping ground for movies. It’s still hot, and most of us are still looking to go to the theater to be entertained AND keep our electric bills down, yet there’s never anything to see. We THINK there is due to the amazing trailers we see for movies during this time, but let’s be honest, we’re always disappointed.

I thought this time was going to be different. For the first half of the month, the movies weren’t terrible. Some like ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ were even damn good. Alas, with my recent viewing of ‘The Expendables 3’, it appears that the summer film trend is going back to the dripping pile of street trash it calls home. I had the same hope last year as well when I actually had some fun with a few of August’s offerings.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, FUCK YOU!

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the-expendables-2-clips

The Expendables 2

Tonight I’m seeing ‘The Expendables 3’. Searching through my old reviews, I found my review for ‘The Expendables 2’. After reading it again, I have a feeling that sans the 2012 references, this article could stand in for the new movie. In fact, those who’ve already seen it, tell me if this prediction is accurate in the comments.

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